Vile Gangsters: A Star Wars Story (Daniel Cohen)
“For as long as I can remember, I always wanted to be a Hutt.”
That could potentially be the opening line to my Star Wars spin-off. I’ve been a negative nelly on these spin-off movies since the beginning, as I feel there is a danger to over saturate Star Wars. As long as they exist though, I might as well make my pitch for the one I’d actually like to see.
The opening half-hour to Return of the Jedi is one of the greatest first acts ever in a motion picture. I’m obsessed with all things Jabba the Hutt. I love that character. I love everything in that palace. The Rancor. Salacious Crumb. The blue elephant guy. The dancers. I love how Jabba the Hutt sits on his sluggish ass and eats all day, while also sending poor souls to their doom through a trap door where they are eaten by a giant monster. Also, screw that garbage special edition change. The original song they had (Lapti Nek) is flat out incredible:
That gives me goosebumps. Why can’t I find the movie version on iTunes?! I’m sure it’s George Lucas’ fault. The rights are probably hidden in his beard. Whatever. Jabba the Hutt got me thinking though: how about a Star Wars gangster movie? A real bad ass crime epic.
The easy answer would be to make a prequel about Jabba’s rise to power, but that’s the wrong way to go. It should be set during Jabba’s prime. I know this premise leads to the obvious, “Oooooooo, you could make it about Boba Fett!” No. NO BOBA FETT! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, GET OVER BOBA FETT!
The film would focus on a completely original character. A young Henry Hill type who dreams of being a vile gangster. For the sake of our discussion, let’s call him Banon Sak Tor. That’s a Star Wars name, right? Banon comes from the rough streets of Mos Eisley. He finds work in Jabba’s Sail Barge as a lowly dish washer. Then he makes his play. Perhaps he kills a bounty hunter or smuggler who tries to assassinate Jabba the Hutt. Jabba takes a liking to Banon, promoting him as his primary body guard. This makes Bib Fortuna jealous, who inevitably tries to sabotage him.
It doesn’t stop there. Maybe Banon falls in love with a dancer who Jabba has killed. This leads Banon to a rival gang lord that is trying to take over Jabba’s operation. A huge mafia war breaks out with Banon in the middle of it. Or how about this for the ultimate revenge – Banon sleeps with Gardulla the Hutt, who Jabba is long rumored to have a romantic entanglement with. For those who don’t know, Gardulla is the random Hutt seen behind Jabba in The Phantom Menace when Jabba greets the crowd at the Mos Espa podrace.
As I’m practically playing Goodfellas in my head as I write this, I guess I have to go with Martin Scorsese for director. Imagine if that actually happened? Martin Scorsese directing a mafia based Star Wars movie? Does that not sound like the greatest film ever made?
As far as casting goes, I’m going with Tom Hardy for Banon. Tom Hardy in a Star Wars movie is just strange enough to work.
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