Corey Graves is the only sane person on commentary tonight. At some point Booker T falls asleep, and Michael Cole compares an interrupted performance by Elias comparable to Live 8. Seriously, Cole and Booker are either on something or they’ve just run out of things to say.
RAW kicks off with Brock Lesnar, Kane, and Braun Strowman announced by Kurt Angle for the WWE Universal Championship at the Royal Rumble. Highlight of the segment isn’t the short brawl which sees Brock assuming domination, only to be stared down by both Kane and Strowman, but when Kurt Angle dashes out of the ring while making the announcement. He knows to bail.
The next segment gets a little wonky, so try to follow me on this one. It’s supposed to be Samoa Joe vs. Seth Rollins. Except Jason Jordan comes out and demands a match with Joe. Instead, we get Jordan vs. Rollins with winner facing Joe. Seth Rollins wins after the volume of “this is boring” chants are too much for Jordan. Joe attacks everyone post match. The one good takeaway is Jordan creeping into a heel. I think. He’s hated enough at this point, it won’t take much, as backstage, it is announced Rollins and Ambrose will team with Jordan to face The Bar and Joe. Ambrose and Rollins want no part of Jordan.
Finn Balor has a handicap match with Curtis Axel and Bo Dallas which ends in DQ. What is the point of this? Well, this unexpectedly brings out KENTA who makes the save and we get Balor and Kenta teaming on RAW. They defeat The Miztourage with ease. Nice to see KENTA back in action.
Up next we get an insane match between Cedric Alexander and Drew Gulak. I am digging Gulak, and he even gave a shout out for Chanukah last week. Alexander busts out a standing spanish fly and a shattering Lumbar Check for the win, becoming #1 contender to the Cruiserweight Championship.
Backstage: Gulak interrupts a moment between Nia Jax and Enzo. Hoo boy.
Asuka defeats Alicia Fox. No more needs to be said.
Six-Man Tag Team Match: Samoa Joe and The Bar defeat Rollins, Ambrose, and Jordan.
Surprisingly, Jordan is not the one who falls, but Seth Rollins, following a possible injury to Dean Ambrose. This was a good match, and at points Jordan busts out some big slams and suplexes, but his character has been so ruined by his lame-o gimmick, fans don’t care.
Earlier in the night, a pre-taped promo from Bray Wyatt promises pain for the Woken One. Well, Matt Hardy is seen talking to Napoleon, the pet goldfish, and the crowd is heard losing their minds over each word. Hardy is in full broken/woken mode, and it has not lost its novelty.
Backstage: Joe, Cesaro, and Sheamus continue destroying 2/3rds Shield.
THE REVIVAL are back!!! Not only do they defeat the major force of Rhyno and Heath Slater, but no one is injured during the match. Pinfall via Shatter Machine. Backstage, a despondent Rhyno and Slater are told by Kurt Angle to toughen up or else. Rhyno has a plan, and Slater wants to know “will it hurt?”
Elias attempts to perform, but is interrupted by Sasha Banks, Bayley, and Mickie James. Not before he announces his intent to win the Royal Rumble and main event at WrestleMania. They face Absolution. I love these women. WWE’s Women’s division gets better and better. The six-woman tag match ends abruptly in DQ, but then Nia Jax and the rest of the women hit the ring to fight Absolution, until Stephanie McMahon shows up to make an insane announcement. On January 28th, we will have the first-ever Women’s Royal Rumble match. In that moment, all the women seem to celebrate, slightly breaking character, but it’s worth it after the fantastic promo Stephanie cuts to close the show.
