No matter how Slender Man turned out, it would have been roughly five years late. The Internet moves fast, and the meme that inspired this late-summer horror movie has already lost steam online. And, of course, the film will always live in the shadow of the real-life incident of violence that was inspired by this character, as seen in HBO’s documentary Beware the Slenderman. But, even if you ignore this context, Slender Man is a truly embarrassing film. Even by bad-horror-movie standard, this proves to be a low point for the genre: there just isn’t anything good about this.
There are four teen girls at the center of Slender Man, but you’d be forgiven for not keeping track. These characters are so indistinguishable, with no character traits or personalities to make the audience care about them. In fact, as the body count starts to rise, it becomes difficult to keep track of which character you’re following at any given moment. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves…this film shines a spotlight on a group of friends who are bored with their dimly-lit hometown and dream of running away together. One night, they stumble into a creepy message board and, before they know it, are summoning the titular villain via an unsettling video. While they shrug it off as a weird online rumor, it’s only a matter of time before creepy events start to unfold.
But, what are these creepy events? Good question. These “scary” moments are so poorly filmed and frantically edited that they eventually become a chore to sit through. One sequence drags on for so uncomfortably long, only to confusingly capture the actual scare, which evaporates any real sense of tension. Yet another terrible moment in a library is incomprehensible due to the low lighting and embarrassing cinematography. Audiences are clued-in to where the scares are thanks to blaring sound effects, but the actual filmmaking on display fails to persuade any viewers to buy into the terror.
This is also a film that is both starring and made for teenagers. But screenwriter David Birke clearly hasn’t spent much time around teenagers over the past few years. The dialogue is, in its best scenes, hokey and unnatural. In its worst moments, the script is intensely embarrassing. The movie also tries to examine online culture and the general sense of apathy felt by many teens that are desensitized by what they see online. But these scenes are all major missteps, and boil down to cringe-inducing lines about teens who wish a cat video ended with the cat exploding, or a weird moment in which they conduct a Twitter poll in real life. One has to wonder: was any research actually carried out while preparing this screenplay?
In most cases, bad horror movies at least make for fun theatergoing experiences. But Slender Man is just a sleep-inducing chore. There is nothing redemptive about the movie, which is boring, poorly made, and not scary in the slightest. Unless you’re terrified of jump scares and outdated memes, skip this movie.
Rating: 1/10
