RAW Recap by Michael Dworkis
To say tonight’s show felt disappointing might be harsh, but I felt insulted with tonight’s program. Matches we’ve seen over and over again. As much as I enjoy Seth Rollins and Dolph Ziggler, I don’t need to see them every-other-week. Shows like these I ask myself if they ran out of ideas or wrestlers. Seeing Bacon Bits Rorbin and Finn Balor in the main event for what feels like a weekly occurrence validates my sense of deja vu.
The most upsetting part of tonight’s RAW, is #BaconRorbin still hasn’t caught on, and I can’t, for the life of me figure out how or why.
RAW kicks off with the trio of Bacon Rorbin, Drew McIntyre, and Bobby Lashley. I hope to Primus this isn’t a thing. This should not be a stable. McIntyre is the only one worth a damn. Bacon Bits is Val Venis 2.0 in Chief Morley mode. Hey, he recruits the injured Alexa Bliss and appoints her the head of the Women’s Division. That’s a step up, because I’m getting tired of Corbin’s voice. I really am. My wife his a speech language pathologist, she’ll work wonders for his voice. Braun Strowman is live from the hospital and promises once he gets better everyone will… wait for it… wait for it…
… Get these hands! Yay!
Elias loses to Bobby Lashley because heels control the show and clearly no one has the ability to run out from the back to save him. Elias interrupts the segment and gets a match with Lashley, only to be beaten like Strowman. If WWE has a goal to make us hate the sight of Lashley, they certainly have succeeded.
Next is a taped segment featuring Dean Ambrose getting a whole bunch of vaccinations, because either WWE slipped and overlooked his paperwork, or this is a really poor taste promo about how diseased the rest of the world and Seth Rollins are.
It’s the latter. How can you take a guy seriously when he is in a fake scenario getting fake shots. Come on. Rollins vs. Ambrose should have been Sabu vs. Taz level insane, but instead, we’ve got a flaming dumpster fire of botchery.
I can’t dignify the next segment. I won’t call it a match. Because it involves one of the best tag teams to have come from NXT and I have to watch them consistently get buried on live television. The Revival do the job, again, to Lucha House Party in a 3-on-2 handicap match. I’d rather watch Lashley.
Promo for Lars Sullivan. Another big man on either RAW or SmackDown. Can you say, mid-card purgatory within a year? I pray I am wrong.
Nia Jax promo on #FaceBreaker. Okay, fine, let’s run with the shtick and run down both Ronda Rousey and Becky Lynch. Crowd is dead and so is my soul. I used to care for Nia Jax. Rousey arrives to mixed reaction, threatens to rip off Jax’s arm and beat Charlotte Flair with it. Yay! My seven-year-old second-grade daughters could have scripted that line! Suddenly, a wild Natalya appears to earn her paycheck but is beaten up by The Riott Squad. I am so confused about any of this.
The Authors of Pain defeat Bobby Roode & Chad Gable – Decent tag team title match. Decent. Because the stupid antics of “Drake Maverick” completely ruins it. AoP is supposed to be representative of monsters who can steamroll competition, like their time in NXT with Paul Ellering. Instead, Maverick embraces his urinary urges and pisses on Roode’s robe in the bathroom. This causes a distraction and the loss.
No, this is not how AoP is supposed to win. Maverick has quickly turned into a dumb joke. He looks stupid wearing the AoP riot gear and I’m just completely done being able to take anything seriously at this point.
Ember Moon defeats Alicia Fox only so Curt Hawkins can celebrate and remember what it is like to feel victory.
Jinder Mahal defeats No Way Jose
Because… WE NEED TIME TO FILL!!!
Seth Rollins’ open challenge for the Intercontinental Championship is answered by… Dolph Ziggler.
Surprised but not. Ziggler cuts a promo about them having a solid rivalry and Ambrose is just another distraction and reason why Ziggler will take back the IC title. Not a bad promo, but I feel as though we’ve hear this already.
Match started off great, but then I lose my mind. Because the Goddamn Announce Team can’t shut the hell up about “bringing back prestige to what is known as the ‘workhorse’ championship on RAW.” What do you think the Intercontinental Championship has been for the past few years? Ever since Brock “timewasting” Lesnar arrived and kidnapped the Universally Intergalactic Championship and cradled it in his corner like Gollum, the IC title is THE TITLE of the show. They constantly do this. STOP. Do they not realize by making statements about “bringing back prestige” they devalue the title?
However, something shocking happened! Seth Rollins actually pinned someone with the top-rope Superplex/Falcon Arrow combo. If he has pinned someone off it before then I missed it. But hey, good match, because we’ve seen Rollins/Ziggler eighty bazillion times so I’m not expecting anything less or more because I know what to expect from the expected.
I wasn’t sure what the worst segment was tonight, until Alexa Bliss, Sasha Banks, an Bayley had some sort of Q&A with the worst staged questions. Inevitably, Alicia Fox, Mickie James, and Dana Brooke, because why not Dana Brooke, come out and attack Banks and Bayley, only to be driven off.
Bayley has to stop talking on the mic. Just. Stop. Talking.
Tonight’s show ends the way it started. Lio Rush just prancing around like a moron while the main event between Finn Balor and Bacon Rorbin goes south as Lashley and McIntyre assist with beating Balor to a pulp, just like how they took out Elias. So, we end the way we started, with way too much of useless storyline pushing no one cares about.
Good night, and may Primus have mercy on my soul.
