Watching Life-Size, the 2000 made-for-TV movie starring Lindsay Lohan and Tyra Banks, was a formative experience for many millennials. And nostalgia is trendy, so it’s almost shocking that it took the powers that be 18 years to make another. But Freeform didn’t seem interested in just updating the story for a new generation of kids. Instead, this seems to be a film made for the same exact audience that made the original a success. As a result, the film is truly a wild viewing experience… for better and worse.
This film isn’t about a precocious kid trying to process the death of her mother with the help of a doll brought to life. In this modern update, our heroine is the party-animal CEO of a toy company who first meets the magical Eve doll in bed, where she thinks the two had a drunken one-night stand she just forgot. The casual depiction of bisexuality in what was marketed as a family movie is commendable, but to say the plot development was jarring is an understatement. This isn’t your grandparent’s Life-Size. Or, to appropriate a more modern expression: this Life-Size fucks.
But edgy reboots don’t always make sense, and a sequel to Life-Size with alcohol-fueled blackouts, subplots about corporate espionage, and a ton of sex jokes feels like a bizarre decision all around. But let’s not get too conservative here; this content would be fine, and fun for the audiences that grew up with the original, if it fully committed to its newfound PG-13 rating. But whenever the film isn’t edgy, it’s almost hopelessly saccharine and immature. Imagine if a Hallmark Christmas movie had a sex scene and jokes about penis size or prison violence sprinkled throughout. It makes no tonal sense.
That being said, the modern updates work wonders in terms of onscreen progress. As mentioned before, the film has a casually bisexual lead character whose sexuality is never remarked on or sensationalized. In fact, there are quite a few LGBTQ+ characters in the main cast, and a majority of the primary characters are played by actors of color. Also, for what it’s worth, the film’s main message is about the importance of creating progressive, inclusive toys. At its heart, it’s a well-intentioned film with a good heart that makes it hard to hate.
It shouldn’t come as a surprise to learn that the film is campy as hell, and your enjoyment will largely depend on how willing you are to go along with that. This is a very silly movie with love stories that don’t make sense at all, plot developments that have no basis in reality, and cringe-worthy dialogue. The film seems to be aware of its campy origin — but it’s hard to know for sure.
One of my favorite moments: Eve falls in love with a food truck driver who constantly remains in a chef uniform and is not fazed in the slightest by the fact that she’s a doll. Another great scene finds a character designing “Woke Eve,” who is planning a protest at the capital. And, Tyra Banks gets to rap… twice. Whether it’s in on the joke or not, the film delivers some great laughs.
And, for what it’s worth, Tyra Banks is 100% game for what she’s asked to do here. It’s not exactly a finely-tuned comedic performance, but it has its charm and Banks manages to get fully invested without making it annoying or silly (a deceivingly difficult task given how ridiculous the material is). Her work in the original film is fairly iconic — while the film might not be a household name, most millennials remember it fondly, and some of her better moments have been immortalized as GIFs. While her performance here will probably not have the same impact, it’s ultimately fine.
On a broader note, I’m happy that the film & TV community has moved into a realm where they can stop complaining about Hallmark, Lifetime, and Freeform Christmas movies. These films are largely harmless, and have a certain appeal that makes them fun while in the right mindset. To me, this evolution of the consensus marks a changing of the gatekeepers of film and TV criticism — or at least the beginnings of a change.
Because, yes, while this movie is very silly and weird and tonally confused, it’s also mildly amusing and harmless. To punch down just feels like a waste of written words. The audience for this film will probably have some fun, and whether I was gasping in disbelief at the shockingly edgy content, or laughing at the ridiculous plot developments, I certainly did too.
Overall rating: it feels silly to rate this movie, but let’s just call it even and say 5/10.
