Written by Matthew Widdis
The New Day kicks off the New Year, complete with a 300lb Big Bab-E New Year. Big E tries to use “Steiner Math” to hype their Royal Rumble chances before taking a swipe at Brock Lesnar. They move onto their New Year’s resolutions and…oh dear lord. Some things aren’t meant to be souvenirs. Some movie reviews aside, it’s time for a match and the winner gets a spot in the fatal five-way to determine the #1 contender to challenge at Royal Rumble.
Jeff Hardy vs Samoa Joe
This match goes pretty much paint-by-numbers for both men up to about the ¾ mark. The difference between Christmas and New Year’s matches is the turn our narrative has taken. This is no longer about Jeff Hardy. This is about Samoa Joe.
A few weeks ago, this looked like a rehash of the Punk/Jeff feud where somebody drags Jeff’s well-aired dirty laundry out onto the lawn. Jeff fights back. Jeff lives for the moment with a big dive and everybody cheers.
Since last week, this became personal for Joe’s character. Now, he has the motive and, believably, a fair amount of the sympathy (vs the office instead of Hardy.) This was a win so clean, it was better than Clorox. Jeff hits the Twist of Fate. He nails the Swanton. Joe rolls out of the ring to avoid the cover. Jeff goes to follow up. Joe catches him in the Coquina Clutch and sleeps him on the outside. The referee breaks the count. Jeff gets back in the ring and slides directly into a second clutch that puts him out cold.
Winner by referee stoppage/TKO: Samoa Joe
Recap of AJ getting slapped by Vince McMahon and then dropping the patriarch of pro wrestling with a right hand. The announce team ponders which version of AJ we’ll get tonight.
Backstage
Vince and Shane are discussing the fatal five-way. Vince is high on Joe and Shane loves the idea of the winner having earned his shot at the title under harsh conditions. A knock on the door brings in AJ Styles. Shane had summoned him and AJ questions if that’s a good idea. He won’t apologize for what happened when he’s provoked like last week. He wants to know if they want to see “the real AJ Styles” in the five-way or if they want to see him right now. Shane stands up to cut him off but Vince holds him back. AJ walks off and Vince is proud of what he’s unleashed.
In ring
New US Champion Rusev comes down to the ring, accompanied by Lana. He proclaims his win as the greatest Rusev Day of all. He says that he takes pride in the US title and his reign will be as long and luscious as his beard. He leads the crowd in a Ru-sev Day U-S-A chant when Shinsuke Nakamura blindsides him. Lana tries to help out her baby brute by climbing on top of Nak. Rusev nails him with a Machka kick but Nakamura lands on top of Lana. As Rusev attends to her, he gets a mouth full of knee and The Artist heads to the back.
Recap of Mandy Rose and Sonya Deville stepping under the mistletoe to (unsuccessfully) tempt Jimmy Uso and getting chased off by Naomi.
Naomi vs Mandy Rose w/ Sonya Deville
Mandy is wearing an Usos crop top! Naomi chases her out of the ring and, when the bell rings, turns her attention to Sonya Deville. Now, the match is Naomi and Sonya it seems. Naomi is in control during the match until Mandy grabs the mic. She tells Naomi that she was thinking about her husband and sent Jimmy “this.” “This” being a glamour shot of her in only a towel. The distraction works as Sonya hits a running knee and a bizarre finisher that looks like she turns a face front suplex into a self-DDT. 1-2-3 and mind game Mandy walks the victor to the back.
Winner by pinfall: Sonya Deville
Randy Orton says that Rey Mysterio knows what it’s like to be one of his victims and, after tonight, so will the rest of his opponents. Rey says that he didn’t come back for nostalgia and he’s going to earn another shot at the big belt. Mustafa Ali and his ceremonial Iron man arc reactor tell us that he wants to represent Smackdown with hope and with heart.
WWE Smackdown Superstar New Year’s Resolutions:
The IIconics- To be the inaugural WWE women’s tag team champions
Anderson & Gallows- To turn Anderson’s 8-pack into a 10-pack and to eradicate nerds
Shelton Benjamin- New Year’s resolutions are a fraud and so are all of we
Samoa Joe showed Jeff Hardy that he has become Jeff’s obsession and thus his downfall. Next, Jeff will obsess over his jealousy as Joe raises the world title belt overhead at Royal Rumble.
In ring
You can’t see him but you can see a shout-out via merch he sends to Ellen Degeneres on the way to the ring. John Cena has a new movie out and therefore is on Smackdown Live! He lays out his 2018 for all of us: buying a ticket to WrestleMania, his personal life on display, shooting movies in China, the Saul Goodman haircut, plugging his movie, all of it. In a fairly lukewarm promo, he wants to know why he’s there. He meta-references that they’ll play somebody’s music, “some man” will walk out, and then we’ll find out together.
It’s not “some man.” It’s The Man! (Which anyone on social media over the holidays has likely seen already.) She says that she’s taking over John’s spot as the top billing (not too far off!) they’re interrupted by Andrade “Cien” Almas and Zelina Vega. Zelina says that the New Year was supposed to be about new opportunities and new faces, not old faces and broken faces. John Cena hits the audience’s “on” switch and we’ve got us a tag team match, playa!
John Cena & Becky Lynch vs Andrade “Cien” Almas & Zelina Vega
Becky works her “The Man” gimmick beautifully, getting in El Idolo’s face and tagging John Cena with chest slaps. It works. One of the biggest stars in the history of pro wrestling is in the ring with one of the best workers in the world today and they’re still chanting Becky’s name. The finish comes when John Cena hits four of his five moves of doom on Almas before Becky tosses him out of the ring after El Idolo. Vega’s schoolgirl attempt gets turned into a Dis-arm-her and that’s the match.
Winners by submission: John Cena & The Man
John Cena and his hair give props to Becky’s ambition. He extends the hand but she can’t see him and walks on by after a familiar taunt.
Recap of Miz explaining his daddy issues to Shane and their impending tag team partnership.
Backstage
Shane is standing in front of the WWE World Cup (of course) and talking to production assistants who may or may not be Heath Slater’s oldest children. Miz comes in and Shane dismisses the PAs. Miz is laying out designs for team uniforms. Shane is hesitant and distracts Miz so he can slip away.
New versions of the NXT callup promos are played for us.
Backstage
Triple H is talking with Asuka about potential opponents at Royal Rumble when Charlotte comes into frame. She argues her case regarding Ronda Rousey’s interference at TLC. Carmella steps up to mention her 130-day reign as champ and her two wins apiece over Charlotte and Asuka. Right on cue, Becky pushes through HHH to the center of the shot and says that she’s the only option. The COO of WWE bemusedly tells them all that it will be taken under advisement
Rey Mysterio vs Mustafa Ali vs Samoa Joe vs AJ Styles vs Randy Orton in a Fatal Five-Way (with the winner advancing to a WWE Title match vs Daniel Bryan at Royal Rumble)
As the ring fills, I can’t help but think about how every one of the men in this match can work circles around 90% of the business. Mustafa Ali, the guy with a few weeks on the roster has a logical tie-in to the match via champion, Daniel Bryan. The others have feuds with each other that go back over ten years. “Animalistic” is a great description of “the real AJ Styles” as he opens the match looking like a dog trying to claim a yard. Randy Orton, often maligned for sleepwalking his way through main event matches, plays the heavy. Samoa Joe is the game-changer, taking opponents out so the crowd can focus on two-at-a-time. Rey Mysterio partners up with Ali for a cruiserweight main event in the middle of our match. Tables are broken. Hurricanranas on the floor. Powerful slams. Flippy stuff. In the end, it’s a springboard 450 on The Viper to send AJ Styles to Royal Rumble.
Winner by pinfall: AJ Styles
Final thoughts: U2’s Bono sang, “Nothing changes on New Year’s Day.” That’s mostly, but not entirely, true. Smackdown is still a fantastic show, giving us the best wrestling on a nationwide platform. With the “new new McMahon Era again era,” we’re seeing certain angles and divisions changing up.
AJ Styles is going anti-hero. Becky’s push is being made into her persona. Samoa Joe is getting his due. Rusev Day has finally come. Mandy Rose is being trusted with the women’s mid-card and is not disappointing. Mustafa Ali, a 165lb goody-two-shoes, is popping the crowd. Zelina Vega’s promos get longer and she turns the attitude dial up while doing it. And, every now and then, a John Cena waits for just the right time to go all John Cena on a lackluster crowd.
The conductors are looking to new sections of the orchestra but the song remains the same.
