Written by Matthew Widdis
The broadcast opens with a memoriam for King Kong Bundy, reported dead earlier in the day. Not a Hall of Fame inductee, Atlantic City’s own “Human Condominium” was famous for his “fastest pin” record earned at the first Wrestlemania, his credible feud with Hulk Hogan leading to a steel cage match at Wrestlemania 2, his insistence at a referee five count to end his matches, and appearances in films and TV.
In ring
WWE World champ, Daniel Bryan comes to the ring with Rowan. The announce team and DB remind us that Kofi Kingston got screwed last week with a video package detailing Vince McMahon halting Kofi’s recent surge in momentum by replacing him with Kevin Owens in the main event at FastLane. Daniel says that he remained silent when Mr McMahon replaced Kofi but, now, he speaks. He thinks Vince was right to replace Kofi because he’s not a leader but thinks that he was wrong to replace him with Kevin Owens. He mocks Kevin’s weight and his thought process. He says that Kevin Owens is nobody and that’s what makes him dangerous: A nobody has nothing to lose.
Kevin Owens comes out for rebuttal. He says that, during his five month recuperation and rehab, he became a member of the WWE Universe again. He says that Daniel is condescending and his discarding of the WWE title was the last straw. He needs his mouth shut and KO is the one to do it. He gets into the ring and runs into Daniel’s “seven foot insurance policy.” Daniel says that KO hasn’t got any friends left, a fact that he freely cops to. He also freely cops to taking shots Rowan and, after dumping him outside, the champ. Rowan recovers and and hits the skull palm slam to leave KO in a heap.
Jey Uso vs The Miz
Jimmy and Jey go off on Miz’s sycophantic tendencies and daddy issues. Shane’s suicidal jumps are fair game but they acquiesce to his S-tier shoe game.
Shane says that their passion and emotions are what makes them the best tag team in the world. Miz says that one lapse in The Usos concentration and he will exploit it and beat them and that will be AWESOOO… The Usos swing but get sent to the floor by The Co-Besties.
Most of this match was in the little window but the first half of it portrayed Miz as the fiery face. Heated up and focused, he bashes Jey Uso off of the announce table and stalks him back into the ring. Also notable is his recent switch up from using the “Daniel Bryan running dropkicks” and replacing them with double knees in the corner before the Awesome Clothesline. With D-Bry back in the ring, it seems to have run its course. Jimmy attempts to and assistance to Jey’s rollup attempt. It’s unsuccessful but it does activate a Shane McMahon leaping clothesline off of the ring steps. Inside the ring, Jey misses a charge and gets caught in a Skull-Crushing Finale for the win. Half-defeated, the Usos raise their titles high as they walk off to the back.
Your winner by pinfall: The Miz
In the back
Charlotte Flair has requested and interview with Kayla Braxton. There is now a match between The Queen and The Man at FastLane, lucha de apuestas : Becky’s job vs a spot in the Wrestlemania main event making it a triple threat. She says that Smackdown is missing Becky Lynch’s hobbling around. After the beating she received from Ronda Rousey on Monday night RAW, is she The Man enough to face her tonight and give an update on her physical and mental status?
In ring
United States Champion R-Truth laments taking on the open challenge but Carmella reminds him to be brave because John Cena said “Never give up!” Truth says that Cena also said, “You can’t see me” but he’s everywhere. After a seven second dance break and the obligatory Lacey Evans catwalk, we get an answer: Samoa Joe! And Rey Mysterio!? And Andrade!?
R-Truth vs Samoa Joe vs Rey Mysterio vs Andrade w/Zelina Vega (Fatal Four-way rules)
Early on, Samoa Joe clears house and isolates Rey to make use of the biggest size differential. He stalks Truth and Andrade (who resists vainly by tossing his towel into the crowd.) Andrade fights back with the feint kick elbow but is tossed outside… and right into the path of a Samoan suicide dive! Joe is ready to throw rey into the crowd but Rey fights long enough for truth to hit a dropkick on the big man. After he recovers, Andrade hits Three Amigos to mock Rey. The Lucha King catches him before he can launch from the top turnbuckle. Truth gets Andrade on the shoulders. Andrade rolls him allowing Rey a clear shot to dive on Joe. R-Truth hits Five-Knuckle Shuffle but misses the axe kick. Samoa Joe capitalizes with the Coquina Clutch but Rey saves the match with a 619. Truth is dumped outside and we get a very scary spot where a sunset flip powerbomb on Rey by Andrade sees some hesitation, comes down at a sharp angle, and knocks what looks like Rey’s gum out of his mouth? And he puts it back in? Conscientious but kinda unsanitary. Zelina with a hurricanrana on Truth but Carmella nails her with a superkick! Andrade gets Rey up for another powerbomb but Rey busts out the Mexican Destroyer! 619 and the frog Splash connect but so does Samoa Joe’s senton! Huge Uranage on Andrade and Samoa Joe gets a huge ovation of “Joe!” chants for his first title win on the main roster.
Your winner by pinfall and new United States Champion: Samoa Joe
In the back
Becky Lynch is walking along on a crutch (on the wrong side or is she beat up enough that there is no wrong side?) and stopping to talk staff.
In Mumbai, India
It’s ya boys, The New Day! They are happy to represent WWE around the world but vow to be at FastLane, too. Byron Saxton is skeptical of the timing for this overseas trip. Corey Graves explains media relation to him.
The Shield reunion is being hyped as “one last time” at FastLane.
In the back
Kayla Braxton interviews Samoa Joe says that the jibes of “He can’t win the big one,” were just unanswered prayers. They all know what he’d do to get gold and they fear what he’ll do to keep it.
In ring
Aleister Black & Ricochet vs The Bar
Ricochet starts out strong (or rather “fast”) with quick hits and a shooting star press but The Bar tag in and out, using their size and power to ground him. Aleister Black come sin with an Asai Moonsault and a high knee on Sheamus. Cesaro takes over but makes communion at a Black Mass! Aleister doesn’t go for the pin. Ricochet tags in and hits the 630 as Aleister takes out Sheamus on the outside.
Your winners by pinfall: Ricochet & Aleister Black
As the NXT standouts celebrate, they’re attacked from behind by Rusev and Shinsuke Nakamura! The Bar get back into the fight but The Hardy Boyz hit the ring. Twists of Fate and dives over the top rope send the heels packing.
In the back
Rowan prepares in the locker room for his match against Kevin Owens. Daniel Bryan is coaching him.
In ring
Mandy Rose w/ Sonya Deville vs Naomi
Naomi starts by pummeling Mandy with right hands and a jawbreaker but Sonya distracts her. The running knee and a Butterfly Buster change the tide.
Your winner by pinfall: Mandy Rose
As Mandy and Sonya walk to the back, a wild Asuka appears! A roundhouse kick to Sonya’s head takes her out of the equation. She batters Mandy with forearm shots. Sonya recovers but both “Fire” and “Desire” are sent head first into the LED set and Mandy gets a head kick for good measure. The Smackdown women’s champion walks off, leaving them on the ground.
In the back
Kayla Braxton is going to talk about the WWE title match at FastLane with AJ Styles. AJ says that Kevin was in a lose/lose situation and Kofi was straight up robbed. The McMahons were supposed to be listening to the fans but the fans are literally chanting for Kofi and… AJ is interrupted by Randy Orton over his shoulder for the second time in as many weeks. The Viper can’t believe that AJ is talking about how someone other than himself is deserving of an opportunity and says that mindset is why it took him 15 years to get to WWE.
In ring
Kevin Owens vs Rowan
KO is the aggressor, getting in three shots to Rowan’s one but each of Rowan’s “ones” puts Owens on his keister. A big boot, an avalanche, and a 300+lb dropkick send Owens to the outside. Daniel Bryan leaves his seat to make sure KO can hear his commentary on what a lazy talent he is, prompting Owens to attack the champ. Rowan takes full advantage and goes right over him like a freight train.
Daniel mounts him for punches and the bell is rung. Rowan body slams KO on the floor and, at Daniel’s direction, begins prepping the announce table. This brings out a returning Mustafa Ali! Ali drop kicks the champ and escapes being slam dunked into the table by getting his feet down and then putting them in Rowan’s teeth. The former Chi-Town police officer runs Rowan into the ringpost with a hurricanrana but is pushed off and into a running knee off the apron courtesy of the champion. Daniel rolls Ali into the ring and sets him up for the stomps but Kevin Owens siphons a bit pf Stone Cold’s soul from Becky Lynch and hits him with a stunner. Rowan gathers up his intellectual peer and they retreat.
Your winner by disqualification: Kevin Owens
In the back
Charlotte Flair saunters through the back towards gorilla position.
In the ring
Charlotte walks out to resounding boos from the crowd. She tells us that she has something for us and motions for silence. The video package plays from Monday Night RAW were Ronda Rousey “stops pretending” and puts Becky Lynch through a hurricane as the beats the brakes off of her and backs off Charlotte any time it looked like she’d intervene. Charlotte wonders how they get her very best friend, Becky, out to the ring for a conversation. She starts a short “Bec! Ky!” chant and out hobbles The Man. Becky’s all smiles and says the cheers are the sound of the Man comin’ ‘round. She’s happy to be in Charlotte’s head and in Ronda’s. The RAW women’s champion hit Becky with her absolute best last night but she’s still standing and still ready to fight again. Her ribs are sore, her arm was almost broken, and her knee is damaged but damaged people are the most dangerous because they’ve got nothing left to lose. Charlotte questions that, first in the form of kicking out Becky’s leg and then taunting her. She repeatedly asks if Becky is sure that she has nothing to lose while kicking at her bad knee and battering it with a crutch. Eventually, Becky gets hold of the crutch and hits Charlotte until she can lock on the Dis-Arm-Her. The referees and agents come out from the back and the announce team hypes Sunday’s FastLane per-per-view as Becky taunts a retreating Charlotte.
Final thoughts:
Mustafa Ali is back in the mix. Is he just picking up where he was supposed to be with Kofi Kingston as a temporary placeholder? Is Kevin Owens an insurance policy for the newer Ali and the as-of-yet not-main-event Kofi? Or is he back in the top of the card by popular demand?
If my summary of the United States Championship 4-way seems disjointed, that’s because there was so much more going on than I could put in there. That match was a great example of “controlled chaos” and whoever helped put that together deserves an attaboy. If it was Abyss or Hurricane, they’ve set good precedent already. Fantastic match laid out with four ace pros making it happen.
As good as Samoa Joe is in the ring, there are few who can hope to match him on the mic. Goosebumps from that post-match promo. The R-Truth open challenge run still had legs on it but Joe with the US title could be the start of something great. The win certainly seems overdue.
I love watching Ricochet & Aleister Black these past few weeks but they are steamrolling the upper tier of two different tag divisions. If the NXT guys were called up because Vince didn’t think the “stars” were doing there, I hope he knows that it’s harder when they’re losing every week.
Ronda’s promo and snap on RAW was what this angle needed after some lackluster delivery and unpredictable reactions. Becky showing up all smiles tonight keeps her strong and all Charlotte has to do is show up every week and not be Becky to get heat like a parking lot in August.
If you want to know why Vince McMahon doesn’t evolve with the times, think about the how much social media gives fans insight into the reality of the behind-the-scenes workings of the company. Now think about the heat reactions that Vince and Charlotte have been getting from fans regarding the Kofi and Becky replacements. Are you sure he hasn’t changed up how he plays the same old game?
