This is going to be a bit different from my usual reviews. Here’s why… IT’S WRESTLEMANIA SEASON!!!!
WWE has been off-the-rails. One week it’s good, the next we’re facepalming at every goddamned segment. The shows have been incredibly inconsistent, but we can always rely on Twitter users losing their minds. Case in point, right after Seth Rollins clobbers Brock Lesnar with a Curb Stomp, Twitter lights up with “Rollins losing confirmed.” Think about how WWE has been a bit nuts lately. We’re getting Kofi Kingston vs. Daniel Bryan for the WWE Championship for crying out loud! Women’s Tag Titles exist! Women will be the final match of WrestleMania!
The show kicks off with Stephanie McMahon inserting herself into the Women’s Championship Main Event! Just kidding. April fools. She realizes this didn’t go over well, and gets to the damn point – BOTH Women’s Titles are on the line. Winner-take-all. However, it was not made clear if this means one woman will have both championship belts, or, if both championships are being unified. I still think it was a dumbass move for Charlotte to be given the SmackDown Championship. She’s got a belt. Woo Hoo. Now, the stipulation, means she could lose it anyway. Now Asuka is screwed. What’s she going to do at WrestleMania?
I may not go in order tonight, bear with me.
Rabbi Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar are out, Heyman begins his articulate promo, until Seth Rollins interrupts. Lesnar doesn’t say anything, thank Primus, but shoulder-bumps Seth after the challenger promises victory. Rollins kicks Lesnar in the nuts, eats a German, then punches Lesnar in the nuts again, superkick, then Curb Stomp.
I guess when it’s Brock, all bets are off and nuts are fair game.
Since we’re talking about the women, let’s get to the eight-woman tag match where Beth Phoenix owns everyone and destroys The Iconics and the Samoan Wrecking Crew. Good lord. I wouldn’t be surprised if we get a title change at WrestleMania.
Dave Bautista or Batista comes out and plays a titantron featuring himself, obliterating Triple H over and over. He makes a simple statement to The Game: “Kiss my ass.”
Well played, sir.
Apollo Crews defeats Jinder Mahal. Because why not? Around the ring are other participants of the Andre Memorial Battle Royal. Apollo stands tall at the end. Hm. Speaking of this oddly hyped match, later in the show Tyler Breeze chats with Alexa Bliss while EC3 is talking to himself because he’s still waiting for WWE Creative to actually do something with him since ripping him away from NXT. Braun Strowman arrives to further his grudge with the hosts of Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update. Sigh. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!?!
Kurt Angle does a farewell speech of sorts, until Bacon Bits Rorbin interrupts. He uses a piece of reality how everyone on the damn Earth wants anyone but him as Angle’s final opponent. As a fight looms, Rey Mysterio arrives to challenge Corbin. Yay.
Backstage: Charlotte Flair discusses the stipulation, in tonight’s six-woman tag match, where if anyone “backstabs” the team, said woman is OUT of Mania. Charlotte says she’s a pro, and will walk away from Mania with both titles. I mean, this makes sense. She won’t cut a promo about losing, right?
The Revival retain the WWE RAW Tag Team Championships against Aleister Black & Ricochet by COUNT OUT
COUNT OUT! Haven’t seen a dramatic finish like that in a while. Slick move for Dawson to hide under the ring and hold Ricochet’s leg to prevent him from beating the count. Great match, maybe this will make the WrestleMania show. It’s going to be 14 hours long this year, there’s gotta be room, right?
I think Elias did something. WrestleMania?
Rousey, Charlotte, Lynch defeated The Riott Squad
The match was only minutes long, but the real fight was after the bell, when all three tore into each other. If the indy security guards weren’t enough, they send in interns and employees dressed as cops to break up an inevitable fight. They all wind up handcuffed and escorted out of the arena. Michael Cole slips a bit a paints Becky heelish, but it’s a good thing no one listens to him anyway. This fight gets INSANE. Why wait until WrestleMania? Rousey punches a cop, gets cuffed. Lynch attacks Rousey, she gets cuffed. Charlotte, of course, then attacks, and SHE is cuffed also. But they all somehow manage to struggle and fight all the way to the back, and in the funniest moment, they put Rousey and Lynch in the SAME damned police cruiser. They kick each other like two girls fighting over the same bed at a sleepaway camp. Rousey manages to crash the cars and things just get BAT-NUT-LOCO.
This was the funniest **** I’ve seen all night.
Earlier, Drew McIntyre attacked Roman Reigns backstage. I guess I’ll quote the twitter trolls “Reigns win confirmed.”
Man, if I was still a WWE employee, I would have been one of those cops. For sure.
Still don’t get why Asuka lost the WWE SmackDown Championship.
Heavy Machinery defeated Glorious (Roode & Gable)
Uhm. Lacey Evans interrupts, and seems to have caught the eye of both Otis and Bobby Roode. Maybe Roode will finally go back solo, have the lady in his corner, and go uber-heel. Man. These four are going nowhere. I wonder if anyone wishes they can get sent back to NXT.
Braun Strowman makes his second appearance of the night, beating up the two shlubs he met in the hallway. I ask again, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?
In ring promo with Bobby Lashley. Thankfully, Lio Rush does the talking, but is interrupted when DEMON Balor appears on the titantron. Sorry, still low interest here. Having a hard time caring about this.
Oh, I get it. Asuka will win the We Don’t Have Memorial Title for the Women’s Battle Royal.
Tonight’s Main Event is Bacon Rorbin vs. Rey Mysterio! Because it’s my fault! #BaconRorbin is a thing! It’s real!
No, it’s not. But “Disasterpiece” became a thing.
Rey on RAW supposed to be special? Not sure. Had a hard time getting into it. Rey took a lot of bumps shots tonight. I don’t understand how Corbin vs. Mysterio is the go-home main event match for RAW. This was horrible. Bacon Rorbin winds up squashing Rey Mysterio. What in the blue hell is going on?
The show closes with Kurt Angle locking Bacon Rorbin in the ankle lock on the RAW stage, and a recap of the triple arrest of Rousey, Lynch, and Charlotte.
No Triple H tonight. No John Cena even. RAW ends on a strange note. Hopefully SmackDown will have more juice to send us home.
Overall, I’m not entirely impressed or hyped for WrestleMania. I think the past few years of hype and disappointment has left me in a state of cautious optimism. I loved WrestleMania season. Loved it. It was crazy, the builds, the hype, the anticipation for a HUGE show. But the past few years I’ve struggled to even stay awake for the final match. I left my friend’s house last year early because we were all falling asleep during the Brock match. Maybe I’m getting older, patience wearing, and the WWE product isn’t as entertaining to me as it used to. Does it mean it’s bad? To those who fill the seats and watch every show, probably not. I am having a hard time looking at most of these matches as “WrestleMania” matches when many of these feel more like RAW or SmackDown main events. I’ve been glued to NXT, NXT UK, and NJPW. Maybe I find those brands of wrestling more exciting. Maybe tastes change.
But, I’m a fan. I’m still tuning in and will still be on my couch hoping for a “WrestleMania Moment.” Kofi over Bryan? Rollins over Brock? Lynch standing tall? This is what we’re waiting to see. Let’s see what WWE’s crew has in store for us.
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