Doctor Dolittle has an uneven history at the movies. 1967’s Doctor Dolittle was nominated for Best Picture and contains arguably “cinema’s greatest minute,” but it’s still a terrible musical with an awful lead performance from Rex Harrison. Eddie Murphy fared much better in the late ’90s and early ’00s with his non-musical take on the character and it’s hard to imagine a more successful re-interpretation.
Unfortunately, the freshly-dropped trailer for 2020’s Dolittle suggests the character’s track record isn’t about to improve. Starring Robert Downey Jr. in his first post-MCU role as the titular doctor who can talk to animals, the trailer is a collection of horrors almost as laughable as the Cats trailer. So, here’s a moment-by-moment breakdown of the stages of grief involved in watching the trailer.
Seven seconds in when a down-tempo emo version of “What a Wonderful World” starts playing: No, ma’am. *closes window*
Fourteen seconds in, when a title card reading, “From the producer of Alice in Wonderland” appears: STOP IT.
Twenty-two seconds in, when a title card reading, “And Maleficent,” appears: OK, I’m back.
Thirty-seven second in, when it reminds you it will be released in January: Isn’t winter hard enough?
Forty-four seconds in, when a goose runs directly at the screen: Being in this movie is exactly the kind of escalation we should have expected from the horrible goose in Untitled Goose Game.
Forty-eight seconds in, when Downey speaks for the first time: What accent is this and should he seek medical attention?
Fifty-four seconds in, when a tropical parrot tells everyone to pack their bags: Wonder who voices that parrot. Might be hard to find on iMDb, but it’s probably named something asinine like “Polly”. *Goes to iMDb and sees that Dame Emma Thompson is playing a character named “Polynesia”* ….oh, no.
Fifty-eight seconds in, when Harry Collett as Tommy Stubbins reminds us that Dolittle can talk to animals: Why…why is the dialogue not synched?
One minute and eighteen seconds in, when we see an overhead shot of CGI animals ruining a dinner in a setting dripping in Orientalism: Huh, I guess a lot of kids probably haven’t seen Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
One minute and twenty seconds in, when Antonio Banderas as Rassouli appears in eyeliner: DADDY
One minute and thirty-three seconds in, when the image of the bad CGI giraffe throwing a bad CGI rendition of Collett makes it impossible to ignore the bad CGI any longer: Do we, as a species, deserve to go on?
One minute and forty-five seconds in, when instead of some big finish, the trailer ends with Downlittle gently shutting a door: Oh, OK, I mean, I guess it could have been worse.
One minute and fifty seconds in, when a big music cue initiates an on-beat list of actors who provide voices for the film: We as an audience have failed every single one of these people.
One minute and fifty-five seconds in, when Oscar winner Marion Cotillard receives lowest billing: We have strayed so far from God’s light.
Dolittle aka the Horseman of Famine opens January 17, 2020.
