HomeMovies'Black Christmas' Review: Like a Lump of Coal in Your Stocking...But Somehow...

‘Black Christmas’ Review: Like a Lump of Coal in Your Stocking…But Somehow Worse

Imogen Poots in Black Christmas (2019)
Photo Credit: Blumhouse

Lately, there has been an unfortunate trend of studios giving away far too much in film trailers. In the case of the 2019 remake of Black Christmas, they gave away the entire movie. Not only did they reveal almost every death, they gave away the villains. Honestly, we could stop this review right here and tell you to just watch every trailer released, because you would probably enjoy it more than the film itself.

To quickly sum up the plot: a group of sorority girls at Hawthorne College are stalked by masked men in capes after calling out a fraternity for their rape culture.

There aren’t many good things to say about Black Christmas. The 1974 original was excellent and they already released a fun, extra violent and gore filled remake 13 years ago, which makes this PG-13 mess another obvious Blumhouse cash grab. Even Cary Elwes couldn’t rescue this holiday embarrassment.

The one positive thing I have to say about the movie is that the song the ladies sing at the talent show was pretty funny. They created a rhyme about rape to the tune of a Christmas carol that has completely escaped me in all of the disgust I have for everything else I watched.

The feminist take on Black Christmas could have been handled much better. The writers went overboard on the, “men are bad, women are good,” mentality. They gave us exactly two men, in the entire movie that weren’t absolute trash. All men are rapists who demand power and all women are weak victims—until they aren’t. That’s the story we are fed for an hour and 32 minutes. If Buffy can make women feel powerful in one 40 minute episode, Black Christmas could’ve done more than this cheap attempt.

Riley (Imogen Poots), was raped by the president of the fraternity, DKO. We spend the movie watching her grow to fight against this guy and his frat in an unrealistic and insulting timeline for a rape victim. Then we have her stereotypical feminist roommate, who has a petition going around to fight the patriarchal system by firing their professor, Sheldon (Cary Elwes), because he only has white men on his syllabus. From here, you can guess exactly who the killers are, and why. Will the women rise up to fight in a way that only women can? You betcha.

Outside of the horrible theme, the characters were unlikable, the dialogue sounded written, there was zero tension, all of the “scares” were jump scares, it was disturbingly predictable, and there needed to be gore.

Making this film PG-13 was an absolutely horrible decision. The gore would have made up for some of the stale acting and, to mention again, bad plot. The 2006 remake is absolute cheese, but the bloody death scenes make the movie worth watching. With the lack of tension, this movie needed blood as a distraction. I would’ve begged for the distraction.

I haven’t even mentioned that there are supernatural elements involved. Yes, there is black magic being used and the ghost of the dead misogynistic founder of the college plays a part. Honestly, I couldn’t make this up if I tried. Right when you think things couldn’t get more ridiculous, they do.

Genuinely, Black Christmas is awful. I could easily say that it is the worst film I have seen all year. I am fairly confident that it may even be the worst film I’ve seen in the past two years. Save your money, save your brain, and watch the other two Black Christmas movies instead. This one isn’t worth a cent from your pocket or a minute of your time.

Black Christmas is now playing in theaters everywhere.

Ann Hale
Ann Hale
Just a giant nerd in love with horror, 80's action flicks, Star Wars and Harry Potter. Hit me up on Twitter or Instagram @scarletjupiter to talk horror or just to browse the horror collection.

Most Recent

Stay Connected