Written by Alan Sarapa
After doing lists for September and October, I think it is time for a column where I just talk about how I feel about what’s going on each soap. Time for me to air my grievances and perhaps even dole out some praise.
The Bold and Beautiful:
Watching B&B right now is like if someone took a terrible self-published novel and decided to make it a TV show. Thomas made out with a mannequin of Hope! I don’t think when Matthew Atkinson took this job last year, he expected to be tonguing plastic. Though he deserves an Emmy for making a story that is basically “Tee hee. Wouldn’t it be fun if Thomas was horny for a doll and Liam saw him and thought it was really Hope?!” work.
Spoiler alert: Because Liam saw Thomas having that private incel moment, he’s going to sleep with Steffy. Jacqueline Macinnes Wood, who plays Steffy, is pregnant. Any soap fan with two brain cells to rub together can see where this is likely going. And fans are already furious about it. Steffy was moving on with hottie Dr. Finn, but this show insists on making her a clown for the most worthless man to ever grace soaps.
Liam already has two daughters who were born within months of each other. He absolutely does not need another kid so soon. Does Brad Bell think fans are sitting around demanding Liam have enough kids to have his own soccer team? Because I think even the unfortunate souls who enjoy Liam don’t want that.
And the stories for the other characters aren’t really better than mistaking a mannequin for your wife. Zende is upset about Zoe getting engaged to Carter? He’s known her for exactly two months! Zoe has been dating Carter for like four months. Why should I care about any of this? Engagements and weddings are meaningless on this show. It has as much significance as you going to Chipotle. And Carter performs every marriage ceremony in town. Is he going to be both officiant and groom?
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Days of Our Lives:
The show has had some bright spots like Jan hijacking the Belle and Shawn wedding, but other than that, the stories on this show are like someone mirco-waved McDonald’s fries. They are straight up garbage. Let’s start with Allie’s rape. Given that it is very likely the rapist will likely be some other unknown son of Ava’s, the story is gross. You have Steve defending his son to his rape victim wife Kayla and you have Tripp in Allie’s face every five minutes. It is borderline unbearable to watch. The only positive thing I can say about this story is at least they aren’t trying to make it a romance like they usually do.
Speaking of gross and borderline unbearable to watch, Jake and Kate are a couple now and she banged Jack when Jennifer was having her Sleeping Beauty year. I mentioned in my column last month about Kate being the town welcome mat, but this is getting ridiculous. When you arrive in Salem, is there an off-screen “Be Our Guest” style musical number about sleeping with Kate sung by all her bed partners? Seeing a character you like have sex with Kate is a bit like seeing an actress you like date Machine Gun Kelly. You lose a bit of respect for them for doing it. Hopefully now that Gabi is back, Jake will stop the above and beyond elder care.
And the story of Gwen being out to destroy Abigail is tedious now. Hopefully the reason for Gwen’s disdain isn’t something stupid like being Jack’s long lost daughter. The show has had enough retcon kids in the past decade. They don’t need another one.
General Hospital:
An actual explosion (not just lights and tricky camera work) and two characters dying in one episode screams sweeps. What makes it compelling is that it touched multiple areas of the canvas. The teens were devastated by Dev’s death, particularly Cameron in a standout performance by William Lipton. Dustin died after proposing to Lulu who herself is now in a coma. Franco is now second to Jason in terms of characters who’ve had the most brain damage to the point it is a miracle they can form sentences. And all of this happened because domestic terrorist and noted herp derp dummy Julian really thought leaving a bomb in a bar would only end in Jason dead. He’s a Jerome. He should know bombs can get other people while the target is walking around not calling his girlfriend.
The performances in reactions to this tragedy were mostly good, but there were a few that were particularly underwhelming. Sonny and Carly acted about as upset you’d be if you lost a sock. And not even a favorite sock. The one with a hole in it that was a little tight. I get that Dev wasn’t actually family, but he did live with them for a year. And the self-congratulatory conversation that ensued with them was tacky in light of Dev dying in a mob war.
Another highlight of GH lately has been drunk Alexis and Nancy Lee Grahn is killing it. She’s been going around reading people for filth and it is endlessly entertaining. Alexis is one of the few people who will be critical of Sam’s addiction to the emotionally (and maybe literally) constipated assassin. Alexis calling Sam out for being willing to do anything for her kids except leave Jason was delightful. One could argue that Danny and Scout seeing drunk Alexis is safer than being around Jason. It is only a matter of a time that a bomb ends up in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese at Scout’s birthday party.
Speaking of the hitman who might need to eat more fiber, I’m intrigued by the possibility of Jason and Britt. I usually don’t root for any woman to permit Mr. Blink & Stare entry, but they have chemistry and GH needs more couples who look like they want to have sex with each other. Michael and Willow being the prime example of GH’s lackluster coupling issues. They feel like a Mormon couple who think tapioca pudding is too spicy.
The Young and the Restless:
80% of Y&R is about Adam right now and if you watch, you know that’s accurate. I am a fan of Adam and Mark Grossman has done a great job being perpetually on four or five days a week, but enough is enough. No character on any show should be dominating this much. Even if Adam isn’t in a scene, there’s a good chance they’ll be talking about him. It is very clear that Adam is head writer Josh Griffith’s Marcia Brady. Everything always has to be about Adam. Meanwhile, Mariah is the Jan Brady of Y&R. Her girlfriend Tessa is so rarely on that she might as well be a made up girlfriend.
It is time for Josh Griffith to go. I know asking for a regime change is a risk, but I’m ready for it. If a new head writer decides to write crazy stuff, well, that’s better than being boring. If Sharon develops a split personality and starts wearing a red wig calling herself Phyllis, I’m fine with that. Nick and Adam become rival rodeo clowns? Cool! Devon gets a doppelganger who wears a wig right out of a Tyler Perry movie? I hope Doppel-Devon locks real Devon in a cage! I’m ready for a change.
They could promote from within. Susan Dansby is a creative consultant who is first credited today. She’s qualified. Or get another out of work head writer. Almost anyone would be an upgrade.
Dispatches From Soapland:
*Matt Trudeau (New Lucas, GH) is so pretty, but his acting is very gay porn. Seeing how he isn’t going to be doing anything unseemly right in front of a woman’s salad, this is a bad thing.
*Justin Gaston should stay as Chance on Y&R. He fits the character and he’s actually visually pleasing.
*I’m tired of Kristen on Days being nice. I realize if she’s going to be in town she can’t be a full blown sociopath, but they need to find a middle ground. Diet sociopath maybe?
*Annika Noelle deserves a bonus from Brad Bell for this mannequin story and for not throwing anything at him when he told her about this story.
