2021 is halfway done, so it is time to take a deep dive look at how the past six months have been for each soap. Spoiler alert: Only two soaps are good right now and the other two are uh, creatively challenged. Yeah, that sounds like the polite way to put it. Much better than saying they are abominations and an affront to the art of soap writing.
The Bold and the Beautiful
Where do I even start with this buffoonery? Oh, I know! The revelation that Vinny hurled himself in front of a car just to get Liam out of the picture and get his BFF Thomas with Hope. This is insulting for two reasons. The way Vinny said “I love you” to Thomas in the video before committing the world’s dumbest suicide had people suspecting Vinny is gay and in love with Thomas. It is really the only logical explanation. Vinny switched a paternity test to try to get Thomas with Hope and then proceeded to die because he wanted him to be happy. I have friends that I want to be happy, but I certainly wouldn’t be willing to make myself roadkill just to get them laid. And they revealed this during Pride Month! Even if Vinny being a friend of Dorothy Zbornak is only subtext, it is enraging for a soap that is set in the fashion industry and has no gay characters to have gay coded characters die for the love life of a straight man.
The other reason is it lets Liam off the hook. This show bends over backward to absolve Liam of every terrible thing he ever does. Cheats on his wife because he saw a man smooching a mannequin? Understandable! Impregnates two women around the same time? Well, if TV host and alleged rapper Nick Cannon doesn’t understand how condoms work, how can we expect Liam to know? Pits Hope and Steffy against each other for years in an emotionally abusive bid for attention? Apparently his dong is the greatest prize in the world, and it is an honor just to compete for it. Keep quiet about a hit and run for two months? That’s all Bill’s fault for taking advantage of Liam’s spine-full-of-jelly disability. Nothing is ever Liam’s fault, and they’ll keep up that “he’s a good man!” mantra despite him having functioned as the villain of the show for the past decade.Â
Thomas learning that poor dead, possibly gay Vinny offed himself led to him telling lawyer Justin about it and ending up locked up in the Spencer Publications basement. Justin was suddenly tired of being Bill’s lackey and wasn’t going to let Thomas clear Liam and Bill’s names. Aaron D. Spears did good work in these scenes, but this heel turn was stupid as hell. Even if Justin kept the CEO job while Bill rotted in prison, he doesn’t own the company. Bill has two other sons, so he’d eventually get booted from the position. It makes Justin look like an idiot for kidnapping Thomas for a job he’ll never keep long term.
The show really tried to sell it by bringing up Justin’s history of doing Bill’s bidding with examples like dropping Ridge out of that helicopter in Dubai. That just makes the show look even worse because you have to confront the racial implications. Justin has existed 90% of the time to jump when Bill says jump and to say stuff like “You the man, Dollar Bill!” Justin’s ex-wife Donna is on the canvas and they haven’t played that at all. Justin just exists to serve his white boss’ story. If you are going to do a story about Justin turning on him, Justin should be shown to start resenting him. They could have had scenes with Justin complaining to Donna about Bill and having it build and build until he takes action. This could have been a real story. Instead, they had Justin going nuts and kidnapping Thomas.Â
Another unplayed beat is the fact that Thomas killed Justin’s niece Emma. Does that get brought up at all? Nope! If you had to do the random heel turn, that could have been used as extra motivation to justify this story. I know fans didn’t care about Emma, which is why we shrug off Thomas killing her, but Justin cared about her. It should at the very least be subtext every time Justin interacts with Thomas. It could have helped give Aaron D. Spears the material to sell this slapdash story, but B&B can’t be bothered to use history that is relevant to both characters. Aaron deserves better than this show is willing to give him.Â
The show can’t even dress people right. They had Hope dressed up like she was playing Dorothy in a Wizard of Oz porn parody. Not even a porn parody with an actual plot. If you must dress Hope like she’s going to put the oil on the Tin Man everywhere, she should at least look like she’s in a classier production and not in someone’s living room. That isn’t even the only example of someone being dressed like they went into a dark room and just grabbed something. The stylist B&B hired last year is Erica Pelosini, and she doesn’t seem to be able to do the cast justice. She puts these people in clothes that are likely designer and expensive, but just total eyesores. I have the fashion sense of a 22-year-old straight man and even I know ugly when I see it.
The only real bright spot is Carter and Quinn’s affair. It was so satisfying that B&B gave us sex scenes after months of social distancing. This show has wasted Quinn on Papa Smurf, I mean, Eric for years. Before this, the best B&B could do for Quinn is trying to get her BFF Shauna laid with her stepson Ridge. Now they finally let her cheat on her – this close to being an octogenarian – husband. Before you mention Quinn making out with Ridge in 2017, that was just kissing. This time she got penetration multiple times.Â
This story is also good for Carter since it actually gave him something to do. For years, Carter functioned a lot like Justin: the Black man lawyer who just showed up to serve the white people’s stories. The only difference is Carter got to officiate almost every wedding these people had. If someone was getting married in a living room, Carter would likely be there. Carter has probably officiated the wedding of Kelly’s Barbie doll and SpongeBob Squarepants in Steffy’s living room. I don’t think Carter even got paid for any of them. Though thankfully Carter wasn’t the one who married Eric and Quinn in 2016. That was a reverend played by Perez “Targeted Britney Spears for years” Hilton. It would be really awkward to have a flashback to your wedding while bouncing on your side piece.
Will B&B let Quinn and Carter be a couple after the affair is revealed? I’d say it is 50/50. Quinn could either be back with Eric by Thanksgiving or they’ll see the buzz online about Quinn/Carter and actually let them be a couple. I hope it is the latter. This show needs a story that has zero Liam in it long term.Â
Grade for B&B: D+
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qc_HLdCBlw0
Days of our Lives
Days has been a mixed bag for the past six months. We got great stuff like Paulina and Chanel coming into town like wrecking balls, but there was also Kristen running around impersonating multiple people. Kristen had more masks than a Scooby-Doo villain, and it dragged on so long that even people like me who love Kristen wanted a break from her. That said, even head writer Ron Carlivati‘s worst writing can lead to good stuff, like Sami and Lucas rekindling their relationship while her marriage to EJ was on the rocks.Â
Sami and Lucas have a complicated history, including custody battles and Sami almost being executed for a crime that Lucas committed. The last time they were a couple was 2007, so it was a bit of a surprise that the show revisited them, but I’m glad they did. Alison Sweeney and Bryan Datilo still have terrific chemistry and the bickering dynamic Lumi has is a treat. Sami and Lucas being trapped in that room together by Kristen were some of the best scenes of this year thus far. They wisely played all the history they have together to make the rekindled feelings after 14 years make sense. If you play the history and the actors still have chemistry, you can reunite any couple even after a very long time.
All of this led to EJ, played by Dan Feuerrigel, returning to town.. Dan has only been playing EJ for a few weeks, so I’m going to keep an open mind and give him a grace period. He has not dominated the role from day one like Stacy Haiduk did with Kristen and Susan, but I see room to grow. He does play EJ as colder than James Scott did, but after years of being fed through a tube and wrapped up like a mummy, I suppose that would make one a bit chilly. I do buy him as a DiMera, which is the most important thing. If you don’t seem like you’d kidnap someone and put them in a secret room, you have no business playing a DiMera on this show.Â
Unfortunately, Dan does not have chemistry with Alison. It could be a symptom of the writing having EJ and Sami being awkward since the marriage isn’t great, but I don’t see it for them. Even if they had amazing chemistry, the writing is on the wall for Sami to reunite with Lucas. Whenever it is played like a character is talking herself into staying with her husband while longingly holding hands with her ex in a restaurant, the husband is going to be the losing party in that triangle. Sami will likely leave town with Lucas whenever Alison goes to Canada to make another muffin murder movie for Hallmark.
This begs the question, who should the show pair EJ with? They could put him with ex-wife Nicole. She cheated on her husband Eric who is handing out granola bars in Africa with Xander, who once locked her in a cage. Nicole is also jealous of her friend Rafe being with former mobster Ava. I’m all for reuniting EJ and Nicole. It would give her a viable pairing and it would stop me from having to watch Nicole and Rafe talk about a teddy bear named Duke. Whichever writer came up with the idea of them sharing custody of a teddy bear should walk to a mirror right now, say “I’m a dummy!” and slap themselves. This might have been cute if they were 17, but both of them are over 40. If you remember the Challenger explosion, you are too old to be sharing custody of a teddy bear with an adult you don’t have children with.
The other option for EJ is Abby, his brother Chad’s wife. Chad and Abby are on the rocks after he knocked up her half-sister Gwen and she lost the baby. Chad has a tendency to believe the worst in Abby, which makes that pairing very frustrating. Someone could walk up to Chad and tell them Abby was eating babies and he’d believe it. I think it is time to break them up. Abby previously had an affair with EJ when she was broken up with Chad in 2014. It might not work a second time around considering they are both played by different actors now, but I still think the show should test the waters. It would be so messy.Â
Another thing that is wrong with this show is Claire. She just exists to prop up Ben. She has no job or interests besides him. She did briefly date Charlie, but he turned out to be a rapist and was murdered to frame Claire’s mother Belle. They aren’t even going to pair Claire with Ben, even on a temporary basis. It just seems like Claire was Plan B in case they couldn’t work things out with Victoria Konefal, but they did, so Claire is superfluous. So it is no surprise that Days has allegedly fired Isabel Durant after a year in the role. Whenever they do bring Claire back, I hope they have an actual plan for the character. She is the granddaughter of Bo and Hope and John and Marlena. She shouldn’t exist as a talk-to for Salem’s hunky reformed serial killer. She should be driving the story herself.Â
Since Days is a mixed bag, it is difficult to grade it. Some episodes can be a B+ like when Marci Miller acted her butt off when Abby read Gwen for filth. The next day could be a D+ like the mask tomfoolery. I guess I’ll have to go for the middle ground.Â
Grade for Days: C+
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZOz7LcZhLM
General Hospital
It has been a controversial decision for GH to break up almost all of the established couples they have, but I’m all for it. For too long this show insisted on having couples that had no chemistry stay together. Jordan and Curtis got married in 2018 when Brianna Nicole Henry assumed the role of Jordan. Did they have a lick of chemistry then or now? No. Kiki’s cold dead body in the honeymoon bed was hotter than them. The show breaking up Jordan and Curtis was a gift. He has chemistry with Portia, so hopefully they pull the trigger on them becoming a couple soon.
Jason and Sam have been tedious to watch since he returned from wearing diapers for five years in Russia. They used to have chemistry back in the day, but that was gone this time. So when they ended Jasam, it was a blessing for both characters. Sam gets to have a life outside of Jason and his mob drama. I don’t know if I see it for her and Dante yet, but it is a lot more pleasant to watch them together than the alternative.Â
Jason has a lot of chemistry with Britt and the love scene was fire. GH fans know how rare it is for Steve Burton to take his shirt off. I once joked when he was on Y&R that he must have been held at gunpoint to take his shirt off. He and Kelly Thiebaud have really sold me on this pairing and I’m usually someone who ships Jason with a rake going through all of his vital organs. Is the Jason and Britt dynamic a bit derivative of the original Jasam dynamic? Yes. There’s a reason why people on Soap Twitter are calling her Tall Sam. I’m willing to overlook it for chemistry and humping.
I’m less happy about the potential pairing of Elizabeth and Finn. They killed Liz’s husband Franco off a few months ago and I was fine with it. Rebecca Herbst and Roger Howarth did have chemistry, but all of the stories were about Franco. Liz had no point of view at all. She just existed to support Franco. Rebecca also had to carry the load of making Friz a viable romantic pairing since Franco was a serial killer and despised by much of the GH fandom. She’s a miracle worker because she succeeded and Friz did get a following. Now Franco is dead and a similar dynamic is playing out with Finn.Â
Most of Liz’s scenes the past few months have been playing cheerleader to Finn and his drama. Just like Franco, the story isn’t about her. She should have been the one to push Peter down the stairs. Not Finn. Peter murdered her husband! And just like with Friz, she’s doing the heavy lifting selling this Liz/Finn pairing. Michael Easton has never been the heavy in a soap pairing in his life. Even Kelly Monaco was eating him up in the early 2000s on Port Charles. On One Life to Live, when stans were fighting over whether John McBain should be with Natalie or Evangeline, it was more about the women and not that boring man. The only reason Finn has worked even fairly well thus far is Michael woke up 12% more, they gave him more of a personality than his previous doctor character Silas, and he had Finola Hughes to prop him up.Â
I just wish the show respected Rebecca Herbst more. She is one of the most popular actors on this show, and they treat Liz like she’s a C-list character and Captain Save a Hoe for whatever mediocre man they want to make more relevant. Have we ever met Liz’s mom? Nope. Meanwhile, we’ve met Willow’s mom and she’s just been around a few years. It is shameful.Â
Moving on from that rant, the best story on the show is Maxie giving Brook Lynn her baby to protect her from Peter, not knowing he’s dead. It is so soapy! Kirsten Storms should win a Daytime Emmy next year. Hopefully she’ll submit in Lead Actress because she is not supporting. She gave a masterful performance laying into Peter when Maxie was lying that Fake Chloe took off with baby Louise. Before this, my favorite Maxie was Jen Lilley from her year on the show when Kirsten had health issues. Kirsten has now firmly cemented her place as the definitive Maxie.Â
This story has so much potential. Valentin is raising a baby thinking it is his while Maxie longs for her child, not knowing there’s no reason for her to be separated from her. This is the kind of mess I want from soaps. Hopefully they’ll milk it just long enough for the climax of the story to be dramatic. A year tops. Anything more would be too long.Â
Even with my quibbles, like the treatment of Liz and Carly being on almost every damn day, GH is the best soap right now. I’m excited to watch every episode. If you had told me I’d find GH to be the most enjoyable soap a year ago, I would have tried to get you to see a shrink for your mental breakdown. Hopefully they keep it up and I’m not reading them for filth in December.Â
Grade for GH: B+
The Young and the Restless
It’s a testament to the strength and charisma of the cast of Y&R that the show remains watchable even with abysmal, boring writing. Head writer Josh Griffith has told two stories about men who died decades ago that fans never met in a row. Why should I care? There’s no emotional pull there. You could tell stories with characters that are still living, like Nikki who has been reduced to a glorified day player under Josh’s tenure, but that would make too much sense. What’s next? When Nick was at boarding school, did a kid die during a tragic game of hide and seek? Mariah’s bestie at the cult drank Pepsi with pop rocks and died? Did Kevin kill old ladies with a flame thrower as a tween? Okay, that one might be plausible.
It is frustrating because Y&R has all the ingredients to be great, but it is just a mess. Sally should have been brought on to be the new grasping woman, a la Jill in the 80’s. They could have had her seduce Noah and try to use him to become a power player. Instead, she started a counterproductive feud with Summer and then acted like a victim. Sally has burnt so many bridges in such a short time that it’s hard to imagine her sticking around a full year. She hasn’t been integrated into the canvas at all. It is a shame because Courtney Hope is very talented, but she’s likely going to be fired for the third time as Sally.Â
The next affront to soaps is the Tara story. It was a good idea to give Kyle a kid from his time offscreen, but the execution has been way off. Tara should have been cast with a stronger actress and since Josh is co-executive producer, the blame does fall on him, EP Anthony Morina, and the casting director for that. Tara has become more watchable since they decided to make her a nutjob who made Summer leave town so she can have Kyle all to herself, but it is still bad. Michael Mealor and Hunter King have done good work, but even they can’t save it. When your story centers around the idea that a man who was cuckolded is the real villain, it is unsalvageable.
The only positives I have are the show teasing Sharon and Adam and giving them a bunch of screen time this year and making Chelsea nuts. I wish Y&R would just go there with Shadam, but I’ll take my scraps and hope for more. Chelsea works much better as a woman poisoning a cop than she does a heroine. I hope that direction continues because Chelsea as a villain could be used to spice this show up.Â
I used to have hoped Josh Griffith would get fired, but after that Best Writing win at the Daytime Emmys, we are stuck with him. Let me go scream into a pillow.Â
Grade for Y&R: D-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zHKFm2zx1q4
Dispatches from Soap Land:
*I would like it to be noted that Genie Francis has never written her lines on her hand, unlike someone who is allegedly the star of GH.
*Since it looks like Y&R is going to have vacancies in the young cast, now is the time to recast Noah. I like Robert Adamson, but they are very rarely interested in writing for his Noah. Time for a 28 to 32-year-old actor to be a clean slate in the role.
*If Days has Chanel in a triangle with twins who are half-siblings Johnny and Allie, I’m all for it. A brother and sister fighting over a woman is the kind of trash I want.
