It is a new year and that means a new year of bitching about soaps with some praise thrown in when deserved. I’ve made a list of five things I want from each soap. I’m a realist, so I don’t expect to get everything I want. I’d be happy if just one of these things happened.
The Bold and the Beautiful
1. No More Living Room Weddings: I don’t know one B&B fan who likes living room weddings. The couples are already paper-thin, so having them get married in a living room just adds to the “five-year-old having a wedding for her dolls” vibe. Shit, Steffy didn’t file her marriage license so legally her marriage is about as valid as Kelly marrying her Barbie to Buzz Lightyear. It just doesn’t feel special.
B&B is the most-watched soap in the world. They have the money to build a church set. If you are thinking “Alan, none of these characters are religious!”, non-religious people get married in churches all the time. It is an affordable venue considering a lot of the time you just have to make a donation to the church to book it. If I have to see people who just started dating get married, at least don’t have it in the same room as where Eric takes his various medications and eats plain oatmeal. Stop being so cheap, Brad Bell.
2. Settle on a Love Interest for Carter: His affair with Quinn was hot, but then they ruined it by having limp dick Eric decree that Carter should be an outsourced dick for him, and it was racist as hell. Now he’s kissing Paris because Brad looked at them and thought “She’s Black. He’s Black. That’s enough for me!” Carter is 40 fucking years old and Paris is in her 20’s. I don’t mind an age difference relationship, but you have to acknowledge that her tongue is in the mouth of a man old enough to be her father.
They chem tested Carter with Katie, having them over being losers in love, but that hasn’t gone anywhere. She would be a better option than Paris. There is the possibility that Katie’s head would fall off if Carter fucked her up against the wall, but at least she would die happy. The woman is Mrs. Potatohead. I think they should just go with it and hopefully the duct tape and hot glue keeping her body together can withstand it.
3. Scott Clifton Trying in Scenes: I get that Liam is the worst character ever, but when I turn on the show and see Scott looking like he’d rather be at home watching Love It or List It, I get pissed. You are watched by millions of people around the world, sir. Try to look like you are engaged and not like you want to be watching David Visentin find a midcentury modern house for a family of five that is under budget and better than the renovation Hilary Farr is doing on their home. HGTV will be there when you get home, and you can watch a husband demand a man cave because he wants to spend as little time with his family as possible. You are at work. Be engaged in scenes.
4. Bring Jack Back: It seems like this show has forgotten that Brooke has a biological son that Taylor gave birth to in a mishap. Why not use that? It is a slam dunk for drama. Neither one of those women knew Jack’s favorite film or what he was good at in school because they didn’t raise him. B&B could use a Kendall Hart-type story. Jack should be just as slutty as Brooke and out for revenge against the mothers who didn’t want him. Jack is the most wronged by Brooke’s character in the history of the show, and that’s saying something when she slept with her daughter Bridget’s husband Deacon.
5. Kill Bill: If Brad Bell has no interest in writing for Bill anymore, just kill him off and let Don Diamont go. All Bill has done in the past two years is try to get back with Katie offscreen and make things worse with Vinny’s insulting suicide story and that’s it. He has no relevance to the show and if they aren’t going to use him, free up the money for a character they’ll actually use. He had a good run and it should be over now.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D58RfbGvfnw
Days of Our Lives:
1. Actually Research the History of Returning Characters: I can’t believe I have to request this of a head writer who has been a head writer as long as Ron Carlivati has been, but it has come to this. The return of Nancy and Craig has been a shit show. He’s taken a scheming couple who loved each other and turned Nancy into an insecure woman and Craig into a secret homo. It plays like Ron did a Google search and saw them and thought “Oh, she’s so frumpy! No way would he ever want her. He should be gay and having sex with my Leo!” This is especially bad because I know damn well that Ryan Quan and Jamey Giddens know those characters and could give Ron a detailed PowerPoint presentation, but that man glanced at Wikipedia and was like “Kevin Spirtas is gay, so Craig should be a cock fiend. Homophobes will be mad, but I don’t think anyone actually cares about Craig and Nancy!”
If that was Ron’s thinking when writing this story, he was wrong. Craig and Nancy were one of the few hot guy and plus-sized woman pairings in soap history. Soaps are a women’s genre. There are women in the audience who look more like Nancy than they do Ciara. People are going to be pissed when you make it retroactively that he was thinking of Brendan Fraser in George of the Jungle during sex with Nancy. Craig did love and desire Nancy and now that’s ruined. I am not looking forward to Leo swishing in and saying things along the lines of “Nancy, you are so frumpy! How could Craig ever get hard for you? Why don’t you just kill yourself, frumpster? Chloe, your daddy calls me daddy now. I’m a top. It is important for you, the daughter of the man I’m fucking, to know that.”
I do think a big factor in this mess happening is the fact that Ron isn’t a Days fan. He doesn’t have the same emotional attachment to the show that he did to One Life to Live and General Hospital. An outsider coming onto a show can be a good thing since they have fresh eyes and Ron has made good contributions to the show, but this is a blight on his record. I expect more from a man who loves soap history.
2. Bring Brandon Back for a Visit: It is ridiculous that Abe’s son Brandon hasn’t been in Salem since 2005. I know Matt Cedeno is busy, but I think they could get him for an episode or two. If not, recast. I know this wish is directly underneath another where I just read Ron for filth for not doing research about returning characters, but I doubt they’d have Brandon long enough for Ron to make Brandon into a serial killer drag queen who death drops after every murder. I am not against a serial killer drag queen story, but I wouldn’t want it to be Brandon. Create a new character to play Ima Sleigh, Ron.
3. Bring on a New Twenty-Something Woman: It is ridiculous that Johnny’s romantic options are Chanel, who just had sex with his twin sister, or Gabi, who has taken backshots from three of Johnny’s uncles. Because other than that, his options are incest like Carson Boatman said himself in his interview with TV Source’s Coryon Gray. He should have another option. Bring on Nancy and Craig’s daughter Joy or create a new character. Johnny is too sexy to have so few options for boinking.
4. Put EJ with Belle: I think the show is going to go there, but I’m still putting it on my list. Dan Feurerrigel and Martha Madison have excellent chemistry. They can’t pair with EJ with Sami long-term because Alison Sweeney has her muffin murder movies she has to film in Canada. Nicole is all up on Rafe’s nuts because this show insists on him still being a thing. Belle is the best option for EJ. She’s been stable with Shawn for too long and we all know Belle loves cock. It is time for my girl to feel some new girth. The fact that it would be her sister’s ex just makes it better. Sami tried to sell Belle on the black market when she was born. It is only fair that Belle should experience the power of DiMera peen. Though she had better be on the pill because if EJ is anything like his father, he’d view a condom as an insult to the glory of his dick.
5. Stop Using Eileen Davidson: Stacy Haiduk has been hailed as one of the best recasts of all time by many people. She’s a powerhouse actress. Days doesn’t need to use Eileen in scenes with Satan shapeshifting or as Kristen in the Peacock specials. I know what some of you are going to say. “Alan, they have to get as many eyeballs as possible! People know Eileen from Real Housewives! It is for marketing!” That’s bullshit. People watching a Christmas special of a soap on a fledgling streaming service are going to primarily be people who watch the main show. The same people who have been watching Stacy play this character since 2018.
There’s no way this hasn’t hurt Stacy’s feelings. She’s been incredibly gracious about this fuckery, but it has to hurt to have your predecessor asked back for scenes and films after you’ve spent years making the role your own. They didn’t even give her a warning about this. She had to call them up and ask if she still had a job. The whole thing is rude and unprofessional. Stacy does not deserve to be treated like this.
General Hospital
1. Stop Having the Same Conversation: I get that soaps have to fill five days a week year-round, but it is so tedious to watch scenes where people are having the same conversation multiple times. I’ve had to watch Sonny and Carly have the same conversation about their marriage and then Sonny and Dante talk about it. If it feels like you could cut and paste dialogue from one script into another script, that’s terrible. Move the story forward. No one is watching for repetitive scripts.
2. Recast Nikolas: I liked Marcus Coloma when he first started, but now he plays Nikolas like a dead fish. A pretty dead fish, but still a dead fish. Nicholas Chavez, who plays Nikolas’ son Spencer, is eating him up in every scene, and it is his first professional job! Marcus has been acting for 20 years. He should not just be standing there with a herp derp look on his face while everyone else around him does the heavy lifting in scenes.
GH can do better than this. There are so many over 40 actors in LA who could play Nikolas and wouldn’t be an embarrassment to the profession of acting. Let’s get auditions going again. Given the COVID situation, I don’t think Maura West would be able to kiss 27 guys again, but they can audition without kissing. Let’s just get someone better in there.
3. Recast Lucky: It is insane that he’s been gone for over a decade. It is time for him to return to Port Charles permanently. There are fans that always get mad at me when I say it is time to recast Lucky, but it is beyond time. His father just died. His mother is in town with only a Chippendales son as her closest blood tie. Lucky’s son Aiden is middle school age now. Just cast him.
There’s story potential in bringing Lucky back. Liz, Cameron and Aiden all have to read him for being a deadbeat dad. They could tell a story about what he’s been up to that wasn’t just crying in Africa. Call up Jeff Branson and let’s get it moving, Frank Valentini. That’s an impulse buy I’d approve of. If you must treat casting like you are shopping at Target, let’s get a good actor playing a legacy character.
4. Bring back Jeff Webber and Cast Liz’s Mother: They keep on bringing up Liz’s parents. It is time to shit or get off the pot. We’ve been asking for this for over 20 years. It is 2022 now. It is ridiculous that I know what Brando’s mother looks like and not Elizabeth fucking Webber. Tell a story about how Elizabeth’s parents not giving a shit about her has impacted her and actually have them present for it. It writes itself.
5. A Black Woman as Head Writer or Associate Head Writer: I am a person who has advocated for more messy behavior with the teens, but the optics of Trina drugged in the other room and no one thinking to check on her because they were too busy fucking is bad. I don’t care how much you want the dick. If your friend is in a bad way, you check on them and give them some water and make sure they are still breathing. Then you hop on the dick once you are assured nothing bad has happened.
If they had a Black woman in a higher-level position in this show, they could write a story that is still messy, but doesn’t have Soap Twitter side-eying GH. Generally speaking, white guys don’t think about stuff like that and all current soap head writers are white guys. I think that is something that should change.
The Young and the Restless
1. New Head Writer and Executive Producer: I know that when a show is this embarrassingly bad, there are people to blame that aren’t just the head writer and executive producer. There’s the network and the studio Sony fucking things up as well. Though, the things that were in Josh and Tony’s control suck. I doubt CBS told Josh to write excessively about man pain and tell a million stories about people who died 30 years ago that we never met. The show doesn’t look great and that’s on Tony. I know the budget got cut, but Frank Valentini is able to make GH look great and have set variety with the budget they have. What is Tony’s excuse?
It is time for a change. I’m tired of talking about how bad this show is. I want to like it, but they aren’t giving me anything to like. It is exhausting. Watching a TV show should not feel like a chore, but lately my enthusiasm for watching Y&R is the same amount of enthusiasm I’d have for scrubbing a toilet.
2. End Sharon and Rey’s Marriage: It is just painful to watch. They don’t even like each other anymore. Put Rey with Chelsea or kill him off. Put Sharon with Nick since it is about the time for their every-few-years reunion. Let’s give Sharon something to do other than pour coffee. Sharon Case is too talented and deserves better than this. I’m fed up with it.
3. Stop Having Noah Obsessed with a Lesbian: Noah is the son of Sharon and Nick. He deserves better than to be obsessed with Tessa, the lesbian who scammed him and is engaged to his sister. He could be having a younger man/older woman affair with Lauren. He could be mixing it up with Imani. Yet this show hired sexy Rory Gibson and decided Noah should be panting over a woman who canonically does not want dick. I am furious about this. It is not cute. It is not funny. If Tessa were bi and still had feelings for Noah, you could do a story with that, but they said she was gay. Stop it.
4. Bring on a Psycho from the Past: Y&R desperately needs a villain. I’d like for a psycho like Tricia Dennison to terrorize Victoria and the Newman family. There’s always Patty, but the show would have to recast since Stacy Haiduk is employed by the ingrates at Days. I’d even take shitty Daisy Carter back at this point for drama. She is the biological mother of Phyllis’ granddaughter Lucy. If Daniel and Lucy returned to Genoa City, they could have Daisy pop back in and scheme to get into Lucy’s life. Bring on some drama that lasts more than two weeks.
5. A Long Story: It feels stupid to have to ask for a long story on a daytime soap, but it has come to this. It feels like the show is written week by week. I know network notes are likely a factor in this, but it is so stupid. Even with my problems with the other shows, they clearly have a bit of a long story planned. Y&R can start a story on a Tuesday and it can be over by the next week with no point, like Billy faking a breakdown. Would a three-month plan be too much to ask?! I’ve seen fanfics with better story arcs and planning than this soap opera that is broadcast to three million people a day.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBIlmnJnG7Q
Dispatches From Soap Land
*Blind item: You might think this former soap star who exited in 2021 left of their own accord, but they were fired.
*Don’t give any of the GH teens any problems because you are upset about the cabin story. They don’t write the show. Focus on the people in decision-making positions.
*Since Tripp and Allie on Days are getting engaged, I hope JoDevil reveals Allie and Chanel were sitting on each other’s faces at the wedding. Though I do feel slightly bad for Tripp. He’s perpetually used as the Raisin Bran option in pairings. Is the sex mediocre with him? Because a few years ago, he lost out to a serial killer. Your dick game must be subpar if she’d rather risk it with a man who shot a woman and strangled another two to death.
