Alan’s Soap Box: Focusing on the Positives of Every Daytime Soap

Soap fans have a tendency to focus on what they are hating on a soap and not what they are enjoying. Readers know I’m guilty of this as well. It is natural to focus on things like Billy’s self-indulgent podcast on Y&R or GH having a story about adults arguing about who gets to see a booger-eating four-year-old boy. I’m going to fight that inclination this month and focus on the good things. I can always be a bitch next month as God intended!

The Bold and the Beautiful

Brad Bell Subverted Expectations

Every head writer has a wheelhouse so you generally know what to expect from them. Ron Carlivati is known for umbrella stories and ill-advised rapey shit no one but him likes. Josh Griffith is known for dark stories and man pain. Chris Van Etten and Dan O’Connor are known for retcon family members and unsatisfying climaxes. Brad Bell is known for making love triangles centered around a majestic dick and discarding new characters when he gets bored with them. Brad’s habit is so well-known that when B&B adds a new character, fans start speculating how long they’ll last. This made it very easy to believe Finn was dead when his biological mother Sheila shot him two months ago.

Yet Finn wasn’t dead. It was the plan all along for him to be alive. It is so rare for a soap to be able to keep something like that under the wraps these days. This means Brad does see value in keeping the character for now and not just playing out the triangle from hell until we all die from heat death. This doesn’t mean Steffy won’t ever fuck Liam again. B&B fans must always be on high alert from the threat of Liam’s penis. For now let’s just take this win.

B&B Actor Who Deserves a Pizza Party

Naomi Matsuda. Other B&B actors have been doing stellar work lately like Krista Allen and Kimberlin Brown, but I’m giving it to Naomi for that moment when Li looked at Liam with such contempt and disgust that it was breathtaking. Naomi is so good that I think she could be a permanent fixture if the show would invest in her. I remember when the show introduced Quinn and what a shot in the arm she was, and I think Li could perform a similar function.

Li blaming the Forresters for her son’s condition makes sense. Sheila knew where Finn was for years. She chose to show up the day he was marrying into the Forrester family. If he had married Mindy Stizner from Sacramento, I doubt Sheila would have made the trip.

Thorsten Kaye Is Awake

Thorsten has a habit of looking like he’s thinking about spinning around Maria von Trapp style in Europe when he should be acting. Lately though he’s been engaged in scenes and not going through the motions. He particularly pops in scenes with Krista Allen. He just clicks with her in a way that he doesn’t with Katherine Kelly Lang.

I know it is bitchy to bring up an actor’s phoning-it-in habit in an article that is supposed to be about positivity, but it is a good thing when a checked out actor wakes up. It would be nice to have this energy year-round and not just spurts of it in between “I’m just here so I can afford Uber Eats multiple times a month” acting.

Brooke Confronting Sheila

Brad Bell has a tendency of writing Brooke as weak which goes against the history of the character. Thankfully that writing wasn’t present when Brooke confronted Sheila for pushing her off the wagon months ago. She didn’t cower or start weeping. She was triumphant as she laid into Sheila for being the scum of the earth. I want more of this and no more pity-party Brooke. It doesn’t fit the character, and it is tedious to watch.

Days of Our Lives

Chanel Is The Most Desired Woman In Salem

In the history of triangles centered around a woman, it is usually a white woman in the middle of two men competing for her affections. It is fairly rare for it to be a Black woman at the center of a triangle. It might be a U.S. daytime first for a Black woman to be in a triangle with a man and a woman. And now that the tediousness of Plot Device Satan is over, the triangle can really get going.

Johnny/Chanel/Allie is the rare soap triangle where both sides have rooting value and the narrative isn’t painting Johnny or Allie as the Raisin Bran option. It is very refreshing in an age where a soap will beat you over the head about which side will win. Either one could be the victor, or it could be a B&B thing where Chanel will be with Johnny for a year and then move on to Allie like Chanel’s vagina is something the twins have to take turns with.

I just hope the rest of it is pure soapiness and character driven. A woman torn between a brother and sister is inherently soapy. You don’t need Satan or anything else to make that interesting. Sometimes less is more.

Days Actors Who Deserve a Pizza Party

Martha Madison and Dan Feurriegel. That kiss on Friday’s episode was hot and they deserve a pizza party because of it. The friendship/flirtation between Belle and EJ has been building for months, and it has finally paid off. Slutty Belle is the best Belle, and I’m so happy Ron Carlivati is making her more prominent. Ever since Belle returned in 2015, she’s been treated as a C character. She’s the daughter of John and Marlena, so it is the right move to make her a lead like she was in the 2000’s.

A romance between EJ and Belle is the type of shit I love. Belle is EJ’s former sister-in-law. Her parents rightly hate EJ’s guts for his various nefarious deeds. Belle is separated from her idiot husband Shawn who moved the psycho who raped him into their house. It is messy as hell for them to get involved, which is why they should.

I want EJ and Belle to be a couple for at least a year. He needs a stable pairing. It can’t be Sami because Alison Sweeney has her muffin murder movies to film in Canada. His former affair partner Abigail is about to be deceased for an unspecified amount of time. Ava is making macaroni salad for Jake. Sarah already has a sociopathic dick to manage. Gwen needs to be paired with a man with morals if they want to salvage her. Belle is the best option.

I know the show’s instinct will be to put Belle and Shawn back together in three to six months, but they should resist that. They are due for a lengthy breakup and they are too young to be the “stay together forever” type of endgame. That is for couples that are in the AARP age group. Fortysomethings have to fuck.

General Hospital

Chris Van Etten & Dan O’Connor Learned How To Count

For months, characters have been screaming that Nina kept Sonny away from his family for nine months. Recently they had Sonny acknowledge it was six months since Nina didn’t see Sonny in Nixon Falls until he had already been there for three months. I am grateful that they used the real number. I don’t know how they came to the correct number. Did they hire a mathematician? Count jelly beans? Have nine monkeys jumping on a bed and subtracting three to get six? It doesn’t matter. Math is hard and I’m happy they put the effort in to learn that nine and six are different numbers. Cheers to Chris and Dan!

GH Is The Best Looking Soap

Even when the writing is underwhelming, GH hands down looks the best of the four soaps. The sets are spacious and well-lit. It doesn’t look like someone forgot to pay the electric bill or like Walmart lighting. People have homes. They even have a pool set so men can have a Fast Times at Ridgemont High moment getting out of the water to be objectified as they should. God bless Frank Valentini.

GH Actor Who Deserves a Pizza Party

Tabyana Ali. It has been a very smooth transition from Sydney Mikayla to Tabyana. She fits in like she’s always been playing the character when she’s only been there for three months. She has chemistry with everyone, including Nicholas Chavez and the man playing Rory. Recasts can derail a pairing, so Sprina fans are thrilled this has gone so well.

Spencer/Trina/Rory is another rare triangle with a Black woman at the center, but unlike the triangle on Days, it is obvious Spencer will win in the end. It isn’t just because Spencer is a legacy character, although that is a factor. There’s a stronger narrative for Sprina. The rich and spoiled man earns the love and affection of a woman who is too good for him. That’s why they have to play out Trina dating Rory. Spencer has to earn a relationship with Trina, and he hasn’t yet.

Rory is nice, but he’s not going to be her great first love. He’s a starter boyfriend. The one you practice with until you are ready to move on. Whether or not Rory has a place on the canvas at the conclusion of this arc is entirely dependent on if there’s a woman GH thinks he should be with after this. If there isn’t, he’ll join the list of discarded characters who lost a love triangle.

The Young and the Restless

Baby Come Back

Y&R is straight up begging for viewers and I love that for us. They’ve brought Diane and Kyle back, recast Summer, gave Jack an Asian granddaughter, and gave Tessa and Mariah a ’70s themed wedding. A soap doing this much is tantamount to admitting the show has sucked and they’ll do better by us like they are a shitty boyfriend who realized they took us for granted.

I do appreciate the effort. They’ve even discarded a dead weight character like Rey, which has given Sharon Case excellent material to play. This also opens the door to a potential reunion with Nick. It isn’t lost on me that they’ve shared a lot of scenes together recently and they are both now available. The 50th anniversary is coming up and a Shick wedding would be a fan pleasing event.

Sink or Swim

Normally, a recast only has to interact with a few people when they are introduced. Allison Lanier had to be in a big wedding with 70% of the cast on her first day. Then they had her do a love scene on her third episode. Some new actors have to wait a year to get a love scene, but not Allison. Her introduction as Summer was the definition of a sink or swim situation and she swam.

I think Allison did research because she had the vibe of Summer without copying Hunter King. Some actors try to have the mannerisms of the previous actor, like Trevor St. John when he took on the role of Todd on One Life to Live. Allison’s approach is more projecting the essence of the character. Summer will still cut a bitch, but taking on the mother role in Harrison’s life has matured her.

This is even more impressive when you consider this is Allison’s first time on a soap. Y&R has done a good job casting actors with no soap experience like Allison and Rory Gibson lately. Kudos to casting director Nancy Nayor for these finds.

Forthcoming Newman/Abbott Fornication

Noah hasn’t really had much to do since returning to Genoa City. He’s moped around about his lesbian ex who dated him as a meal ticket five years ago and dated day-players. Not really the material you expect for a character who should be a young leading man. Thankfully he now has a love interest in Allie and he can stop being written like a floater character.

Rory Gibson and Kelsey Wang do have chemistry. Now they just need to be written as a full blown romance. None of that Faith and Moses shit where they just talk about what they want to do with their lives. Give us drama. Give us sex. I don’t want to feel like I’m listening to someone talk to a high school guidance counselor on a goddamn soap opera.

Y&R Actor Who Deserves a Pizza Party

Susan Walters. Sometimes bringing back an actor from the past can reinvigorate a show and Susan’s return as Diane has done that for Y&R. You can tell the cast is happy to have her back and giving them drama to play. Diane and Nikki slapping the shit out of each other in Crimson Lights put a smile on my face. Phyllis having an actual rival has done wonders for her character. The older women of Genoa City are out for blood and I’m here for it.

I’m dead serious about Susan deserving a pizza party. I know a bunch of people who have started watching again for her. Give her a pizza party. If she wants buffalo wings, fetch Susan Walters some fucking buffalo wings. She’s worth it. Throw in some mozzarella sticks as well for having chemistry with Robert Newman.

*Ron is trolling us with Duke The Bear 2.0 and I can’t even be mad at it now. I have to respect being this petty and self-indulgent.

*I’m glad they talked about Michael killing Claudia on GH during the family court trial. I know she kidnapped his pregnant mother, but hitting her with an axe at first sight did seem excessive.

*I’m glad people are treating Ashland on Y&R how he deserves for faking cancer. Sometimes soaps have to minimize terrible deeds just so everyone can keep coexisting, but telling your child, even if he’s not biologically yours, that you have cancer when you don’t is disgusting. If someone did that in real life, they would be getting yelled at in coffee shops like Ashland is.