As the year is halfway over, it is time to assess the soaps. Unfortunately, 2023 has not been great so far. Lots of questionable decisions and bad writing have been happening. Will any soap get a grade higher than a D? You’ll have to read to find out.
Hope For The Future of Adultery
After years of waiting, it has finally happened. Hope has finally cheated on that scoundrel Liam. Hope kissed Thomas in Rome and Liam had the face crack of the century. It was delicious karma for that serial cheater to get a taste of his own medicine from the woman he never thought would betray him.
How did Liam react to Hope kissing another man? Did he reflect on his own actions and realize he couldn’t judge Hope? Of course not! He did what he always does and kissed Steffy, who is happily married. He’s been using her as his unpaid therapist for months whining about Hope working with Thomas and now he’s causing problems for her. Liam is one of the most selfish soap characters of all time.
Annika Noelle and Scott Clifton both did well in the scenes where Liam confronted Hope about the kiss. Though I wish Hope had thrown Liam’s actions in his face. I remember when Liam was sticking his tongue down Steffy’s mouth on the beach 12 years ago when Liam was engaged to Hope and the show acted like it wasn’t cheating. I remember Liam seeing Thomas kiss a mannequin and proceeding right over to Steffy’s house to bang her. Liam is not a victim.
Ridge Loves A Hole
Brooke and Ridge reunited for the 437th time during the location shoot in Rome. This time Ridge looked through a keyhole that was some sort of symbol of love and saw Brooke. This would have been cute if it were literally any other pairing. I just don’t care anymore about this couple. It isn’t just that Thorsten Kaye and Katherine Kelly Lang only have chemistry when Ridge and Brooke are fighting. It is because I know in six months Thomas will put onions on Ridge’s sandwich and frame Brooke for it and Ridge will start humping Taylor’s leg while proclaiming he’s over Brooke. Then he’ll find out Thomas was behind Onion Gate and the cycle will repeat itself. Why the fuck would I be excited about watching that?
Daddy, Can You Please Deep Dick Mommy?
What is with Brad Bell’s unhinged obsession with characters wanting their parents to fuck? It would be one thing if they explored the pathos with that mentality and presented it as deeply weird and unhealthy. Yet they’ll never do that. RJ has been back for a few months now and all he’s done is shown off his gym progress and wants his parents to bang. He should be the young stud of the show concentrating on his own sex life, Brad Bell. No 23-year-old man with abs concerns himself with the goings on of his mother’s vagina, Brad Bell. Stop it.
Grade for B&B: D
Anyone Still Watching Days Is A Hero
I’ve literally only seen one person on my Twitter timeline happy with Days right now. Since there are fans who are Mary Sunshine types who could find the bright side of anything, that’s bad. A year ago, if you said you wanted head writer Ron Carlivati fired, you’d get people fretting over Dena Higley being hired and ruining our lovely picnic. If you tweeted that now, the angry villagers would high five you with the hand not holding a torch.
I think the breaking point was the botched return of Bo and Hope where he was shot by his son Shawn and ended up in a coma. It wasn’t Ron’s original pitch according to former breakdown writer Jamey Giddens, but that is a small comfort since the rest of the show is abysmal. The show was bad before Bo and Hope returned so we were hoping the show would be on fire when it happened. Then we got that abomination of a story and our hopes were dashed and there hasn’t been anything that made up for that fuckery since it aired.
I don’t blame Ron for everything though. He wasn’t responsible for the Bo and Hope shit show and I don’t think he’s the one who wanted to hire Steve Burton. Ron has his faults, but I doubt he’s the one who pitched hiring an expensive actor with limited range who was fired from another soap for refusing to get vaccinated. That was likely a decision made by Ken Corday or Albert Alarr or even a Peacock executive with the mistaken idea that soap fans jump from one soap to another if they hire an actor. That usually isn’t the case. In the final years of Santa Barbara they hired big name actors to try to prop the show up and it failed. The answer to getting people to watch a soap is by making it good.
Bad Romance
Part of the reason why Days is turning off fans is the state of romance on the show. The show’s bread and butter has always been romance. The show grabbed attention in the 70’s with the romance of Doug and Julie and continued into the ‘80s with couples like Bo and Hope and Steve and Kayla. What do we have in 2023? Well, we have bubble butt Chad replacing his dead wife with her cousin. There’s an unnecessary retcon character Gwen being romanced by a retcon DiMera. 50 year old Eric banging 30 year old Sloan for some reason. Wendy is in a very annoying triangle with Johnny and Tripp. There’s Xander and Chloe who do have chemistry, but that’s a stop gap pairing. And we had Chanel kissing a woman who was ordered to by her evil white boyfriend. Terrible!
Maybe some of these pairings would be good if they were structured better. Ron has always been a plot driven writer since his One Life To Live days. Yet in the past there would be enough attention to character to balance his plottiness out. Now he rushes from Point A to Point B. There’s a chance fans could have gotten behind Chad and Stephanie as a pairing if it didn’t feel like he was rushing another woman to mother his children and blow him. Widowers do statistically move on fast, but the show didn’t do anyone any favors with this story.
Hopefully the rest of the year will improve on this front. A show that is reliant on couples has to do better. Give fans the kind of content that will make nipples hard and create buzz. Otherwise the Peacock numbers will continue to go down.
A Monkey In A Chanel Suit Could Run DiMera Enterprises
Days is not a business soap. In the past, there have been decent business stories, but it was never the main focus of the show. Fans don’t care about who runs Titan or DiMera Enterprises. These companies started as mob fronts which is why it is so ridiculous that Ron has spent years doing musical chairs with the CEO position with both companies. The DiMeras are not the Newman family. They are sociopathic weirdos who shouldn’t care this much about a fake company. All of this dialogue about the family legacy and Stefano building the company like he’s Victor Newman is maddening.
Maggie running Titan and talking about taking on DiMera Enterprises is equally stupid. This woman’s only business experience is setting the price point for a plate of chicken alfredo. Maggie is the auntie character that gives out cookies and advice. I appreciate the idea of giving her a function beyond that, but the character wasn’t designed for this. She’s meant to be in other people’s business, not in the business world.
Ron isn’t even good at business stories. The only great business story he’s ever done in his years writing soaps was Dorian on OLTL taking over Buchanan Enterprises in a fabulous hat and Clint strangling her as Nash fell through a skylight during a scuffle with Jared. That was good soap opera. No one is particularly interested in watching “Muahaha. I shall run DiMera Enterprises and make Father proud!” scenes. Give it up.
Abe’s Brain Must Be Soup By Now
What is with Ron’s obsession with Abe getting hit over the head? It happened last year when Paulina’s abusive ex came to town and this year when Colin bashed his brains in and now he has amnesia. Can we think of stories for Abe that don’t involve hospitalization? I’m sure James Reynolds appreciates when he gets a story, but let’s give Abe a break from it. It is getting absurd.
Not to mention this is the fourth fake death of a senior citizen on Days this year. Five if you count Kate’s two fake deaths. You don’t do these types of things with old actors because they very well could die tomorrow. Then you shot the emotional wad over a fake death and diminish the impact of the real one.
Grade for Days: An F is so fat it should get a show on TLC.
Ned Quartermaine Is Now Sasha Fierce, I Mean Eddie Maine
A soap character learning a secret and then getting amnesia or going into a coma is classic soap. If Ned falling into that pool after finding out Nina had sicced the SEC on Carly and Drew had led to traditional amnesia, it would have been fine. Yet head writers Chris Van Etten and Dan O’Connor tried to be slick and twist it. Ned woke up thinking he was Eddie Maine, Ned’s 90’s rock star alter ego. Eddie knows it is 2023, but somehow doesn’t know his family or his ex-wife Lois. This is stupid as fuck.
To make it a dumb as shit story even stupider, they have Eddie living with Sonny and Nina for some reason. I guess Sonny gets off on housing amnesiac Quartermaines. It would be one thing if this Eddie Maine story was leading to a return arc for Lois or his marriage to Olivia ending, but it is just in service of Nina inevitably getting dragged when it comes out she dared to report people who committed a crime.
Some people think Ned is faking it. To what end? If Ned had his memories, he could go right to Carly and tell her all about it and she’d believe him. Ned could tell Carly that Nina was the Zodiac Killer and Carly would be like “I knew it!” So even if there’s a twist to this insipid story, it is still dumb.
Drew Loves Carly’s Pussy More Than He Loves His Daughter
Remember when Cameron Mathison first started as Drew and we liked him? That was nice, but short lived. Now Drew is just Ryan Lavery as a Carly sycophant who is willing to go to prison for her. That daughter he was so desperate to get back to when Victor had him imprisoned? Eh, Scout has Dante and Doc McStuffins to be her father! Making sure Carly doesn’t have to fuck up her beautiful hair in prison is clearly more important. Drew could get shanked in prison and I’d cry tears of joy.
I also have a problem with Sam being so nice to Carly about this. Her daughter’s father went to prison to protect a woman who didn’t know insider trading was illegal. Sam should be reading her for filth. Instead she’s overly sympathetic. I miss when GH would actually let other characters tell Carly about herself. Instead we have to pretend like she’s a misunderstood heroine.
Frank Valentini, You Need To Beg Jane Elliot To Stay
Tracy is one of the few bright spots on GH. They have to convince Jane Elliot to sign a long contract. Give her vacations like Genie Francis and Finola Hughes. Give her foot rubs yourself, Frank. Let Deidre Hall come onto set in her flannel shirts and do Jane’s hair. I don’t care. Make it happen! She’s worth it.
Stop Talking About The Baby And Fuck Already!
Two years ago, Trina met Spencer. They are a popular pairing, but the clock is ticking on Nicholas Chavez’s contract which will be up next year. He’s already booked a Ryan Murphy series on Netflix. There’s no way he’s sticking around GH after working with Ryan Murphy as a lead. Yet the show is taking their sweet ass time with Sprina. I understand slow burn, but it has been two years and the water is just lukewarm. It is insane.
I don’t understand the need to insert Esme and the baby with a romance novel name as a wedge between Spencer and Trina. Esme drugged Trina, committed a sex crime against Cameron and Josslyn and framed Trina for it. Just because Spencer is Ace’s brother does not mean he needs to live with the sex criminal who targeted him because her one-handed father told her to. Spencer is 20 years old. He does not need to be playing daddy to a baby just because his father thinks condoms are baggy finger traps.
That isn’t even the only problem. They keep having them argue about Dex and Josslyn. This is pretty much the conversation they keep having:
Trina: “Spencer, stop being a meanie and provoking that twunk. I thought you had changed, but you haven’t!”
Spencer: “Trina, I’m sorry. Not for doing anything to that peasant, but for upsetting you. I wuvv you. Do you forgive me? Trina, don’t walk away! That riff raff made me upset my beloved. He should be sent to debtors’ prison at once with the other poors!”
It is so tiring. Let’s come up with new obstacles and conversations for Trina and Spencer. It would be nice if they would also pleasure each other’s bodies before Nicholas Chavez is showing the world his ass on Netflix just like I predicted in my GH couples column earlier this year. They need to solidify Sprina before we get a new Spencer. Not a lot of pairings survive recasts on both sides so they need to be in good shape before that happens.
Grade For GH: I’m giving it a D only because of the strength of the anniversary material. The show fell off a cliff after that, but I have to be fair and factor that in. If I were just judging the show right now, it would be a huge F.
When You’re Good To Sharon, Alan’s Good To You
For a year, we had to see Sharon pour coffee and listen to other people’s problems like she was the auntie character. Fans were fed up with that bullshit. Sharon Case is too beautiful and talented to be used as a dayplayer and not even get good supporting material. This all changed with the return of Cameron, the psycho who assaulted and terrorized Sharon in 2003-2004. It was such a smart move to draw on the history of the character and bring back a psycho for a short arc. One of the big problems with Y&R is villains doing nothing, but Cameron was balls to the wall from jump.
It was so satisfying to see Sharon stab Cameron to death in that sewer with a bomb strapped to her daughter Faith. After a year of Sharon being the unpaid therapist to Genoa City, it was a triumphant moment to see Sharon being the lead and the hero of her own story. It was disappointing to see Faith being shipped off right after almost dying, but Sharon inheriting Cameron’s tech company is an intriguing development. Hopefully this business will have a set and she won’t be running it from Crimson Lights. Fans are so excited for Sharon to have a story and they can’t backslide.
I Am Saying She’s A Gold Digger
Audra is the character Sally should have been. Ambitious, craven and willing to fuck her way to a better life. Audra is the type of character a soap about rich people needs. You need a social climber who will unapologetically grasp for power. Kyle fucking her is the kind of thing his character needed. Summer and Kyle were stagnant and being written like a couple who had been together for 30 years. Now that he cheated with a gorgeous leech we have a ballgame. I love that Kyle is buying her diamonds. Hopefully Summer finds out soon Kyle has bedded another Latina. Though this one won’t dump Kyle over an expensive purse like Lola did. Audra would be disappointed he didn’t buy more than one.
Nate Wants It All
There’s no way Nate can try to scam the Newmans and win, but I am enjoying his craven ambition. I remember when Nate returned 5 years ago and they wrote him like an auntie telling people platitudes. Now he’s a scheming slut climbing the corporate ladder and Victoria. The only thing missing is his mother Olivia. If you are going to make such a big heel turn with a character, you need his mother around to notice it and create drama. There’s no way Olivia would approve of her son giving up being a doctor to jump into the snakepit with the Newman family.
And where does Nate go after the Newmans inevitably oust him for being a greedy little scammer? Devon and Lily would be stupid to take him back to Chancellor/Winters after he committed corporate espionage. I doubt Jabot would hire him. He could go back to being a doctor, but that career doesn’t get much story on a show like Y&R. I just hope there’s a long term plan.
Shut Up, Sally!
I am glad Sally lost the baby. The triangle with Nick and Adam was tedious and they tried to make Sally into a heroine when that’s not the character. She used to be a scrappy schemer who had to bounce back from tough breaks. Now she’s a shrew who yells at Adam for multiple episodes for deciding to save her life and not the child. Very annoying. The show needs to decide whether or not they want to keep Sally or ship her off because a lot of fans are tired of her.
Grade for Y&R: B- The strength of that Cameron story really pulled the grade up. The best the show has been in years.
Dispatches From Soap Land
*I’m usually a fan of the DiMera family on Days, but I need a break from them. They are eating the show and I’m tired of it.
*Where is that ingenue that Brad Bell promised for RJ? Brad, you can tell more than one story at a time. I know you know this because you used to do it.
*Why hasn’t Ava just killed Mason on GH? And I don’t like her being on babysitter duty with Austin either. It feels like the show is just riding out Roger Howarth’s contract because Austin is pointless.
When You’re Good To Sharon…. Great line Alan,
I only watch two of the shows, but basically agree with you. I’m actually a Tripp fan, I know I know, he’s pretty boring, but Lucas Adams is hot and the show needs a good guy. He balances Johnny well. I think the problem is the center, it should be Chanel.
Love Sharon got a story and her cottage set was finally back. My only issue with the story is that almost EVERY character on the show has been poring coffee and offering advice with the exception of Adam, Sally, Nick, Victoria and possibly Diane. The best character for giving advice and being a support is Traci, yet we barely see her, instead she is off screen and everyone else just circles the favorite five with either guidance or disproval.
I didn’t mean to actually write this much, I mainly wrote a comment to ask you to GET RID OF YOUR Y & R pic with Cane still in it. It’s triggering my PTSD (Post Traumatic Self-Absorbed Daniel) I’s real and it’s hard to shake!
Would Y&R be B+ material if Tucker starts cheating on Ashley with Phyllis? They supposedly have scenes together this week and talk about teaming up. Diane or Audra could catch them. Feels pretty soap to me!!