Soap operas have lots of characters that just need to leave. It could be a character who just should be rested for a bit and brought back in a year or two. Or they could need to go away forever. Maybe on a bus out of town. Perhaps by being crushed by a boulder. This month, I’m going to name the 15 characters that I want gone.
- Sasha, General Hospital
Sasha is the most tortured character on soaps in years. Her life is indie film levels of sadness. She got addicted to drugs, her baby died, her husband died, she went back to crack and now her mother-in-law is stealing from her and abusing her. Soaps are known for torturing characters, but this all happening in two years is too much. I want dramatic things to happen on a soap, but I don’t want constant misery for a character.
All this Oscar bait level of sadness has gotten me to the point where I want Sasha to leave General Hospital. I shudder to think what they would do next. Cancer, mauled by a bear, her eyeballs just fall out while having sex with Cody, becomes a hooker for some reason or starts kidnapping kids like Holly on Guiding Light. I just want Sasha to have a Hallmark ending. She can move to Vermont and meet a man named Kent and pick apples and have babies. Laugh while twirling like she’s in a commercial for diabetes medication. Sasha’s story should just finish happily.
- Alex, Days of Our Lives
Rob Scott Wilson is handsome and charismatic. I’ve been a fan since Pete on All My Children was getting blown while talking about computers. I liked him as Ben too. Alex is just a total failure. He came on sexually harassing his step cousin Stephanie and the character has never found his footing. And he’s still trying to hump his play step cousin’s leg while she’s with Chad. Alex needs to leave Salem. Rob Scott Wilson can return as Ben with a new Ciara or he can just find another job. Frank Valentini would probably have him play Dillon Quartermaine within five months of being fired.
- Molly, General Hospital
Why the fuck is someone who is older than me playing a character who is in her mid-20’s? Is there a shortage of 25/26 year old actresses in Los Angeles that hasn’t been reported on? I don’t think that’s the case given that they just hired a 26-year-old to play a recurring nutty nanny. There’s no reason to hire 39-year-old Brooke Anne Smith to play Molly. Kate Mansi, who started as Kristina in May, is 36 playing early 30’s. The woman playing Kristina’s little sister is older than her. It is so distracting to watch them in scenes together. Brooke is visibly older than Kate.
I understand that Haley Pullos’s unfortunate real-life circumstances necessitated Molly being recast. However, I can’t excuse the mess I’m seeing play out onscreen. First we had the shaky acting of emergency recast Holiday Mia Kriegel. Now a woman who by television standards is old enough to play Molly’s mother is playing Molly. This is insanity!
Molly could just leave for a year. It isn’t like GH needs another story about a baby so they could put the surrogacy story on ice. Molly has spent years as a C character so it wouldn’t be a big deal for her to be off the canvas. Kristina could get a boyfriend or girlfriend and not have a baby for her sister. TJ could date someone new. It would be fine. Old Mother Hubbard Molly is not needed.
- Tucker, The Young and The Restless
All Tucker does is just be smug and snark at people and listen to Ashley rant about Diane like she’s Jeffrey Dahmer. That’s it. I don’t see a need to have Tucker in Genoa City. The only reason Tucker exists as a character is they needed a Victor type during Eric Braeden’s contract dispute during the Maria Arena Bell era. One could argue that gives Y&R a reason to keep Tucker as Eric is now 82 years old and a Diet Victor could be a necessity. I reject that notion. The show already has two characters that are similar to Victor in different ways in his children Victoria and Adam. Tucker is superfluous and Trevor St. John is not worth the cost of his contract.
- Deacon, The Bold and the Beautiful
Brad Bell really brought Deacon back just to have goofy scenes with Jimmie Walker at LA’s version of Olive Garden and pop boners over Sheila Carter. Deacon was such a good character back in the day when he was doing things like making Eric, Brooke and Rick hear him take Bridget’s virginity over the phone. That was so vile, but soapy. He was the type of loser soaps can utilize. 2023 Deacon is a loser in a different way. He’s simping over a psychopath. He hasn’t even gotten in trouble for that so it makes it even worse. Deacon could just leave tomorrow and it wouldn’t impact one story on this show. We don’t need this type of loser.
- Leo, Days of Our Lives
Speaking of scheming losers that used to be better characters, Days is still trying to keep Leo after the audience turned on him. Last year with him drugging Sonny and taking pictures of him naked and being involved in the Abigail murder mystery was a death knell for the character. Head writer Ron Carlivati has now put him with the retcon character Dimitri who is engaged to Leo’s bestie and fellow sociopath Gwen. All three of these characters could walk into a burning building and not come out and I wouldn’t feel any sadness.
The thing about Days though is they shoot so far ahead that characters could be gone months before we find out. Chloe, Shawn, and Belle are supposed to be gone. We know Gabi is leaving because Camila Banus publicly confirmed it. Hopefully Leo has already exited and we just don’t know it. It doesn’t feel amazing to wish for a gay character to leave, but to quote Tommy Lee Jones to Jim Carrey: “I cannot sanction your buffoonery.”
- Sally, The Young and the Restless
On B&B, Sally was a scrappy character who you rooted for to win. On Y&R, she’s an insufferable shrew masquerading as a classic heroine. Sally has no connections to the canvas, fucking two Newman brothers in a bad triangle has tanked her standing with fans and people really care to see her fixed. The show could give a story to Chloe, the legacy character Y&R fans actually like. Chloe has gone from being Chelsea’s sidekick to Sally’s sidekick. Chloe should not just exist to service the story of a character whose head could explode and fans would be ambivalent to the brain matter on the walls.
Sally could go back to B&B and fuck Liam. That man is incapable of being single so she could take one for the team and prevent him from getting his needle dick back in Steffy. Or Sally could just move to Europe, the home of lost soap characters. Either option is fine with me.
- Gregory, General Hospital
Just die already, you condescending prick (pictured right).
- Chad, Days of Our Lives
It turns out Chad and Abigail really were a package deal. The character has floundered since Abigail’s death which is saying something considering the Ron Carlivati era has not been great for Chad. Making Stephanie into Diet Abigail doesn’t help matters. I don’t want to see Chad and Alex fight over Stephanie in this damn Three’s Company triangle. Chad’s bubble butt should be on a plane out of Salem. The show already has too many DiMeras so one leaving would be ideal.
They could bring Abigail back from the dead. Just say that Peter Blake revived her with help from Dr. Rolf to try to get Jennifer’s pussy. Chad and Abigail could reunite and he could tell Stephanie that her services are no longer needed. Maybe buy her a muffin basket as a consolation. Then he could pack up his family and leave for a year at least. A clean exit.
- Chelsea, The Young and the Restless
Chelsea and Billy getting back together actually could have been a good story if they had played into the natural drama of the situation. She raped him and had a child and gave it to him and Victoria. Johnny does not know the exact circumstances of his birth. Her other son Connor only knows she had a kid with Billy. It would be explosive if they both found out about the rape. That’s too dramatic for Y&R though. They had Billy hand wave the rape by being like “I was wild. I totes deserved to get drugged and raped while in Myanmar. The audience should stop talking about rape. It is settled!”
It doesn’t work like that. A show cannot so subtly tell fans to shut the fuck up about something, but that doesn’t mean we are going to. No amount of Billy and Chelsea kissing each other’s asses is going to make us forget it. Josh Griffith is the one who went against the grain of the natural drama of this situation. If he had actually played it, he could have milked it for years. Instead, he made it placid. The character of Chelsea has been listless for years and he fumbled a story that could have reinvigorated her.
ROGER HOWARTH
- Austin, General Hospital
What was the point of killing Franco? I know an ABC exec allegedly wanted it, but I was ambivalent about Franco and even I think it was a mistake at this point. The replacement character of Austin has been a bust. He flopped with Maxie. He isn’t good with Ava at all. If Maura West can’t help save your character, it is a wrap. Nothing can be done to fix this.
It feels like they are just riding out Roger Howarth’s contract. Frank Valentini should just ask Roger if he wants to leave earlier than that. Roger lives in New York so he could stop commuting and enjoy life there. We don’t need Roger to play a fourth character on GH. Three is enough. Let’s move on.
- Esme, General Hospital
Avery Pohl is a great actress. I understand why the show wants to keep her. That said, Esme was written into a corner and all attempts at getting her out of it have been insulting to the audience. Last year, they literally had an episode where Portia and Stella talked about Esme’s actions against Trina being racist. Now they have Portia being nice to Esme. Sure, Portia’s agenda is getting her daughter away from Spencer, but it is infuriating to see Portia being kind to the woman who drugged and framed her daughter and committed a sex crime against her daughter’s friends.
Esme just isn’t a character that can stick around long term. They botched any potential with that amnesia story and tried to get fans to like her by having Laura be nice to her. At best, Esme should be a Heather Webber or Jan Spears type of character. Show up for a little bit, cause chaos and leave. For the purposes of the future story, it would be best to keep her alive for when Ace grows up, but she can go to prison until then. I’m confident Avery Pohl can get another job so it might have to be a different actress playing Esme then.
- Katie, The Bold and the Beautiful
Heather Tom is one of the greatest actresses in daytime, but we don’t need Katie anymore. She hasn’t been a lead in years. Katie only has a story when her body is falling apart for the 320th time or when Bill is sticking his tongue or other body parts in her sister. We’ve evolved past the need for Katie Logan. She can go be with Storm in Soap Heaven. Heather clearly wants to direct full time. Set her free and let’s use that money to freshen up the canvas. You could use that money to bring on Jack Marone or a Bridget recast that will actually be used. It is fine for a character to have an expiration date.
- Sheila, The Bold and the Beautiful
Speaking of expiration dates for characters, the expiration date for Sheila this go around was after she shot Steffy and her own son. Nevertheless, Brad Bell persisted. He wasn’t going to let the logic of a natural endpoint for a character get in his way. He had Sheila in a triangle with Deacon and Bill like she was a romantic heroine and not a crazy bitch who kills people with bees. Bill was just playing her for that idiotic plan with the FBI, but we still watched that bullshit. Now because Bill and Ridge couldn’t just accept Sheila only getting like 20 years in prison, Sheila is free and Finn is getting pushed under the bus by hugging the woman who shot him.
Finn has no reason to like Sheila. Since finding out she was his mother in 2021, Sheila has caused him nothing but problems. Finn is nice, but there are some things that shouldn’t be forgiven. A woman shooting you and your wife is on the list of things that shouldn’t be forgiven. If my Mother shot me, I don’t think I would hug her, but maybe I’m just a huge bitch who can’t look past bullet wounds.
They just need to wrap this shit up. I don’t want to see another cycle of Sheila going to jail and then getting out. If they had brought on Sheila’s other kids, maybe it could have injected new life into this, but alas they didn’t. It is time to let it go. Kimberlin Brown can tend to her avocados and the show can create a new villain.
- Finn, General Hospital
When Finn first arrived, I didn’t mind him which is surprising since I usually hate characters Michael Easton (pictured right) plays. He was quirky and had a bearded dragon named Roxie. It was a refreshing change from the brooding characters he usually plays. Then the show decided he should be an albatross for Elizabeth and the modest popularity the character enjoyed dried up faster than a woman talking to Ben Shapiro.
Finn became a pushy Captain Save A Hoe. Elizabeth’s backstory with her parents became all about him in a ridiculous retcon. These choices made this pairing Liz’s all time least favorite pairing with fans. Ewen is more popular with fans and he held Elizabeth hostage! Yet the show has chosen to try to reboot the pairing. It still fucking sucks. I should look forward to watching my fave in scenes with her love scene. Not thinking I’m watching a damn hostage situation.
I’ve called GH the stubborn soap many times and they keep proving me right. Hopefully the scabs will take this in a different direction. Spill coffee on whatever outline of long story Chris Van Etten and Dan O’Connor have. “Accidentally” delete the file. “Frank, my dog ate all the plans for Finn and Liz. I guess I’ll just have to come up with something myself. How disappointing that I can’t implement Chris and Dan’s brilliant writing. Now we have no choice but to have Finn fall into a sinkhole.”
Dispatches From Soap Land
*People from primetime and streaming should probably refrain from commenting on daytime matters. They don’t understand the soap world. Like they keep saying scabs will never work again. Demonstrably untrue as Josh Griffith has been fi-core since the 2007-2008 strike and has been head writer of Y&R since 2019. They are ignorant about soaps.
*The Deadline article about the alleged misconduct of Albert Alarr was stomach churning to read. Hopefully he will be fired and an executive producer can be appointed who will be professional and turn around the work of Days of Our Lives.
*Sharon working with Adam and Nick needs to lead to her being back with one of them. I’m fine with either option. Pull the trigger, Josh Griffith. Chance can be with Summer and the ship name for them can be Cummer.
I love this. And re: Summer/Chance: since Chance is the only dick under 50 in Gc that she’s not related to, Chance it is!
You know how someone goes to a spa and orders a full body wax? After they apply and rips the strip off it hurts like hell? I say that while I was reading your column, I kept going OUCH!!! Damn Alan, tell us how you really feel. 🤣🤣I cannot lie, you told the truth and did not hold back. Even a fan like me that is in denial. You broke it down, down, down. Cannot disagree when you laid everything out. Very entertaining, witty, engrossing. Great read and assessment. Even my beloved Tucker well Trevor.
Roger’s Austin has a Mason the barnacle problem NOT and pure writing problem. Super easy to have written Ava and Austin vey slowly falling in love using Ava’s earned distrust of men and Austin’s shadiness as conflicts.
Jolt duo investigating what mason did to Nik – good soap is active soap character driven. Ava falling for Austin, growing doubts for her – and audience- is interesting, then reveal he had to cut a deal with Mason during that night she slept – all to save Ava. GH doesn’t have decent writers not screen time for fan faves but that’s why I don’t watch but Roger’s a keeper.
I totally agree with your assessments of the soaps. Not such a fan of your use of the “f” word. Totally not necessary.