As a Zack Snyder Fan, I’m qualified to tell you that Rebel Moon is…Boring
I can’t fathom the amount of movie reviews I’ve written for The Pop Break during my time as Film Editor. [Editor’s Note: 803 pieces altogether]. Yes, there were some gems, but there’s a lot of battle scars and I still wake up in cold sweats at some horrendous movies (*cough* Suicide Squad *cough*).
Out of all my reviews the one that probably gets mentioned the most, and the one I’ve been absolutely skewered, mocked, ridiculed, called an idiot, and ripped apart for most of all is Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, directed by Zack Snyder. It’s for this reason I felt a responsibility to dust off the old critic hat and review what has been described as Zack Snyder’s Star Wars.
The original Star Wars trilogy are my three favorite films ever. However, Star Wars has gone from the ultimate movie-going event to the equivalent of pre-season game between the Arizona Cardinals and Washington Commanders that runs at 2:30 a.m. on ESPN 47.
So when the director of Man of Steel was basically going to cut and paste a Star Wars movie he pitched, and morph it into an original project, it was intriguing. I’ve been so desperate for Star Wars to be epic, grand and important again so I was willing to settle for a Star Wars movie that’s not even a Star Wars movie. And the fact that it was Snyder doing it put a smirk on my face, just because of how much eye-rolling this movie was going to be met with.
Now having said all that, let me be very clear – my expectations for were moderate to low.
“But Dan, you love Zack Snyder! Why were your expectations so low?!”
Yes. I definitely like Snyder films more than most, but the immediate red flag for me was that Snyder himself was credited as a screenwriter. My least favorite Snyder movies have always been the ones he’s had a hand in writing, a la Sucker Punch. His best movies, like Man of Steel and Watchmen and even BvS, he is not credited as a screenwriter. And after watching this it’s pretty evident that Zack Snyder is great at adapting material, but he sure as hell shouldn’t be writing it. Rebel Moon encapsulates every criticism Snyder has endured throughout his career.
“Yeah, the guy is great with visuals, but he blows bags as a storyteller!”
It really pains me to say this as a Snyder defender, but yeah … that sentence can basically be the review for this movie. You can stop reading now. There really isn’t a whole lot to say here. If you’re a Snyder hater, Rebel Moon is pure candy for you.
Now is the movie as awful as the current Rotten Tomato score would suggest? No, it’s really not. We’ll get to the positives in a bit, but at the end of the day, this movie is weak in all the places a movie should be strongest — story and character.
This is exactly the movie you think it is. It’s the kind of sci-fi idea that would be laughed out of the room if you pitched it in a Screenwriting class.
“Yeah, and then this happens! And this guy shoots a laser gun! There’s an alien with a big face! And then there’s a giant ladybug who crawls into this guy and it makes him talk! And then there’s a giant spider with a human head, and that head has like other faces on it and stuff!”
Seriously, all that stuff happened. What should we attack first — let’s go with the story. If it’s indeed true that Snyder did actually pitch this to Disney as a Star Wars project, it’s completely understand why it got rejected:
“So there’s an oppressive government, and it wants to take control of all these planets, but there’s a rebellion!
Um, Zack … no offense, but that’s been covered.
So that’s the plot of Rebel Moon. This was going to be a miss in the first 10 seconds. Anthony Hopkins, who sounds like he’s reading his narration while waiting for a bus, spouts off a bunch of incoherent blah blah blah about Motherworlds, kings getting slayed, etc. Nbody cares. It’s horrifically bad writing. If I listened to that narration 50 more times, I still wouldn’t get it.
Here’s what you need to know – there’s a farming planet (sound familiar?), and the big meanie heads of the Universe want to take it over, but a fierce warrior with a mysterious past goes off world to gather a rebellion to fight back.
When I read Zack Snyder had his own version of Star Wars, I wanted to believe he was bringing something unique and original to the table, but this is so bare bones and cliché, it’s just sad. And please don’t ask me to remember the name of the farm planet, or look it up. Please. All the planet names run together. They just flash onto the screen and are complete sci-fi gibberish. For all I know, one of them could have been called Urkel Island or something.
Then there are the characters. Oh wait, there are none. They are all interchangeable. Every single character and actor, and I don’t even know who was who, just looks at the camera intensely, reads the most banal, uninspired, stilted, cookie cutter dialogue in the history of writing, and that’s it. It’s almost as if Snyder was admitting how lazy his characters were, as he literally has a scene where the villain reads off every single character’s detailed back story just so we can differentiate them. It doesn’t help.
The one actress who separates herself from the pack is our main hero, Kora, played by Sofia Boutella as she’s a solid anchor. There’s nothing on the page, but at least she lasers through the camera with some charisma.
Now even if you’re a Snyder hater, you can’t deny this – per usual, he delivers a visually stunning product. He may not know how to write, but man, can this guy deliver eye candy. In an age where visual effects, especially in recent superhero movies, look like sprinkles from Cold Stone Creamery, great visual effects shouldn’t be taken for granted. The movie really does draw you in visually. It looks clean, crisp, and distinctive. The Netflix budget definitely shines through.
At the end of the day, this movie is what’s stated in the headline – it’s just boring. This is what you call a time-checker movie. Yeah, there are cool environments, and I perked up at little moments, but they are far and few between. We all know Snyder can deliver awesome action, but honestly, that was even lackluster here. There are some decent gun fights and sword play, but it’s pretty underwhelming. And the climax is weak as hell. Wow.
If you really love sci-fi that’s akin to the type of movies that would play at 1 a.m. on the SyFy channel or something, you’ll get enjoyment out of this, but it commits the cardinal sin of bad science Fiction, which is the characters talking as if the most important stuff in the history of stuff is happening, but it’s about as riveting as a trip to the DMV.
Zack, if you’re reading this, once you finish this Rebel Moon stuff, whatever you want to do next, as a loyal fan, I’ll check it out, but Rebel Moon is a complete and utter whiff. I’d rather watch a documentary about the origins of the “Martha” line in BvS.
