It is a new year and the winds of change in the air on soaps. ABC has finally shown head writers Chris Van Etten and Dan O’Connor the door and hired Patrick Mulcahey and Elizabeth Korte as the new head writers of General Hospital. Janet Spellman-Drucker’s episodes as executive producer of Days of Our Lives will start airing soon. With all this change, I think I should put out into the universe the things I want for soaps this year. I would be happy if just two of my wishes came true.
Recast RJ
I’ve tried to give Joshua Hoffman a chance. He has a good body and an acceptable face. I understand he had months of subpar material last summer when RJ was being a busybody with his sisters. He still is not suited to playing the young male lead of a soap opera. A young male lead needs charisma and enough acting talent to not be bulldozed by the veterans of the cast. Joshua doesn’t check either box
If RJ were played as more of a supporting character, maybe they could give him time to hone his craft, but RJ is being played like he’s the next big thing. He’s in a romance with Luna, they gave him the beach house set and B&B is casting a 20 year old blonde woman who will likely be fighting for his dong knowing this show. They need to recast so they have an actor who can carry this much story. Joshua is not Scott Clifton. When Scott joined B&B 14 years ago, he was already an experienced soap actor who Brad Bell could trust with the role of young male lead. I don’t think Joshua could carry a Liberty Mutual commercial.
Let Brooke Be Brooke
I am so tired of Brooke the Stepford Wife. Where’s the woman who sent alcoholic Macy a bottle of champagne? Where’s the Brooke who created the BeLieF formula? Where’s the Brooke that did more than harangue her daughter about her dating choices? Brooke is a love to hate character for me and I want her to be written like that.
If Brad Bell wants to move Brooke into Stephanie Forrester territory with her hating Hope being involved with Thomas, she should actually hatch a scheme. The meddling mother archetype only works with action. Brooke being like “Hope, can you please not blow Thomas at work or preferably ever?” is not dramatic enough. They need to go all the way and actually give Katherine Kelly Lang the material she deserves.
One Story Where Someone Isn’t A Busybody
I know no one on B&B can mind their own business, but having everyone acting like Lady Catherine de Bourgh in Pride and Prejudice is too much. We have Li policing her forty-something sister Poppy’s love life. Brooke and Steffy are acting like they get a say in where Thomas puts his dong. Even Finn got in on the buttinsky business with Thomas and Hope. I don’t think it is too much to ask for one story that isn’t predicated on someone being a busybody. It is just too much of the same thing.
A Year Without A Living Room Wedding
I realize budgets aren’t what they used to be for soaps, but I don’t think it is too much to ask for to have weddings that are not in the Forrester mansion living room. We’ve seen it so many times and usually with Carter officiating. Whenever Thomas and Hope get married, I don’t want the visual to be the same sad wedding multiple other characters have had over the years. If it can’t be a location shoot, just have it in the same set as the last Forrester Creations fashion show. Anything is better than having a wedding in the same room Eric watches Columbo while scratching his balls.
Have Kristen Return
It is ridiculous that B&B is having Zende being the overlooked family member and at least one of his parents doesn’t at least pop in. Brad Bell wants me to believe that the adopted Black Forrester wouldn’t be on the phone to his mother to tell her that his white cousin was getting the Chosen One treatment? Bullshit. They need Kristen there to say the quiet part out loud: They favor RJ over Zende because he’s Ridge’s son and also because he’s white. They aren’t going to let Zende be the one who says it. Kristen needs to read her family for filth and tell them they aren’t going to treat her son like he’s Thorne.
Add More Hortons
It is shameful that there are so few Hortons on the canvas. Meanwhile, we have DiMeras up the wazoo! Stefan and EJ are essentially the same character. They are both fortysomething year old rapists with personality disorders who like difficult women. Having them both on the canvas at the same time is redundant. Yet we only have two Hortons on contract in Maggie and Sarah and Maggie is considered more of a Kiriakis at this point.
There’s so many Hortons they could bring back to Salem. They could recast Will since Chandler Massey has a day job. Nathan is also an option and he’s a doctor so he already has a job suited for soap storylines. There’s Jeremy, Allie, Eli and Ciara. Any of them fans would happily welcome back onto the show.
They could also just bite the bullet and resurrect Abigail. It was the worst murder mystery I’ve seen on a soap and I’ve sat through many ill-conceived murder mysteries. A murder mystery centered around the death of a heroine only works in the format of a serial killer story. It is stupid if she’s the only one who dies and the motives are as thin as all these actors on Ozempic. They could reveal Dr. Rolf revived her and we could all just agree to move past that massive fuckup.
Get Rid Of The Superfluous Characters
It is great that Harris will be gone in a few months as Days fired Steve Burton. There’s still a lot of characters that need to be booted. Do we really need Everett? I don’t think so. Leo hasn’t worked as a character in years. The current version of Stephanie is an annoyance. Wendy and Tripp have only five fans. 2023 was a disaster for the show and exits need to come along with the inevitable 300th Plan to Save Days.
Bottle Episodes
Y&R has had success recently with bottle episodes and I think Days should follow suit. You don’t need explosions and big sets for an episode of a soap to be good. Sometimes all you need is one or two sets and a handful of characters. One of the big complaints of the Ron Carlivati era is that he’s too focused on the plot. Bottle episodes would allow for longer scenes and more character focus which has been lacking in recent years.
No More Animals
Why is GH wasting money on llamas and a horse with a living room? I don’t care if executive producer Frank Valentini knows a squirrel who needs a job. That squirrel can seek employment elsewhere. Frank can also go to a petting zoo and not spend ABC’s money on unnecessary shit.
A Real Love Interest For Jordan
Does anyone want to see Stephen A. Smith’s Brick in a love scene? Do you want to see the ESPN host thrusting away as sweat drips down on Jordan while he huffs and puffs the whole time? Sound off in the comments below if you want to see him having an orgasm. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that GH fans don’t want to see Jordan paired with a side character played by a celebrity fan of the show who is almost 60 years old.
What happened to Zeke? They had chemistry and fans liked it when they banged. Was the actor unavailable? Did they think fans would be creaming themselves for Jordan and Brick? Whatever the reasoning is, they need to pull the plug. Put Jordan with Zeke or a new character. New head writer Patrick Mulachey was instrumental in the creation of the Avant family on B&B. I trust him to give Jordan a love interest that is worthy of her.
A Better Wardrobe For Maxie
Why do they dress Maxie like she’s a homeless woman in a community theater production of Rent? Maxie is supposed to be a fashionista! She should not be wearing the ugliest sweaters you’ve ever seen. It doesn’t matter that Kirsten Storms is not the same size as she was when she was in her 20’s. She’s still a beautiful woman and there are cute clothes for women that are bigger than a size two. The wardrobe department should find them and stop dressing her like a woman who has totally given up on life.
Lulu Waking Up
It is time for Lulu to wake up. She’s been in this coma since fall 2020. Her father and aunt have died since then, her brother had a child with his son’s ex, Dante is living with Sam, the Haunted Star got blown up, her daughter got shot and Maxie is living in her house. There’s a lot of drama to play with a woman who has missed so much in her life. It would be an obvious choice for a first year story of a new writing regime.
Free Elizabeth From Finn
Why is Elizabeth just existing to tell Finn that he’s a great man like she’s the wife in an Oscar bait film? Wait. I know the answer to that question! It is because Frank Valentini thinks he can force us to like them as a couple. GH doubled down on them during the scab era in the fall and the only thing it has caused is resentment. Fans don’t like Liz with Finn and they certainly don’t want to see her doting on him during a malpractice lawsuit for a patient we never saw. They need to stop being so stubborn and take no for an answer.
Stop Giving D Characters So Much Story
Does Brick need a love interest? No. Are there a lot of fans dying to see Diane with Robert? Not really. GH has too many characters. They need to focus on the characters that matter and not the characters that exist to serve other people’s stories. Brick could get blown up Clink Boom 1996 style and it would not matter. Diane is a recurring character lawyer. Fans aren’t that invested in her getting dick. She could have died during The Hook story and it would have been fine.
Give Nina A Story
Newer fans might not know this, but Tricia Cast is a great actress. They’ve used her as a talk to character in recent years, but Nina used to drive story back in the day. It would be easy to utilize her more. Nina could start dating Cole. He’s back in town and single and they know each other. It would piss Victoria off to see her ex-husband romancing her former rival. If it led to Nina and Victoria slapping the shit out of each other, even better.
They could also have Nina interact more with her son Chance. Conner Floyd’s version of the character hasn’t had that many scenes with his mother. I do think Conner would benefit from working with Tricia Cast. He’s not a bad actor, but he still has a ways to go before he can carry a story on his own. Learning from veteran actors is how many young actors went from meh to being great. It would also help fans to be more invested in Chance as a character.
Take A Break From Black Women Getting Cheated On
I’ve noticed all the recent cheating stories have been men in relationships cheating and all three of them were men cheating on Black women with white women. Devon cheated on Amanda with Abby, Nate cheated on Elena with Victoria and Daniel cheated on Lily with Heather. I’m all for cheating on soaps. It is a cornerstone of the genre. The optics of this are troubling.
Y&R notably has a lot of Black women fans. How do you think they feel watching three stories where a Black woman was betrayed for a white woman? And two of them were Black men. If it were one story you could chalk it up to the nature of soaps, but three is a pattern. It doesn’t help that Amanda is now a character that drops in for cameos and Esther is in more episodes than Elena. Lily is the only consistent Black woman on the canvas and Y&R just uses her to build white men up who leave her for a white woman. CBS or Sony needs to step in about this because at the rate we’re going, Mamie will probably get a boyfriend who will sleep with Jill.
Reed Needs To Return
Why isn’t Reed already back in town? Victoria has now known for two months that Claire is her daughter. They need to play the beat of Victoria telling her other adult child about his sister. Reed should have an onscreen reaction to suddenly having an older sister who poisoned the important members of the family. If he just stays offscreen plucking his guitar, it would be a failure of dramatic potential and storytelling.
Reed should be against Claire being welcomed into the Newman family. He already went through his father J.T. being abusive to his mother. He should be protective of Victoria and view Claire as a threat. Claire should resent Reed as he’s had more time with their mother. A big chunk of Reed’s life was spent in D.C., but Victoria spent more birthdays with Reed than the whopping zero she spent with Claire. Reed needs to be the Bianca Montogomery to Claire’s Kendall Hart.
Dispatches From Soap Land
*Did Joshua Hoffman piss someone in the B&B wardrobe department off? Because they dress him like the gay best friend in a romcom.
*I am excited to see Days stars competing on The Weakest Link. When your show is on a struggling streaming service, you need corporate synergy to help.
*I really hope Frank Valentini and Nathan Varni let Patrick Mulcahey and Elizabeth Korte work with minimal interference. GH needs a revamp and when you hire an experienced soap writer like Patrick the last thing you need is to note him to death.
It’s not just Chris Van Etten and Dan O’Connor that should have been fired, Elizabeth Korte’s obsession with Carly is ruining the show. With Jason’s return, it will only get worse.
I agree about the animals on GH. It’s ridiculous.
NuNuJordan should have been Gia or a model. There’s no point having Crimson and Deception if there’s only one model (Sasha). Also, Risa Dorken looks amazing and GH wardrobe department should ask her for tips on how to dress Maxie.
Adult Elizabeth’s best romantic chemistry was with Franco. Unfortunately, that’s over so now she’s stuck with Finn and her kids have been shoved back in the attic in favor of Violet.
GH also needs to do a better job with the teen scene. Jake and Charlotte are dating? When did it happen? Don’t tell us, show us.
I agree with most of what you wished for. Except about Diane Miller. I love her and wish they used her more.
I’ll give Patrick and Elizabeth a shot but if they keep going with the premise that Carly can do no wrong and Nina is the worst person in Port Charles I’ll have to take a break. There’s no balance or logic in those storylines. Just write them in separate storylines. Please.