This year is halfway done, and it is time to assess 2024 so far. Unfortunately, it has been a rough six months for the four soaps. Do any of them deserve a passing grade for what has been presented? Let’s find out.
Trolling With Toes
Why did we have to see Deacon kiss Sheila’s feet? Brad Bell knows how fans feel about that pairing and Sheila in general so it was total trolling on his part. It was bad enough that the show thought we were stupid enough to think Sheila was really dead. The foot fetish in the afternoon proposal was just a horrible button on an already stupid story.
The thing about trolling the audience is that they will tune out. Ratings have gone down since this shit show started. Brad might think American fans don’t matter since he has international viewers, but I’m pretty sure Italian fans know when a story is bad and can also turn a TV show off. I’m not an expert on the TV tastes of Italians, but I’ve never heard of them being fond of nine-toed sociopathic grandmothers. If anyone from Italy is reading this, sound off in the comments if Italians are into nine toes.
At Home Paternity Test
Bill has found two adult children of his since he joined the show in 2009. When they don’t know what to do with him, they just plop another new found kid on him. Now the number might be three because of Luna. I use the word “might” because they did a paternity test at home like it is a COVID test. It feels very likely that Poppy rigged the janky test so she could play family with Bill.
I’m fine with Poppy being a gold digger. Soaps need characters that are grasping for money and power. It was just really stupid for it to be an at home paternity test. Bill is a billionaire! He wouldn’t be duped this easily. They could have just done the old school soap story of Poppy gaining access to the lab and faking the results. Sometimes you just need to do the classic soap thing.
Hope Is Horny
After Thomas exited, Hope lost her mind and started fantasizing about Finn. It was deeply uncomfortable to watch. Annika Noelle and Tanner Novlan don’t have chemistry. Neither one was trying particularly hard in the fantasy scenes to sell it. Finn getting with Hope wasn’t in Tanner’s best interest since the pairing with Steffy has put food on his table since 2020. If Finn and Hope fucked, fans would turn on him and he’d just be Liam with a deeper voice and a medical license.
Thankfully, Thomas has returned and the show has written off Hope getting wet for Steffy’s husband as madness, induced from Thomas leaving. The sudden switch makes me think there were contract issues with Matthew Atkinson and it got resolved. Contract actors don’t just disappear for three months unless they are a veteran with lengthy annual vacations.
Raisin Bran Option
Thomas has returned engaged to Paris in a very obvious rebound relationship. He can’t even say he loves her. She was just there and willing to say yes. This makes Hope the Captain Crunch option in this triangle and Paris the Raisin Bran option. Everyone knows where this is going. Thomas and Hope will reunite and Paris will be looking dumb at the altar again because this is the second time she’s been engaged to someone settling for her. We already saw this when Quinn interrupted Paris and Carter’s wedding.
The last time a Black woman was the first choice on B&B was when Maya was with Rick. Will that ever happen again? Because Thomas already used Paris’s sister Zoe to make Hope jealous – a fact that makes Paris look extra dumb and desperate for being with him. I’m happy Diamond White is getting a paycheck, but I’m sad she always has to play the perpetual loser.
Final Grade For B&B: F
I watched Deacon kiss feet and Hope getting horny by awkward fantasies. It deserves the F.
Picking The Scab Off
Days shoots so far in advance that five of the six months that have aired this year were scab material. Most of the scab material was wheel spinning to not make any big decisions while head writer Ron Carlivati was on strike. This resulted in time filler stuff, like the Horton house burning and Alex and Kristen having sex.
The problem with the wheel spinning was when Ron returned to deliver the climaxes of his stories, it didn’t really deliver. The baby switch story ended with no one paying for it. Xander killing Konstantin was welcome, but it wasn’t good enough to wait this long for. The scabs could have just wrapped up all of Ron’s stories and it would have been fine.
Trying To Make Fetch Happen
Ron is now doing the semi-annual ritual of trying to humanize Leo and force us to like his fave character. It isn’t working on me. No amount of Leo whining about having a bad mommy is going to make me forget him sexually harassing every man in town or his role in the baby switch or how he treated Nancy. A lot of the audience, a good amount of them gay men, want Leo to fall out of a piñata dead like Cassie did.
I am also not amused by trying to recreate the Leo and Gwen friendship with him befriending Theresa. I actually like Emily O’Brien as Theresa, but putting her in scenes with Leo and replicating that annoying dynamic is just reminding me of how much I hated Gwen. This is ill-advised.
Another Dead Baby
Ron erased one of the few actual decisions the scabs made by having Chanel lose her baby. Black women rarely give birth to healthy babies on soaps. You can count on one hand how many Black children have been born onscreen on Days. I understand wanting to give Daytime Emmy reel material, but sometimes just let a character have her baby. We don’t need constant dead babies particularly from characters that rarely get to have babies.
Final Grade For Days: D
I’m going to cut them a little slack since they were the only soap airing scab material in 2024 and I am finding June’s episodes more watchable than Ron’s 2023 material, despite my issues with the stories.
Wide Awake
Kelly Monaco spent a few years phoning it in on GH. It was so noticeable that when Lindsay Hartley came in as a temp recast, some fans wanted her to stay in the role because she was acting like her rent was due. Now Kelly is awake again and it is amazing to see. I’ve never been a fan of Sam, but she truly is one of the highlights of the show this year. From Sam at Dante’s bedside after he got shot, to reading Carly for filth, Kelly has been putting in the work.
I am hard on actors that think about pizza in scenes, but I have to give credit when they wake up and deliver the goods. I am proud of Kelly. I think she has a chance at getting a Daytime Emmy nomination next year and it would be deserved.
Fizzled Out
The long national nightmare is over. Finn and Elizabeth broke up thanks to a dead dad, alcohol and a woman with questionable taste in men named Barb. We don’t have to worry about them reuniting again because Michael Easton is out and Finn is going to rehab. GH has given me one of the things from my wish list column, and I am grateful.
The other thing to come from the joyous destruction of that pairing was Jason and Liz setting Soap Twitter on fire. I have never been a fan of Liason, but I do admit they have chemistry and a fanbase. It would make sense to reunite them. Although, Lucky is returning this fall so Elizabeth will have the two loves of her life on canvas. Putting her back with Lucky would be a tough sell given how they ended, but with the right writing, it could work. I’m just happy Elizabeth will have options.
Violin Boy
I have no interest in watching a twink play the violin incessantly. Giovanni Mazza is a decent actor and I can see why GH created a character for him. They just set him up for failure. He’s taken Spencer’s spot on the canvas when fans just wanted a Spencer recast. He was billed as a love interest for Trina, but he’s more interested in Josslyn. If he had been playing a Cameron recast, he’d have a fighting chance with the fandom, but he’s a Cerullo cousin. Maybe I’ll come to like Gio, but I don’t yet. I’m open to my mind being changed.
Moves Like Jagger? Prove It!
Will someone just fuck Jagger already? This man desperately needs to get laid. I’m tired of him wandering around Port Charles in this tedious Pikeman story. Adam Harrington can act, he’s attractive and he has chemistry with the cast. Let Jagger plow someone. Please and thank you in advance.
Think of Laura
This has been the most damaging period for Laura in GH history and she spent most of the 2000’s catatonic so that’s saying something. Why would this show think that Chris Van Etten’s “Heather’s hip made her kill” pitch was a good idea? If he pitches Laura doing the Electric Slide with the reincarnation of Ted Bundy, will they implement that as well? Is Laura going to tell Helena Cassadine’s ghost that she’s a good person?
My only hope that GH is going to unfuck this situation is Lucky’s forthcoming return. Maybe with one of her children in town, Laura will stop being nice to people she should despise. Or they’ll double down, and Laura and Lucky will give Heather a pedicure while telling her she’s a good person who deserves a second chance.
Final Grade For GH: F
The bright spots don’t make up for the weirdest writing transition I’ve seen in my years watching soaps. Hopefully the rest of year will be better and the show can rebound in the ratings. I don’t want to lose another soap.
Two Actors and One Set
A soap doesn’t need an explosion or a fancy gala to be good. Sometimes all you need is two actors and one set. Y&R proved that with May’s bottle episode that focused on Jack relapsing to get Nikki back on the wagon. Melody Thomas Scott and Peter Bergman did some of the best work of their careers having to carry an entire episode by themselves. It felt like watching a play.
Shoutout to script writer Marin Gazzaniga. It is rare for soaps to have an entire episode devoted to just two characters on one set, so this must have been a challenge, but she rose to the occasion. This episode is likely to get submitted in several categories for the Daytime Emmys next year. I also have to commend Josh Griffith. I’m hard on him when it is deserved, but he delivers sometimes.
Hallmark Heroine
Why is Claire acting like she’s a nanny in a romance novel where the couple only kisses? She tried to murder half her family last year. Let her have some bite. Having her play Mary Poppins to Harrison is the wrong direction for Claire. I know Y&R really wants Claire to be viable, but she doesn’t need to be a sweet heroine to be viable. Once she’s settled into the Newman family, you can let her darkness come out a bit. They could make her fiercely protective of the Newmans since she feels like she has so much to prove.
I do like that Katie dislikes Claire. They needed one sibling to hate Claire. It should have been Reed since he’s an adult, but I’ll take what I can get. Now just let Katie hate Claire for at least six-to-eight months. I don’t want her to think she’s the best sister ever in two weeks.
That’s Just Lazy
Ashley having split personalities at 60 years old was already a whackadoo story, but adding a new character and giving that character an evil twin made it even whackier. Christopher Cousins did great work, but it just felt so lazy. Though, at least Eileen Davidson is probably going to get a Daytime Emmy nomination and has a strong chance of winning. That’s more than can be said for the lazy stories on other soaps.
Missing In Action
Sharon has had Esther level episode counts in 2024. It has baffled fans. Sharon Case has been on Y&R for 30 years and this is the lowest her episode counts have ever been. Everyone knows Sharon isn’t Josh Griffith‘s favorite character to write for, but this was alarming. There was no explanation for it.
Now, thankfully, Sharon is getting a story with her starting new medication and it having side effects. I am not the biggest fan of Sharon’s mental illness stories, but as long as it doesn’t go too far, I’m willing to go along with it. Sharon has been stable for a long time and with everything she’s gone through the last few years, she’s due for a mental breakdown. I know Sharon Case will eat those scenes up.
What Was The Point?
Daniel and Heather suing Chancellor/Winters could have been juicy, but it got settled politely and Lucy got a college fund out of it. Lily should have eviscerated those cheaters during the trial, but we couldn’t have that. She had to be the bigger person for the thousandth time because Lily isn’t allowed to be petty for longer than a week.
Unless Daisy is going to return and lock someone in a cage, I don’t see the point in keeping Daniel, Heather and Lucy. They are boring and a waste of money. That money could be spent on a Reed or Fen recast. The show needs young characters with dramatic potential.
Final Grade For Y&R: C+
It is the best of the four soaps right now. I still want a regime change, but I guess I’ll have to wait longer for that. I’m grateful the show isn’t in dire straits so when we do finally get a regime change, it won’t have to be a complete overhaul.
Dispatches From Soap Land
*I wonder what job Lucky on GH will have when he returns. The show already has a lot of cops. I’ll accept yet another career change story because the last time Lucky was on the canvas, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were still together and the first Inside Out film was in theaters.
*I hope B&B has an actual plan for Will. RJ has been such a dud and they gave Luna that gross mint story. They desperately need a successful story for a character under 30.
*I don’t mind Days getting a new family. They have the most intertwined family trees in soap history, so they need it. I just think they have set the Greene family up for failure in a story that fans are destined to reject.
