Not shown, Virgil was spotted outside the arena walking around asking for autographs, and charging $20. Sigh.
Best moment, the security guard who tried to stop Rob Gronkowski from getting in the ring and then that security guard gets stopped by other security guards.
WrestleMania kicks off with the pre-show, featuring Shawn Michaels and his one paid scripted line of hocking WWE.com and the WWE Network. He’s still funny.
Our first match features Neville retaining the Cruiserweight Championship against Austin Aries. Certainly a surprise to many, but definitely a great match to start off the show and amp up the crowd. Neville put him away with the Red Arrow.
Second match of the pre-show, which yes, means there is a third… Is the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. Featuring big guys like Braun Strowman, Big Show, Mark Henry, and NXT’s Killian Dane. Some surprising performances by Titus O’Neal, Dolph Ziggler, and I even give credit to Jinder Mahal for his role in the match conclusion. Read that correctly. It came down to Dane, Mahal, and Mojo Rawley. Prior to the end, Rawley and Mahal brawled on the outside, right where Rob Gronkowski is sitting, and we are reminded with fervor, he is BEST FRIENDS with Rawley.
This leads to a very funny moment. As Gronkowski is baited by Mahal, he jumps over the crowd barrier, and is suddenly stopped by a security guard, who is then stopped by other security guards to back her off, as he is supposed to jump in. Wow, great funny screw up. So, the NFL star jumps in the ring, and he shouldertackles Mahal. Rawley winds up eliminating both Dane and Mahal, to win the battle royal. Well. Did not see that coming.
As for the third match, instead of the SmackDown Women’s Championship which thanks to social media, was put into the main show, and in its place we get Dean Ambrose retaining the Intercontinental Championship against Bacon Rorbin. Was surprised, I expected Corbin would get the big push tonight, but Ambrose connects with the Dirty Deeds for the pinfall victory.
Winner and still champion: Dean Ambrose
Up next… Promos and WrestleMania 33!
In another surprise, our opening match features AJ Styles vs. Shane McMahon. Early start with some arm drags and headlock takedowns, turning into a punching match. Suddenly, Styles dropkicks Shane up and over the announce table.
Shane comes back with his trademark punching combo, right in time for the weather to take a heel turn and start thundering.
Shane counters a 450 into a guillotine choke, tries for a submission, but AJ turns it into a Styles Clash which nearly breaks Shane’s arm. Shane ducks a kick, and Styles whacks the ref. He uses the opportunity to grab some trash cans from under the ring. It is Styles going for the coast-to-coast, but Shane wakes up in time to hit Styles with the pail. Now, Shane, he decides to do the coast-to-coast, and connects!
He then goes for his trademark elbow through the table and missed! In the ring, Styles goes for a phenomenal forearm, but Shane counters into a DDT! Shane, going bat-shit crazy, GOES FOR A SHOOTING STAR PRESS AND MISSES!! Thank Primus he didn’t go Lesnar and break his neck. AJ hits the Phenomenal Forearm again for the win.
AJ Styles wins in a, yes, phenomenal match.
United States Championship: Kevin Owens vs. Chris Jericho
Jericho has a light-up scarf. It’s awesome. That entrance ramp is long.
Jericho and Owens go right at it from the bell. Owens takes control after a nasty cannonball. Owens dominates until Jericho takes him off the top turnbuckle with a hurricanrana. Owens takes a shot from Jericho, and winds up with a bruise on his head. Owens goes for a frog splash, blocked by Jericho, who goes for the Lionsault, but Owens get the knees up. Owens going for broke, dives off with a swanton bomb, but Jericho takes his turn for the knees. Some nice maneuvering by Owens, dropping Jericho with a nice neckbreaker. Jericho does finally hit the Lionsault, and both men are down.
After an exchange, Jericho counters the Pop Up Powerbomb into a codebreaker, but Owens, breaks the pin with ONE FINGER. Yes, he puts one finger on the bottom rope. Hysterical.
On the floor, KO powerbombs Jericho full-force on the ring apron, rolls him in, pinning Y2J and winning the United States Championship. Great match.
Winner and New United States Champion: Kevin Owens
RAW Women’s Championship Fatal-Four Way: Charlotte vs. Nia Jax vs. Sasha Banks vs. Bayley
This starts off with Nia Jax completely in control until the other wrestlers triple-team her and take her down with a suplex/superkick combo, a triple powerbomb, and a triple pile-on pin, eliminating her from the match. Charlotte later on takes flight with an amazing top rope corkscrew moonsault all the way to the floor.
Banks rolls up Charlotte, but Charlotte forcibly kicks out, propelling Banks into an exposed turnbuckle, allowing Charlotte to eliminate her.
Charlotte has Bayley in the tree of woe, until, through some massive strength, backdrops Charlotte off the top turnbuckle. Bayley then connects with the Macho Man Elbow Drop off the top, and pins Charlotte to retain the RAW Women’s Championship!
Winner and still champion: Bayley
RAW Tag Team Championship Ladder Match
YES! The Hardy Boys are back!!!! The Hardy Boys WIN the RAW Tag Team Championships!!!
Before the match begins, The New Day come out, in ring gear to announce another team is entering the match, and BAM The Classic Hardy Boys theme hits, and the crowd, my friend’s living room erupts! The match begins and DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! echo through the crowd. Lots of ladder shots for everyone, Big Cass bashing everyone with huge big boots.
Jeff Hardy does the super-tall ladder dive, and Cesaro takes the full brunt of that fall. Tons of big time ladder splats. Lots of big spots, this was an amazing match. Unbelievable.
I have to say, WrestleMania 33 is exceeding my expectations.
John Cena and Nikki Bella vs. The Miz and Maryse
So in a strange moment, Al Roker, calling himself Chocolate Thunder, brings out the next match. Miz has a coat which looks like something stolen out of the Undertaker’s Corporate Ministry closet. The Miz is getting some HUGE live crowd pops. Cena being booed relentlessly. Every time Miz lands a punch, the crowd goes nuts. Miz dominating most of the match, Maryse often sabotaging any interference from Nikki Bella. Miz plants Cena with a nice DDT. Miz and Maryse are dominating, until suddenly, Nikki slaps Miz, and suddenly the tide changes that quickly, as Cena and Nikki hit dual five-knuckle shuffles, finishing moves, and it’s over. Just like that. Well, that was fast.
Winners: John Cena and Nikki Bella
After the match, Cena finally does what anyone who watched Total Divas would be expecting, he proposes to Nikki Bella. Crowd, I suppose being respectful, does not boo the moment, however they do not cheer, except for the three teenagers screaming in the front row.
No Holds Barred or Whatever It’s Being Called Match: Triple H vs. Seth Rollins
The Game comes down with a police motorcade and a massive motorcycle. Steph looks strange, like a 13-year-old goth chick. Seth Rollins comes out with a torch, which lights up the entrance ramp and ring with digital fire. No joke. He’s wearing silver and gold, like something out of Kamen Rider.
Every time Seth Rollins hits a move, his knee hurts. He tries to do some regular, and his knee gives out. He goes for the big moves, and his knee manages to hold firm. Triple H appears to control most of the match, while Rollins gets hurt, a lot. Triple H wraps a chair around Rollin’s leg, but he gets up and hurls the chair at The Game. Lots of chair shots and figure-four-ish… and Rollins, grabbing anything under the ring, inadvertently brings out The Sledgehammer.
Uh oh.
Rollins gets clotheslined out of his boots, inside out, being parked on his head. Rollins gets the Sledge, but Stephanie grabs it, distracting, Triple H hits the Pedigree, but Rollins kicks out! He then hits a Phoenix Splash off the top, but HHH kicks out. Lots of Pedigree reversals into other Pedigree reversals. Triple H nearly runs into Steph on the apron, but then HHH eats a superkick, bumping into Steph, and sends her CRASHING through a table. Triple H loses his mind, but Seth Rollins seizes the advantage and hits the Pedigree for the pinfall victory!
Winner: Seth Rollins
WWE Championship: Randy Orton vs. Bray Wyatt
Lots of creepy promos before this match starts. I am convinced Wyatt is wearing a Cthulu t-shirt. Orton takes control early, but then Bray gains control, and each time he goes to a corner to do the upside down creepy-head thing, the lights go off, and a video image of maggots or worms is seen on the ring mat. It’s pretty disgusting. Boogeyman would have a buffet field-day. Slow match, but it’s pretty freaky. Orton hits an RKO on the floor.
Orton gains control, hitting some of his usual moves, until Wyatt rebounds with Sister Abigail but Orton kicks out. The next projection shows cockroaches. Yet, somehow, out of nowhere, Orton hits a pretty much seen coming a mile away RKO and wins the WWE Championship. I was surprised this wasn’t a better match, the end seemed very anti-climactic.
Winner and New WWE Champion: Randy Orton
WWE Universal Championship: Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg
The promos lasted longer than the match. Goldberg’s entrance was longer than his Survivor Series Match and the time Goldberg eliminated Lesnar from the Royal Rumble. Thankfully, Rabbi Paul Heyman takes the mic from JoJo and introduces his client, Brock Lesnar. He is so good at what he does.
Bell Rings! Brock hits three consecutive German suplexes, but Goldberg comes back with two spears, and a third on the floor through the crowd barrier! Goldberg goes for a Jackhammer, Brock counters for an F5, but Goldberg powers out and spears again! He doesn’t have any other moves! He hits a Jackhammer, but Brock kicked out!! Goldberg goes for another spear, Lesnar leaps and the champ crashes the corner, Brock hits seven more German suplexes, and the crowd is going nuts as they get to chant 10! 10! 10! as Lesnar finally hits the F5, and Brock Lesnar wins the WWE Universal Championship.
Winner and New Universal Champion: Brock Lesnar
There were four moves the whole match. Spear. German Suplex. Jackhammer. F5. Each move repeated.
SmackDown Women’s Championship
Mickie James comes down dressed as Tatanka. The entrances are rushed. Naomi is out last for her neon entrance. Whoa, I feel sick. They cut the lights before Natalya even got to the ring. Everyone takes turns hitting big moves, attempted pinfalls, kick outs, and back to hitting signature moves, and then Naomi goes to town, and forces Alexa Bliss to submit to some sort of double-arm submission.
Winner and new SmackDown Women’s Champion: Naomi
Roman Reigns vs. The Undertaker
It’s almost 11:30. These promos are way too long. Jim Ross comes out to call the final match of the night. Wow.
Roman Reigns comes out to 75,000 people booing him. Oh the glory. Undertaker’s entrance takes over five minutes, even with having him come up from under the ramp, but not even halfway down. Geez. Lots of striking back and forth. Some excitement picks up when both men are standing on announce tables, and Reigns just plows the Deadman through one with a spear. Taker does the sit up, but Reigns still attacks.
Taker brings in a chair, smacks Reigns around with it. Reigns fires back with a couple of superman punches, but winds up taking a chokeslam and a bigtime Tombstone for his efforts. Taker looks for the pinfall, but Reigns kicks out.
Reigns tries to counter into his own Tombstone, I think, but screws it up twice. Crowd chanting Bulls*** at this stage. This match has gone downhill fast. Reigns hits his spear, but Taker manages to lock in the Hells Gate submission. Doesn’t look good. For anyone. Reigns hits more spears. We get nervous. Maybe Taker will lose. Maybe he won’t. Maybe this match won’t end before midnight. Taker tries doing his sit-up, but can’t do it. Oh dear. More booing. Lots of booing.
Roman Reigns hits another super-running-spear, and it’s over. Undertaker has lost again.
That’s it. I’m done for the night.
