Alan’s Soap Box: 10 Rules For Head Writers 

Written by Alan Sarapa 

Douglas Marland, deceased head writer of General Hospital, Guiding Light and As The World Turns, famously once gave out his rules for not ruining a soap. They included rules like “don’t change a core character,” “don’t fire anyone for six months” and “know the history.” There was a lot of good advice in there, but times have changed. When Douglas wrote those rules, each of the big three networks had multiple soaps and now there’s only four left. And frankly, head writers are making even more mistakes than ever. I felt like it was finally time someone updated Marland’s guide, and it might as well be me. Here’s my rules for head writers: 

Rule 1: Recent history matters. 

Most of the time when fans say they want head writers to know the history of a show, they mean the old stuff like 80’s or 90’s stories. Recent history, however, is just as important, and if you mess that up, fans will notice. 

Example: Amanda on Y&R recently learned she was a deceased fan favorite Hilary’s twin. When she confided this news to her boss Billy, he said he wasn’t close to Hilary. That isn’t true. Billy was one of the few friends Hilary did have. Viewers remember all the scenes of Hilary hanging out with Billy and Phyllis. When Y&R acts like that didn’t happen, it is insulting. 

You could argue this is more of a script writer problem, but if someone on the team doesn’t know the show, that’s ultimately on the head writer. 

Rule 2: Absolutely fire someone who isn’t working out. 

Douglas said wait six months before firing someone when you join a show, but soaps don’t have that luxury anymore. Getting rid of a hated character can actually bring excitement to a show. When Ron Carlivati joined GH, he had Helena kill the Woman in White, who bizarrely turned out to be Helena’s daughter, during his first week. Fans were thrilled! 

And goodwill from fans isn’t the only reason to do it. Soaps have a finite amount of money to play with. That vacancy can be used to recast a legacy character, create a new character, or even bring back a fan favorite. Don’t waste resources on someone the audience can’t stand. 

Rule 3: Don’t try to make a hated character a saint. 

If a character isn’t working out, you could take them in a different direction. Just do not try to make the character a saint, especially if they’ve done various nefarious things. 

Example: Flo on B&B. She was involved in the literal theft of a child. You wouldn’t know she had let Hope grieve a baby that wasn’t dead for months from watching the show. She gave a kidney to long lost Aunt Katie and the show acted like she was automatically redeemed. A halo perched atop her baby thieving head! Fans feel quite differently about that and resent her presence. 

You can’t make fans love a character if they don’t. You either have to try something different with them or ditch them. Being defiant in the face of fan response is just delusional. 

Rule 4: Stop the over-grieving. 

How many times did we have to see Josslyn on GH cry in front of a rock? And before that, it was the Corinthos crying about penguin enthusiast Morgan for three years. And Delia on Y&R has been dead since 2013, but is still mourned like it was yesterday. It is excessive and tedious. 

You might be thinking “Alan, grieving is a natural part of life.” It is, but there’s no storytelling value in just having the same scene over and over again. The first few times can be touching, but after a while you become numb watching it. 

I think writers do this too often because it often results in Daytime Emmys and because they confuse a bunch of crying for actual storytelling. A writer needs to put in actual work for it to be more than just cheap emotional manipulation. A good example of this is Cassie’s death on Y&R. They got years of stories out of her death and it really made an impact on the series. It wasn’t just performative emotion with zero story being told. 

Rule 5: Tell more than one story. 

You’d think it would be obvious that a show that is on five days a week would need to tell more than one story, but there are times when a head writer becomes myopic and only tells one story. If this is done well, it can be an umbrella story that pulls in most of the cast. If it is done poorly, it just involves a few characters and the rest of the cast functions as day players. 

The big reason why you need more than one story is, if a fan doesn’t like that story, they have no B or C story to get them to tune in. They become fed up with it and decide that time would be better spent watching something else. 

Rule 6: If a character is absent from an event, give an excuse for it. 

This seems small, but fans do care about it. If there’s a wedding or funeral or an event that character should be at, just give a throwaway line about it. Fans know there’s a budget and actor availability is a factor. Just say the character’s flight got delayed or they have food poisoning. If there’s no throwaway line, I promise you fans will raise holy hell about it. 

Example: Kristina on GH’s absence during Mike’s death. He was her grandfather and she wasn’t there and no explanation was given. Fans were especially peeved about this because Josslyn was there and calling the man she’s known for two years grandpa. To say that fans were pissed would be an understatement.

Rule 7: Crazy is better than boring. 

If you have been watching Y&R lately, you know it is so boring. The commercials for diabetes medications are more lively than the show! Y&R has very little going on. Even the promos reflect that. They had a promo that had Summer saying nothing was happening. Points for self-awareness? 

People criticize Chuck Pratt’s tenure as head writer on the show, but he at least had good ratings. And when it comes down to it, people would rather watch and bitch about Jack being replaced by a Latino doppelganger than watch Phyllis and Abby fight over a hotel no one cares about. 

And with the right execution, a crazy story can be genuinely good. Marlena being possessed is the most famous Days story of all time for a reason. Days head writer James E. Reilly played every bit of that madness at the time. And even if a crazy story flops, a bad story is better than no story. 

Rule 8: If a story flops on one soap, don’t keep on telling the same story on other soaps. 

Imagine there was a man who kept on telling the same story on three soaps. Let’s call him Don Rarlivati. He just keeps on telling the same story about a woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder getting raped by a man and treating it like it is romantic. Who would keep on telling that story after getting read for filth for each time? That would be silly, right? Though I better make this a rule just in case someone would be so foolish to do that. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPqk7LMxziw

Rule 9: Don’t drag a story out too long. 

When you plot out a story, you should know whether it is a story that lasts three months or a year. That way you can plan out the story beats and the pace. GH has struggled with this. They’ve had multiple stories meander for years. It took two years for Mike to die. It took over a year for the baby switch to come to an underwhelming conclusion. And don’t even get me started on Peter, who killed Drew a year ago and still hasn’t been exposed. 

I realize soaps have to fill out time because they are on five days a week, but if they planned out stories better, they could have stories reach a natural climax and launch new stories. That way you don’t have fans frustrated over a story that has been going on for over a year with no plot movement. 

Rule 10: Romance matters. 

If you really want fans to tune into a soap, you need couples that they will ship. Chemistry is obviously out of the head writer’s hands. Either they will or they won’t have chemistry, but the head writer can help set up the couple for success. They need to set up situations to throw them together. 

Example: Ben and Ciara on Days. If it wasn’t for the cabin, it would have been very hard to believe Ciara would willingly spend time with the Necktie Killer. The cabin put them in close proximity and had him taking care of her with intimate scenes like him giving her a sponge. This made Ciara (and some fans) view Ben as a human being which was key to making Cin a popular pairing. 

And you need both internal and external conflicts. If they just get together and are just happy 100% of the time, that will be boring because there’s no story. That was Devon and Elena on Y&R up until recently. Now that she’s insecure over Amanda being the twin of her boyfriend’s dead wife, there’s potential conflict.Two pretty people kissing each other all the time is cute, but soaps don’t air on The Hallmark Channel. If a couple is under the age of 70, they need obstacles. 

I realize being a head writer on a soap is the hardest job in entertainment. Fans are always mad at them and the workload is insane. Networks kill or tinker with stories. It is a thankless job. So I’d like to take this moment to thank them. Whatever I think about your current job performance, I know it is a hard job and not every decision is on them. And if a story is bad, at least I will get some pleasure ruthlessly mocking it… and that’s something. 

Dispatches from Soap Land: 

*Bobbie and Scotty on GH breaking up would have been sadder if fans knew they were dating. The last time I remember them having scenes together was when Bobbie was diagnosed with diabetes. This is what happens when you have a cast that is too damn big. 

*Days should just have Lani and Kristen have an affair. Lani is being ridiculous over Kristen’s arrest to the point that she’s acting like she’s in love with Kristen. Let the former nuns kiss! 

*Steffy on B&B’s addiction story is very rushed, but it features her dragging that spineless thing named Liam so I’ll allow it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AE0ayX8k52o