Last week, I started assigning the best and worst of this year on soaps. This week, we are going to conclude it. This is getting published earlier than it normally would because people lose interest once all the other lists come out and you just stop caring about bullshit that aired in April after you’ve opened Christmas presents.
Worst Head Writer: Josh Griffith, The Young and the Restless
I’ve written twice about how much Josh Griffith deserves to be fired. If I were to write a third piece, he’d probably be morally allowed to beat me with a bat, lock me in a cage and force me to help him with ideas to save his job. “You haven’t brought Tricia Dennison back. Sarah Brown would be terrific in the role!” “What if you actually gave the minority characters good material?” “What if Victor actually lost? Ow! You didn’t need to throw your shoe.”
It is beyond tedious to even complain about Josh at this point. I’m tired of complaining about the business stories that go nowhere even as characters talk about it like the sky is going to fall. I’m tired of complaining about the navel gazing man pain and the spotlight episodes that feel like Guiding Light’s “Inside The Light” era. I’m tired of seeing actual good ideas getting executed poorly. I’m tired of him pulling something out of his ass annually to save his job.
This Matt Clark story is the worst of Josh’s hail mary attempts to keep his job. Even if you put aside how ridiculous it is that Matt is alive, the story is a mess and feels too repetitive to all his other job saving stories. The pitch for this story feels like this: “Another psycho from Sharon’s past returns! And he’s played by a soap vet! Another one of Sharon and Nick’s kids is kidnapped! This is also after yet another of Sharon and Nick’s kids is in a car accident! Is that enough?” And it will probably be enough since Josh is apparently unfire-able.
Alan’s Soap Box: The Case Against Josh Griffith (Again) – Top 10 Reasons Y&R Needs a New Regime
Best Head Writers: Eliabeth Korte and Chris Van Etten, General Hospital
I was very skeptical of these two as a team. Chris Van Etten came up with two of the worst stories in GH history with the creation of Peter August and being the one who thought Heather Webber’s insanity should be blamed on a hip replacement. Elizabeth Korte’s stint with Patrick Mulachey last year was the worst writing transition I’ve ever seen as a soap fan. Elizabeth and Patrick didn’t work well together and it felt like the left hand wasn’t talking to the right hand. All this made me think Elizabeth and Chris as a team would be a shit show. To my surprise, this is the best the show has been in years.
One of the complaints fans have had for years is that the cast is too big. Chris and Elizabeth have handled that by crafting stories that pull multiple characters in like the recent laboratory breakin where Rocco, Charlotte and Danny broke into Dalton’s lab and caused so much chaos. That story involved around twenty characters and resulted in Dalton’s dead body being placed in Laura’s car after Sidwell shot him. The beats of this story also involve Ric trying to make peace with his half-brother Sonny and Lulu getting closer with Nathan. Storytelling like this lessens storyline bubbles and heightens a soap feeling like a real community.
They’ve also upped the drama. Carly and Nina finally got to fight after years of animosity. Carly is also having family drama with Josslyn and Lucas while she plots revenge against her boyfriend Brennan. They have Drew existing as a walking and talking plot device to create conflict with literally half the cast.
There’s still things they need to work on. There’s too much arguing over children to the point that it can be overwhelming and annoying. Rory Gibson is probably tired of saying that Willow can never see the kids again. They also have a lack of popular couples and there should be more sex. Even with these issues, I still look forward to watching every day and it is the best of the five soaps right now. Thank you to Chris and Elizabeth for writing like they still want to be employed.
Alan’s Soap Box: Has General Hospital Fixed Michael With The Hiring of Rory Gibson
Weirdest Writing Choice on Beyond The Gates: The Writing for Eva and Kat
When Beyond The Gates started, I thought Eva was going to be in the Kendall Hart archetype. The vixen who comes to town to start trouble and eventually is accepted after years of turmoil. That isn’t exactly what we got. Other than Kat, Eva has been welcomed with open arms even with all the lies and underhanded tactics. It makes sense up until a point for Ted to defend her because of the guilt of not raising her. It makes less sense for Martin and Nicole to do so.
The contrast with how they treat Kat is stark. She’s expected to forgive and forget even with things like Eva sleeping with her boyfriend and helping Leslie get away with attempted murder. Martin is ready to cuss Kat out at the drop of a hat. If a bird were to shit on his car, I know that man would be calling her up to say that she was a bad influence on that bird and caused the defecation. Maybe if Kat was lucky Smitty would tell his husband that she doesn’t control the bowel movements of birds.
It was also deeply weird for Nicole to encourage Kat to stay with Tomas after he cheated with Eva. I know Michele Val Jean spent years at The Bold and the Beautiful so that will influence her writing, but Nicole has no reason to act like a B&B character right now. Nicole just divorced her husband for lies and infidelity. She shouldn’t be encouraging her daughter to stay in a toxic situation especially with a dud like Tomas and his broken penis.
I know Kat isn’t perfect. She is classist and a brat, but she should have a character or two in her corner. It would also benefit Eva if she had to fight more for acceptance. Characters like that need something to strive for. Just handing it to her feels unearned. Take the journey with the character.
Dumbest Character on Beyond The Gates: Doug
Doug really ruined his own life in a way that led to his demise. There was the gambling addiction where he got into crippling debt at the casino of known criminal Joey. There was him breaking his own hand when he’s a surgeon and then quitting that plum job. Oh, and there was neglecting his wife Vanessa to the point that she would seek the company of Latinos at the country club and also Joey. Finally, he went around telling people he wanted to take down the criminal that was schtupping his wife and that final act of idiocy ended his sad life as Joey had him killed.
Dumbest Character on The Bold and the Beautiful: Bill
Bill had a convicted killer living in his home instead of prison because he felt sorry for her because his daddy was mean to him. It honestly would have played better if Bill did it because he wanted to have sex with Luna because at least that would have made a sick sort of sense. Bill also got Luna pardoned for her crimes. What did Bill get for his? Well, Luna proceeded to shoot his son Liam and then raped his other son Will. What wonderful decision making! Though to be fair to Bill, that is about what I’d expect from a billionaire in real life.
Dumbest Character on Days of Our Lives: Tate
Tate was destined to be a moron. His father Brady has been stupid his entire life and his mother Theresa is certainly known for making bad decisions. That’s why it wasn’t super shocking that Tate was tricked twice by Sophia. First he was tricked into thinking he was the father of her baby and later he was tricked by the convoluted adoption scheme. He’s just going to spend the rest of his life getting tricked by women and he’ll never see it coming.
Dumbest Character on General Hospital: Rocco
Is it the kindest thing in the world to call a 15 year old boy dumb? I think most people would say no, but kind or not, Rocco is deeply stupid. They had him acting like Dante and Lulu doing IVF was just a whim and Britt was a hero for stealing him as an embryo so she could baby trap Patrick. She did something horrible to his parents, but Rocco didn’t care because he came out of her vagina. This led him to getting into contact with Britt’s mother Liesl who is a renowned criminal so he could ask her if Britt liked dogs. I wouldn’t have blamed Lulu and Dante if they had sent him to military school for that idiocy.
To be fair to Rocco, Sonny is his grandfather so he’s grown up with people soft pedaling criminal behavior. When you get told that your mob boss grandfather is a great guy because he was nice to a guy with AIDS in 1995, that could make you think other people doing horrible things are secret softies. Thus this leads Rocco to think that maybe supervillain Cesar Faison isn’t so bad. I low key blame Dante for this. If he had just let Sonny go to prison for shooting him, maybe Rocco wouldn’t be this stupid. I’m sure Rocco’s teachers love hearing about how maybe Jeffrey Dahmer wasn’t so bad and he was just a really creative cook.
Dumbest Character on The Young and the Restless: Cane
Why would someone think holding half the rich people in Genoa City hostage in France would be a good idea? Why would Cane think a cop from Wisconsin could help him if he thought someone was trying to kill him? This moronic thinking led to his man servant killing Damien and Chance and it is enraging that Cane has not paid for this. Though that whole mess has led to him sleeping with Phyllis, which some people would consider being involved with her to be a punishment.
Biggest Hypocrite: Michael, General Hospital
I want to be on Michael’s side so badly when it comes to the custody battle. He is correct that Willow isn’t making good decisions and isn’t putting the kids first. Then he’ll say something so hypocritical and insane that I can’t take him seriously. Here is a direct quote from an episode last week:
Michael: “I think my kids deserve better than a mother who attempted murder.”
Michael is saying this to Elizabeth, a woman who almost died because his sister Kristina cut the brakes on Ava’s car trying to kill her this year. Michael also witnessed his father shooting an FBI agent in the head on the property where his children live last year. Michael was able to say this with a straight face. Elizabeth could have slapped him and called him a dumbass and it would be hard to argue against it. I guess it makes sense that Michael has no self-awareness considering his mother is Carly. I just wish we could have someone saying this to Michael’s face because someone needs to tell him about himself.
The Brooke Logan Award for Achievement In Promiscuity: Vanessa, Beyond The Gates
Vanessa gets this honor not just for her affairs at the country club. She also had sex with a man not knowing that at that moment he was having her husband Doug killed. Talk about coming and going! And now she’s running a male escort service so she’s literally being a champion of promiscuity and female desire. Good for her!
Dumbest Fan Complaint: Days Fans Complaining About Bo and Hope Not Being Around Permanently
I understand the desire to have Bo and Hope as permanent fixtures. However, Days is poor. Really poor. Peter Reckell and Kristian Alfonso aren’t cheap. If they were to return on a multi-year contract, they’d either have to agree to pay cuts or the show would have to fire several cast members. The former is unlikely and the latter would be crippling to developing the next generation. Peacock isn’t going to give Days more money. They have to work within the means they have and the result is Bo and Hope showing up when the budget and scheduling allows for it. I think Bo and Hope being characters that pop in and out is better than Bo being dead or in a coma.
Best Asshole: Bill, Beyond The Gates
Bill is a scoundrel and a serial cheater. He has little to no morals. Yet I still like him. He does love his daughters despite being an iffy father at best. And I do believe he loves Dani. He was just so selfish that he always put himself first and he knew she’d let him do it because she was weak for him. It is a really interesting toxic dynamic.
Bill does know he’s an asshole. That’s the reason why he’s more likable than Ted. Ted thinks he’s a prize and anything bad he does is an understandable lapse in judgment and if you don’t forgive it, you are an ungrateful bitch. He’s a very whiny man. Ted has a shelf life where you could kill him off for maximum drama and it would serve the show well. Bill is the kind of asshole that works well on a soap opera.
Worst Asshole: Drew, General Hospital
Chris Van Etten and Elizabeth Korte have really made Drew so contemptible in a way that has really serviced stories and conflicts among characters. The problem is that he’s so unlikable that Drew has no future on this show. There’s no fans clamoring for him to be with their faves because he’s a weirdo who beefs with teens. Willow is with him, but she looks like she wants to hurl when she’s in the same room with him. They can’t use a brain tumor to get out of this because fans didn’t like Cameron Mathison’s Drew before they started writing him like Snidely Whiplash. They have to know this needs to reach the natural endpoint sooner or later and that endpoint involves an urn.
Best Turnaround of a Bad Story: Heather’s Hip Causes Trouble For Portia and Curtis, General Hospital
Heather’s hip replacement turning her crazy doesn’t need to be re-litigated as a terrible story. Everyone knows it was hated and it helped start the ratings cratering in spring 2024. There’s a reason why you haven’t seen Heather since they sent her off the canvas with Steven Lars. They want fans to be less upset about that story before you ever see her again.
Chris Van Etten and Elizabeth Korte took his inexcusably horrible idea and used it for actual good drama. Portia changing the test results to try to keep Heather in prison led to Drew blackmailing her and Portia and Nina doing hilarious things like having escort Jacinda drug him. This also led to Portia lying to Curtis and starting the dissolution of their marriage and Portia not knowing who the father of her baby is after sleeping with Isaiah the night Drew was shot.
I do think it is progressive that Curtis and Portia are being treated like their white peers. Curtis gets to act like Ridge Forrester and be confused about which woman he wants to sleep with. Portia gets to join the list of white women like Reva Shayne, Nicole Walker and Carly Spencer who were also pregnant at 50 years old. Black women don’t get to give birth on soaps that often so I’m willing to go along with Portia’s uterus having a final hurrah. I do wish Isaiah would be the father, but he’s an underdeveloped new character and Curtis has been around a decade. The writing is on the wall on that front.
Weirdest Writing Choice On The Young and the Restless: Talking About Aristotle Dumas For Months
There were multiple options for this category. I could have talked about killing three characters off and having no funerals for them. I could have talked about Mariah kissing and almost killing some old man and putting Tessa with Daniel when she said she’s gay in 2019. That isn’t getting chosen because that’s wildly offensive and not just weird. Having basically the whole town just sit around and talk about an offscreen character for months is weird.
I understand that this happened because they couldn’t get Billy Flynn as soon as they thought they would. Yet having to hear about Aristotle Dumas for months made fans resent him before he even aired, so it just added to the list of things going against Billy as Cane. It would have been smarter to put the story on ice for a bit and return to it when he was available. Not a smart way to introduce a big new hire.
Best Actress In a Shitty Story: Lisa Yamada in Looney Luna, The Bold and the Beautiful
Would I say Lisa Yamada got great material? No. Yet she did get material and she played it wonderfully. Asian actors on soaps usually don’t get many chances to show they can act before they are unceremoniously fired. Shows aren’t invested in them. Yet when Brad Bell decided Luna should be a psycho, it gave Lisa a chance to show that she is a great actress and now she’s a Daytime Emmy winner. Hopefully more Asian actors can get the chance and not necessarily have to play a murderous rapist. And if Lisa ever returns to daytime, the show should give her the material that is worthy of her talent.
Actresses That I’d Love To See Soap Hop: Camryn Grimes and Cait Fairbanks, The Young and the Restless
Since it seems like CBS and Sony are unwilling to fire Josh Griffith, I’d love to see Camryn Grimes and Cait Fairbanks flee Y&R. I’d take either one of them as the new Sasha on GH. Or maybe the new Abigail on Days. The point is that both of them deserve better than they are getting and if an opportunity to leave presents itself, they should run like they are Laura Wright in 2005 when she sensed Guiding Light wasn’t long for this world and an opportunity to be the female lead of General Hospital opened up. Soap hopping is a risk, but I seriously think it might be worth taking for them.
Dispatches From Soap Land
*I’m glad Willow’s trial is happening this month on GH. Presumably we should find out who shot Drew because that story has been dragging for a mystery where the victim didn’t die.
*I’m really excited for Dan Gauthier as Peter Blake on Days. I really enjoyed him as Kevin Buchanan on One Life to Live and I’m pleased he’s finally returning to soaps.
*I’m dreading Hope and Liam remarrying on B&B. Hopefully Hope gets to cheat first this time. I’d prefer it to be with Thomas, but since Matthew Atkinson allegedly doesn’t want to do stories like that anymore so I’m open to Hope being unfaithful with anyone else. Hope could have an affair with the mailman and I’d cheer her on. Once you cheat on your wife because you see a man kissing a mannequin of her, she gets to cheat as much as she wants as far as I’m concerned.
