RAW Recap: 3/18/13

michael dworkis returns to RAW…

Who the hell is Rufus “Pancake” Patterson?? It’s Titus O’Neal dressed in pajamas and an afro. They interrupt, thankfully a long winded John Cena promo which we have never heard before. Cena had some awesome matches, but when he goes back to the boring ol’ promos, it makes me sigh and whine. Apparently Titus now has some weird old man gimmick.

Did I miss something? Darren Young is his nephew? He’s collecting social security and going to bingo? Seriously, DID I MISS SOMETHING!?!?

John Cena defeats Darren Young in a Squash
Yep. Cena beats Young. Nothing special. Nothing fancy.

Ryback defeats David Otunga in the second squash of the night
Well, this lasted all of three minutes or less. Post match, Mark Henry arrives with Teddy Long and Vickie Guerrero who informs Ryback that he will face Henry at WrestleMania.

Coming up tonight: Undertaker speaks, Triple H and Brock sign their contract, CM Punk talks about stealing the Urn, and Fandango once again will likely grace us with nothing.

Right now, the trailer for Olympus Has Fallen has been more entertaining with Raw. What is going here?

Fandango vs. The Great Khali
Well, great. He finally wrestles and it is against… The Great Khali. Oy Gevalt. Oh for the love of… Natalya is with Khali? Are they still doing this crap? Give her the farting gimmick again. Please, that would be light years of an improvement than hanging with this Punjabi Putz.
Oh look, Fandango runs. Again. Well, I thought this would increase his heel potential, but even my wife now tires of this gimmick. If she does not care, then chances are no one else does. He leaves with the fans chanting “You Can’t Wrestle.”

Sadly, until proven otherwise, I would have to agree with the WWE Universe.

R-Truth vs. Damien Sandow
Sandow comes to the ring, demanding SILENCE! He educated the clearly immature and academically challenged crowd. However, his educational dialogue is counter by R-Truth and his very own poem:
Your beard is weird
You talk a lot
I got four words for you
You Gone Get Got.
Wow. That was juvenile. Truth and Sandow had a decent match, Sandow dominating until Truth pumped up and returned the offensive. For some reason Sandow bails from the ring and Truth wins by countout.
Winner by Total Confusion: R-Truth

Post match, backstage: Cody Rhodes and the Bella Twins watch that travesty unfold. The girls fawn over the Mustache of Magnificence, while Kaitlyn tells Cody they cannot hang out later because she has “a thing.” She then tells off Rhodes and the Bellas. When did they have a thing?!

Up Next: Undertaker speaks!!

I was a bit disappointed I could not recap last week. The passing of Paul Bearer was pretty upsetting to me, and the tribute they did on RAW was incredibly awesome. The gimmick of CM Punk interrupting the tribute, the battle with Kane, and his stealing of the Urn was executed with such perfection. Only Punk, Kane, and Undertaker could have pulled an amazing storyline like that. No one but CM Punk could have been so evil, so sinister in his actions. Why? It was more than actions, it was the words which came from Punk throughout the night.

Paul Bearer, his legacy as manager of both Undertaker and Kane, the keeper of the Urn was such an integral part of WWF/WWE history.

Undertaker comes down to the ring, and gets to the point. He plans on inflicting pain and hurt upon CM Punk, for stealing the Urn. Punk immediately interrupts via Titantron, and while juggling the Urn like a member of the Harlem Globetrotters, gave another smash hit of a promo. He points out that while Undertaker answers to a higher power, CM Punk does not, because he IS the higher power. Punk promises to be the one to end the streak, to be the one in 20-and-1. Incredible promo by Punk.

I would like to point out, it is ONLY 9pm at this point, and we have four matches done and one of the main “promos” of the night over-with. There must be something big happening later. I feel like this show is being rushed for some reason.

The Colons vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Team Hell No (non-title)
Primo and Epico on Raw! Hooray!! These guys are so talented, they need more time on Raw. Daniel Bryan takes control from the get-go, barraging both Primo and Epico with flurries of kicks and running takedowns. The Colons manage to double-team Bryan and take over the match. Bryan manages to hot tag to Kane who makes like a house of fire and blazes through everyone. Kane poised to win, but then AJ for some odd reason comes out and starts skipping around the ring, but the distraction goes unsuccessful and Kane choke slams Primo for the win.
Winners by Pinfall: Team Hell No

Let’s see… AJ interfering, my guess is setting up a Tag Team Championship match between Team Hell No (both being ex-lovers of AJ), against Dolph Ziggler and Big E. Langston since all four of those high profile superstars have yet to find a WrestleMania slot. While I normally would love to see that match, I would rather see a Fatal-Four Way Elimination match of the tag titles featuring champions Team Hell No defend against The Prime Time Players, The Colons, and The Usos.

Backstage: Fandango interrupts Jericho. After Jericho purposely botches his name over-and-over, Fandango leaves. Jericho is upset, “Wait! I want to order movie tickets!” About time someone made that obvious joke.

Cody Rhodes vs. World Heavyweight Champion Alberto del Rio (non-title)
Love the Mustache. Del Rio starts the bout working over the arm of Rhodes, but Rhodes counters move for move. Great start. Rhodes hurls Del Rio into the corner and keeps the champion down. Rhodes working over the champ, throwing him into the corner again but Del Rio counters a charge with a flapjack. Rhodes unfazed, counters a suplex into a vertical on of his own and regains the match flow. Continuing to wear down the Mexican Aristocrat with a head-scissor-lock, and then rams Del Rio shoulder-first into the ring post. Back from a commercial, Rhodes still dominates, but Rio comes back, flooring Rhodes hard, and goes for a top rope moonsault!! He misses, and Rhodes nearly decapitates him with a massive running lariat! Rhodes keeping the world champ on the mat, wearing him down by working over the leg now. Wow, great match between Cody Rhodes and Alberto del Rio. Now, Rhodes takes Alberto to the top rope, and attempts a superplex but del Rio counters and takes down Mr. Mustache with a face-first suplex off the top! Rio hulking up, cracking Rhodes in the face with a running superkick! Pinfall attempt, and a kick out at two. Rio goes for the cross-arm breaker, but Rhodes counters, and leaps to the top turnbuckle for a moonsault of his own! He hits! He covers! Only a two count! Both men hammering away, Del Rio scores with the backstabber, but again Rhodes comes back with a running knee, but misses and crashes into the corner. Del Rio floats over, locks on what I call the Work of Art (cross-armbreaker), forcing Rhodes to tap out.
Winner via Submission in a Fantastic Match: Alberto del Rio

Post match: Swagger beats down del Rio, then appears to break Ricardo’s ankle with the Patriot Act ankle lock. Fans chanting “USA” and “We The People” over and over… I am wondering if Swagger is getting over more than Del Rio now. This was a great match, and the beatdown by Swagger on Del Rio and Ricardo was perfectly executed. Now RAW has picked up a bit.

The Next Inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2013: BOOKER T
I am sure many raised an eyebrow, but I for one believe this is well deserved. You can either look up on Wikipedia as to why he deserves this honor, or you can wait until later this week when I post my thoughts as to why he deserves this honor. Now Can You Dig That?
SUCKAAAAA!

Sheamus & Randy Orton make short work of 3MB
Post match The Shield attempts to strike, but Big Show comes in and scares them away. He points to the WrestleMania 29 sign, makes a funny nod to Sheamus and Orton, then leaves. Looks like we will get Show teaming with Orton and Sheamus after all. I am guessing my hopeful heel-turn of Orton may not be happening as soon as I had hoped.

Dolph Ziggler defeated Kofi Kingston
Before the match, we get clips from SmackDown showing the altercation between Hell No and Stable Ziggler.
Great match. Too short. Both men put on a hell of a clinic. Kingston had the match in his hands until Big E clobbered him as he made a running dive off the apron. Ziggler spikes Kingston with the Zig Zag to end it. Great match, again two super talented people who need to be main eventing more often. After the match, Kane and Bryan come out and challenge Ziggler and Langston to a tag team match. AJ Lee speaks for her stable, saying they agree, only if they put the Tag Team Championships on the line at WrestleMania. Well, Bryan speaks for his team, answering with “YES! YES! YES!”

Another great match for Mania! Again, I would have liked to see more of the actual teams compete for the titles, but hey, I wanted something great for these four guys, and I am getting it.

Promo for upcoming Triple H and Brock Lesnar contact signing. Guess that is the main event. Huh.

Long boring promo-hype for Rock vs. Cena II. Where is Michael McGillicutty?

The REAL Main Event for RAW:
Intercontinental Championship Match: Wade Barrett defends against The Miz and Chris Jericho

Jericho and Miz rid the ring of Barrett early, but before the two fan-favorites can get far, Barrett returns to fight back. Jericho scores a plancha on everyone on the arena floor. Barrett regains momentum and beats Miz mercilessly in a corner. Before Barrett can do any damage, Jericho rushes in, and as Barrett suplexes Miz off the top turnbuckle, Jericho slams Barrett backwards with an electric chair drop. So everyone goes down as we head to commercial break. Oh look, GI Joe 2.

We return to Barrett unable to pin Jericho, so he beats the Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots host up some more. Miz rejoins the fray, colliding with Jericho, sending Y2J back on the outside to nap. Barrett still maintains control, until Miz counters and locks Barrett into the Figure Four Leglock. Barrett appears to tap but Jericho breaks it all up with a Lionsault. Miz rolls away and Y2J now locks on the Walls of Jericho on Barrett. Miz breaks that up, and they send Barrett crashing to the floor. Roll up attempt by Jericho and Miz kicks out. Jericho hits the codebreaker, but Miz kicks out again. Barrett tries to interfere, but he is dumped to the floor, again. Miz rebounds and plants Jericho with a DDT. Miz rushes the corner, but Jericho moves, runs the ropes, drop-kicking Barrett off the apron, again, but that allows Miz to deliver a huge boot to Jericho, but still cannot get the three count. Jericho attempts a pin, Miz counters and spikes Jericho with the Skull Crushing Finale! Barrett back in the ring, he rolls up the Miz and gets the surprise three-count to retain the title!
Winner and Still Intercontinental Champion: Wade Barrett

Thoughts: WrestleMania Rematch Please?

Promo for the movie The Call featuring Halle Berry and … David Otunga? Yes. The Harvard Law Grad plays a cop in this movie. Geezuz.

Wow. WWE shows Touts from the UGLIEST people I have ever seen. Where is Cody Rhodes and his old paper-bag-over-the-head gimmick when you need it?

Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar in a Pen on a Pole Match. First man to sign the contract gets to angrily stare down his opponent first.
Well, here is the scripted main event for WWE Monday Night Raw. There is no pen-on-a-pole match, but that would have been better than another talky-talky segment. Triple H comes down first, and next is Paul Heyman with a bunch of security people. Trips calls Brock a coward for not showing up right away. Heyman informs HHH is a fool, and that Brock is “Beast Incarnate.” Sigh … getting bored here. So, there is a stipulation before we even get to the contract, that Triple H has to sign it before the match stipulations are revealed. Heyman taunts HHH by saying he might be in a blindfold match, or Triple H might have to fight handcuffed. Heyman wants to make this personal so he wants The Game to put Stephanie on the line. Then again, the loser should get her. That sets HHH off and he beats up all security people and then puts Heyman on the table while choking him. Triple H slaps Heyman over and over. Heyman is bloody. Look at that. Triple H signs the paper on top of the battered Heyman. Triple H signs, and then appears to stab Heyman with the pen. Brock finally makes his appearance and beats the crap out of the entrance ramp with a chair. HHH is prepared, and he has his sledgehammer waiting for Brock. I really cannot believe I typed so much for his drawn-out segment. Before the show closes, we finally learn what this stipulation is going to be. At WrestleMania, Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar …

… In a No Holds Barred match, where Triple H puts his career on the line. So, if Brock wins, he becomes the new COO of WWE Corporate?

A lot of boring segments and short matches tonight. I felt the show was rushed in order to push along WrestleMania matches and get some feuds going, but there could have been a better way to space out everything.