Review: Priest

daniel cohen reviews the new summer flick starring Paul Bettany …

Plot: After the Priests ended the war between man and vampire, they were forced to live in obscurity. When one of the Priest’s (Paul Bettany) niece (Lily Collins) is kidnapped by a group of vampires, the Priest goes against the Church on a mission to recover her along with a local officer (Cam Gigandet). While on the mission, they discover a deeper vampire plot that goes beyond kidnapping.

Predictable. Boring. Lazy. Uninteresting. Cliché. Uninspired. Those are just some of the words to describe Priest. There are no terrible elements to this film, but sometimes it’s worse to just go through the motions. They don’t attempt anything remotely interesting. Not even the fight scenes are good! Everyone from the director (Scott Charles Stewart) to the acting is on auto-pilot. But the guy we have to start with, the central problem, is none other then Paul Bettany.

It’s amazing to me what a lack of charisma and energy this guy has. He could put a 3-year-old to sleep at a candy factory. He grumbles through this movie with such little effort that it became kind of fascinating. I was fixated on how little he cared about this project. When I look at his name now, I’ll probably start to fall asleep just by reading it.

The rest of the acting is pretty bland and forgettable. Christopher Plummer makes an appearance, but he’s on cruise control. The two people who actually bring something to the table are Karl Urban and Maggie Q. Urban’s villain is at least mildly entertaining, and Maggie Q brings a little punch as a Priestess. They were actually trying.

The predictability of the film was infuriating. There are so many big plot elements that you can easily decipher in the first ten minutes. And not only that, it’s got some of the worst jump scares of all time. There’s a scene at a small house with a family sitting quietly by the fire, when suddenly there’s a loud noise. The father gets up slowly to investigate as the wife looks worried. The father looks out the window, retorts “I don’t see anything,” and then not even a second goes by where some lame vampire monster jumps through the window, roaring obnoxiously. Wow. PATHETIC. There are plenty more jump scares just like this. No effort whatsoever.

Was there anything I liked? The look of the film is pretty good. It’s got that wasteland post-apocalyptic feel that always looks good on film. The main city looks like Midgar from Final Fantasy VII. We barely spend anytime here though.

The fighting and action is bland and boring for the most part, but the climax on the train is decent. The movie desperately needed more action though, because it certainly has no idea how to emote or create character development. And a story about priests fighting vampires isn’t going to hold your interest.

There’s no original thought here, and it even rips off films like Blade, a movie series I have a lot of respect for. And when the vampires turn into monsters, they look exactly like the Rancor from Return Of The Jedi, except a lot smaller and a lot less cool. Seriously Priest, don’t bring in something awesome like the Rancor into your crappy movie.

This film just pissed me off because of how lazy it was. It’s got this droning effect on you that is just hard to sit through. It’s a real chore. And what’s worse is that they set up for a sequel at the end. Wow …really? I can’t imagine the producers actually think there’s going to be a sequel to this. The thought of sitting through a Priest 2 is horrifying. And I’m not alone as the audience I saw this with looked pissed at the end, and I can’t remember a time where there were more bathroom breaks throughout a film.

This movie blows bags.

Rating: 3.5 out of 10 (Atrocious)