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The Best Kills of Friday the 13th

ann hale looks at the best deaths in the legendary horror series…

When people think of horror, they think of the great slashers-Jason, Freddy, Michael, Ghostface, and Leatherface. There is an entire franchise built around these guys because of one thing: kills. The stories are stupid and the acting is almost always horrible but the elaborate and brutal murders these slashers perform are enough to keep horror fans coming back for more

In 1957, Jason Voorhees drowned to death in Crystal Lake because his camp counselors were busy having sex instead of life guarding. A year later, Mrs. Voorhees took her revenge on the camp by killing the guilty parties. Years later, when the camp is reopened in 1980, Mrs. Voorhees returns to continue her revenge on Jason’s birthday, Friday the 13th. When she is ultimately killed by Alice, the sole survivor of the Crystal Lake Massacre, Jason comes back to life to avenge his mother.

Today we celebrate the “unluckiest” day of the year with my top ten unluckiest victims of Jason and Pamela Voorhees

10. Julius gets his head punched off in Jason Takes Manhattan: After escaping the party boat of doom, Julius takes on Jason on a roof top in Manhattan. He does a great job of holding his own but one good hit from Jason and Julius loses his head.

9. Jack (Kevin Bacon) gets an arrow through the throat in Part I: Mrs. Voorhees doesn’t like sexually active teenagers for understandable reasons. Perhaps this is why Jack gets stabbed with an arrow through the throat after he’s done stabbing his girlfriend.

8. Jimmy (Crispin Glover) gets a corkscrew to the hand and a meat cleaver to the face in Part IV: Poor nerdy Jimmy. He’s an atrocious dancer and a giant dork, but that doesn’t stop him from scoring with one of the hot identical twins. When he goes into the kitchen to grab a celebratory bottle of wine, poor Jimmy takes a cleaver to the face.

7. Melissa opens the door and gets an axe to the head in Part VII: Melissa likes Nick. Nick likes Tina. Therefore, Melissa hates Tina. Melissa is a bitch. So, when Nick attempts to warn her about Jason, she doesn’t listen. When she opens the front door to leave, she takes an axe to the head from Jason, who was waiting outside.

6. Adrienne’s face gets frozen and then smashed to bits in Jason X:-After several attempts to kill Jason fail, he is cryogenically frozen. In 2455, Earth is unlivable and its inhabitants are moving to Earth 2. For whatever reason, a group of students take Jason’s body onto their ship to study him. When Adrienne is told to dissect him, Jason returns to life only to shove her head into a sink full of liquid nitrogen and then smashes her face on the counter. Guess she really goes to pieces over him.

5. Nikki’s face gets smashed into the wall of an RV in Part VI After having sex, Cort heads to the front of the RV where he blares some Alice Cooper on the radio. Unable to scream loud enough for Cort to hear, not that it would’ve done any good, Nikki falls victim to Jason, who slams her face into the wall so hard that it actually leaves an indent in the shape of her face.

4. Vera takes a flying spear to the eye in Part III: Arguably the coolest character in Part III, Vera’s death was a sad one. This isn’t to say that it wasn’t awesome. Since III is in 3D, Jason shoots his spear gun directly at the audience but it ultimately hits Vera in the eye.

3. Trey gets folded in half in Freddy vs Jason: Once again, Jason takes a victim post-coital. Trey, the misogynist boyfriend of Gibb, makes her take a shower after sex because she “smells.” When he reaches for his beer, he returns to find Jason standing next to the bed. After stabbing Trey numerous times with a machete, Jason folds the bed in half like a slice of pizza…bloody, bloody pizza.

2. Judy, inside her sleeping bag, gets swung into a tree in Part VII: The New Blood: Like a small child hiding under the covers, Judy slinks inside her sleeping bag to escape Jason. Unswayed by the “If I cant see you, you cant see me” mind set that Judy is obviously in, Jason grabs her sleeping bag, with her inside, and swings her into a tree like hes beating a dirty rug.

1. Mark gets the machete to the face in Part II: In my opinion, Mark’s death is by far the most ruthless kill Jason performs. Confined to a wheelchair after a motorcycle accident, Mark finally has the opportunity to get laid. When Vickie goes to get cleaned up, Mark waits for her at the lodge. When she hasn’t returned after awhile, Mark wheels himself outside to look for her. This is when Jason slams a machete so hard into his face that he goes flying backwards down a flight of stairs. While hilarious, this death just proves how vicious Jason really is.

Happy Friday the 13th everyone. For your safety, avoid camp sites, alcohol, drugs, sex, loud music and anything else fun. Stay in groups, stay indoors and stay alive.

Ann Hale
Ann Hale
Just a giant nerd in love with horror, 80's action flicks, Star Wars and Harry Potter. Hit me up on Twitter or Instagram @scarletjupiter to talk horror or just to browse the horror collection.

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