Monday Night RAW Report…
I must begin with fantastic news. The Great Khali is NO LONGER with WWE. His profile has been moved to the “Alumni” section of the website. Confirmed on various dirtsheets, stating his contract expired and both parties opted not to renew.
YES! YES! YES!
Announced on WWE.com, for Survivor Series is a Fatal Four Way Tag Team Title match, The Usos defending the championships against Los Matadores, The Dusts, and The Mizs.
The hype begins with who is actually on Team Cena. We know he has Big Show, Dolph Ziggler, and Sheamus. He still needs someone else. A teased injury takes place, so then the team is down to three. Maybe Cena needs to bring in Zack Ryder, Titus O’Neal, and maybe Tyson Kidd. Hell, lead a team of mid-card residents to a main event. I’d watch.
I would have mentioned other underutilized mid-carders, but Kofi Kingston, Big E. Langston, R-Truth, and Xavier Woods are forming their own stable. WWE decided the race card is totally the right way to go these days.
We begin RAW with Team Authority, Alexander Rusev, Luke Harper, Mark Henry, Kane, and the Captain of the crew, Seth Rollins. Triple H breaking the fourth wall a bit by citing how now Vince McMahon is beloved by all, yet years ago he was the “evil” Mr. McMahon just because he ran the company with an iron fist, much in the same way The Authority does now, because, unlike WCW, they do not let “inmates run the asylum.” Triple H then goes on a tirade about how we remember WCW, “you know, the company we bought at auction…”
Wow.
They bring up Ryback, which then means he comes out. Crowd gives him HUGE “Feed Me More” chants. Stephanie taunts the Big Guy with clips of altercations with John Cena from well over a year ago during their feud over the WWE Championship. Ryback doesn’t buy it, and he concludes with proclaiming his loyalty to one team… “Team Ryback.” So, not only have we forgotten the past year of his residence within mid-card hell, we are also reminded he complete and utter failure to improve his mic skills.
In any case, Team Authority kicks off with Luke Harper vs. Dolph Ziggler, and guess what, the Intercontinental Championship is on the line! Ziggler is blindsided by J&J Security (Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble), and then clobbered by Seth Rollins for the exclamation point. Then they finally ring the bell, allowing Harper to blast Ziggles with the big running boot. Ziggler kicks out! Harper then plants the champ with a massive sit-out powerbomb, but Ziggs kicks out again! We then get a stellar match between them. So many times you just thought Ziggler would retain, but Harper counters a superkick into a Discus Lariat, earning him the pinfall and championship victory.
Luke Harper, ladies and germs, is your New Intercontinental Champion.
Where was John Cena to make the save?
I absolutely refuse to acknowledge “Grumpy Cat” is on RAW this week. To make it worse, Miz and Mizdow arrive to pitch a movie idea. Oh crap in a hat.
Speaking of crap. Tyson Kidd once again defeats Adam Rose. That’s the saving grace. The crap overflows as The Bunny attempts to hit on Natalya, but the distraction is what causes the loss. Post match, Adam Rose tries to attack Mr. Bunny, but winds up getting dry humped over and over. This… Is pathetic.
Anyone notice Rose is starting to look more like his Leo Kruger persona from NXT?
Bray Wyatt arrives in the ring to throw more cerebral challenges towards Dean Ambrose. This time, Wyatt is interrupted by the crazy carnage captain on the titantron who slyly lets everyone know he taped his part on a cell phone an hour ago. Lights go on, and Ambrose is in the ring wailing away on Bray. Nice turn of events, and I just love this feud.
We are informed Dolph Ziggler was escorted out of the arena to receive medical attention. Team Cena is falling apart now, isn’t it?
Have we even seen John Cena yet?
Ryback comes out, and his opponent is Cesaro. This is great, we get to watch Cesaro completely show off his incredible strength and in-ring ability, throwing the Big Guy around like a crash-test-dummy. Can you say quadruple German Suplex? No? Well good, because Cesaro launched Ryback about five or six times, and cracked him with two stiff European Uppercuts. Ryback was no slouch either, he freakin’ brutalized Cesaro with powerslams and massive spinning powerbomb. I cannot believe I am about to type this, but Ryback and Cesaro put on, what should have been the main event match of RAW. I am not making this up, they put on a goddamn wrestling clinic. Ryback won after countering into Shellshock, but damn was it awesome.
Still wondering, where was John Cena when all this Authority business is going on?
The toilet overflows as Miz and Sandow pitch a movie idea where Miz remains alive to do the sequel. Erick Rowan shows up, and I was praying to Primus almighty he would attempt to eat it. I would have bought the WWE Network for a year if they let him. Instead he took Mizdow’s plushie cat. Why is Rowan getting the big-softy-gimmick? Why? He and Harper were monsters I the ring, and now Harper is Intercontinental Champion! Come on WWE, you can come up with something better?
At least Cena could get just one segment with this damn Grumpy Cat.
Lana and Rusev come out to do the usual gloating shpiel, but are interrupted by Uncle Sam Heath Slater who calls Rusev a “Son of a *****” as WWE did go and bleep Slater out. He gets mauled and crushed. Because he had any better chance than Zack Ryder. It probably should have been Zack Ryder for the 72nd time but maybe he missed the flight over, or reconsidered his career options.
John Cena did not come to save Heath Slater.
Stephanie interrupts Big Show in the ring to hawk over the free month of WWE Network and Survivor Series, by saying how she watched the Monday Night War special and how Big Show was completely mishandled in WCW. She then offers Big Show the chance to ditch Team Cena and become the first active competitor to be inducted into the 2015 Hall of Fame. Sheamus interrupts. Stephanie tries really hard to get them to leave Team Cena by threatening to have Sheamus deported. She then books a match between Big Show and Sheamus, and the winner will face Brock Lesnar for the WWE Championship. Hahahaha, yeah right. Brock didn’t sign on for that, if he was watching RAW at all, he might have just said “screw this, I’m going back to football.” Show and Sheamus put on a really good match. Rusev and Mark Henry arrive to spoil the party. Sheamus earns a World’s Strongest Slam through the announce table while Rusev locks Show in the Accolade.
Huh, John Cena did not save the day here either… Is he even on the show at all?
Announced: WADE BARRETT RETURNS! Bad News Barrett will host the Survivor Series pre-show panel with… The Rabbi of Wrestling, Paul Heyman. Holy crap that is a must watch.
Man, they really are pushing this whole “let’s convince everyone to jump ship off the team going against the heels” bit. Because they’ve never done that before. Although I give credit, this year WWE got a bit more creative about it, which has been much better than the past few years of dismal Survivor Series hype.
Brie Bella comes out to the theme of AJ Lee, and dressed like her too. Nikki enters and it’s announced this is an “exhibition” match. Whatever. AJ Lee then skips out to join commentary, and all anyone can focus on is the distinguishing difference between the Bellas, which is Nikki sticking her chest out as far it can go before the laces on her top slip apart. In a case of no one cares, AJ distracts Nikki, allowing Brie to roll up her sister for the win. AJ then lays them both out. Hooray. Lots of CM Punk chants. Speaking of whom, he’s still featured in WWE2K15!
For a moment, I thought we’d get a Cena appearance here. Thought the chances were higher because this has nothing to do with his match at Survivor Series.
Another “It’s a New Day” promo is shown, featuring Big E. Langston. Oh boy. It’s the Nation of Domination, Church Edition!
We go backstage to Ryback, and OH MY GOD IT’S JOHN CENA! He was backstage this whole time! Holy crap folks! He tries to sell Ryback on joining his team. Considering the rest of his team is dead, he might want to try recruiting some more people.
Our next match is Miz, Mizdow, Goldust and Stardust against The Usos and Los Matadores, but the crowd only wanted Mizdow in the ring. Every time a heel went for a tag, crowd booed when it wasn’t Damien Sandow who got the tag. This guy is so over right now it is hysterical. Who would have thought the insane antics of copying every hand motion from the Miz would catapult Sandow back into the hearts of fans everywhere. Mizdow got zero time in the ring, so he wound up taking huge bumps whenever Miz did. Stardust picked up the win after Jey Uso accidentally superkick a Matador, allowing Starry to hit Dark Matter for the win. Good, fast paced match.
Recap of The Authority systematically sending all the members of Team Cena to the hospital. John Cena meets the entire Team Authority in the middle of the ring and cuts a scathing promo on how each member will be eliminated, referencing Sexual Chocolate. Stephanie slaps Cena, prompting the inevitable brawl, and out comes Dolph Ziggler and Big Show as backup. Suddenly ERICK ROWAN joins them. After a few tense silent moments, CESARO hits the ring, but taunts Cena as he sides with The Authority. Just then we hear Feed… Me… More, and Ryback charges the ring and the brawl is underway with Team Cena gaining the upper hand to close the show.
Erick Rowan joining Team Cena was a big surprise, and boy was Luke Harper’s eyeballs bulging out of his skull.
I really hate when Michael Cole says “_____ is still alive!” What, someone is going to die on live television? Seriously? Lawler using a line from Jim Ross tonight, “knocking out a bicuspid.” JBL is the only original one since he sounds intoxicated by the time the first hour is over. Interesting way to close the show and to make the big push for this Sunday.
I had hoped four NXT guys would have been Team Cena, as a true “Team of the Future” type gimmick. Ah well.
Oh, not to be a dark cloud or anything, but Survivor Series is in St. Louis.
Randy Orton town.
