Alan’s Soap Box: 5 Things I Want From Each Soap in 2021

With the nightmare year that was 2020 over, let’s make this month’s column about five things I want from each soap in 2021. I know I’ll be lucky if I get even two of these things, but I like to dream big.

The Bold and The Beautiful:

1. Kill Liam. I know asking for Liam to die on B&B is like asking for Santa for a lap dance and world peace, but I still wish for it. He’s by far the most hated character on the show and creatively there’s very little left to do with him. He’s been by playing the same story for a decade. Even when Hope was gone, Brad Bell would slot in women to be the de facto replacement in the triangle. So even without Hope, Liam has been perpetually in a triangle since 2011.

I know people will point out that triangles are the bedrock of the show, but this triangle is just demeaning for both women. How can you forgive a man who clearly enjoys toying with two women? Sure, he’ll cry and apologize and swear it will never happen again, but it never stops. A man being emotionally abusive is not entertaining to me. B&B has surpassed the need for Liam.

2. Stop Segregating all the Black characters. It is 2021. You shouldn’t have all the Black people shuffled off in some B story that it is obvious the show is doing to say “See? We have Black people! Now stop complaining.” This is better than just having all the Black people sitting around and talking about the white people’s drama, but not by much. Mix it up. Have Carter find out about Zoe and Zende and have a one night stand with Katie. Or maybe even add the Black characters into scenes with the white characters the show actually cares about.

3. Break up Brooke and Ridge. Katherine Kelly Lang and Thorsten Kaye only have chemistry when Brooke and Ridge don’t like each other. Otherwise, they are a snoozefest. It is time to bring on a new man for Brooke that she actually has chemistry with and doesn’t know what any of her sisters look like naked.

It would be very easy to give Finn a father that is handsome and distinguished and preferably not gruff like your alcoholic uncle. Then, put him with Brooke. It has been years since Brooke has seen a new penis. Let her see a new penis, Brad Bell!

4. Recast Zende. How do I put this politely? Delon de Metz is terrible and should be fired immediately. He’s stiff, he has no chemistry with anyone and he’s not soap stud material. I’m sure there are lots of unemployed Black actors in LA better suited to the role and acting in general.

5. Tell a Story That isn’t About a Relationship. This show desperately needs a different flavor in the mix. Love will always be the bread and butter of soaps, but it is hard to invest in couples on this show when they get together and break up very quickly. I’d prefer a story or three that wasn’t about that. There’s more than one type of soap story out there and this show needs more variety.

They could play out corporate intrigue at Forrester Creations. Or have Sheila return and lock Quinn in a cage and look right into the camera and say her serving breadsticks at a restaurant never happened. I’d even take a murder mystery. I just want a story that doesn’t involve people talking about an affair that happened because an addled Thomas tongued a mannequin.

Days of Our Lives:

1. No More Rape Stories. If the majority of your female cast has been raped, that’s a problem. Days has been telling rape stories since the ’60s when Bill Horton raped his sister-in-law Laura and got her pregnant. She even yearned for him after the rape and married him in 1974. This was the start of Days telling rape stories distastefully and it continued from there.

Even if they were all told wonderfully and sensitively, which is not the case, the sheer amount of rape on this show is uncomfortable. Yes, rape is a reality for a lot of women, but if I can only name a few women on the show who haven’t been raped or sexually assaulted, that demonstrates a preoccupation with it that is creepy. Rape is a horrific assault. Not a plot device.

2. Charlie Has to Die. I’ve seen people on Twitter saying they’d like for him to be reformed and I always recoil when I see that. Salem has enough reformed rapists. This one needs to go to Soap Hell in a murder mystery. I don’t want to see him hanging ornaments on the Horton Christmas tree or romancing anyone.

3. Bring on Phillip and Mimi’s son Tyler. He is a blank slate and there’s drama that could be played with his conception only happening because a mysterious individual (EJ with gloved hands) switched the samples when Phillip/Belle and Shawn/Mimi were going through IVF. What has Tyler been up to since he was adopted? Does he know about Phillip and Mimi? These are questions that need to be answered.

4. Put Kate with Roman. She’s almost 70 and it is time for her to settle down into one pairing. Roman makes the most sense. They have kids together, and it is the only pairing that fans like of Josh Taylor’s Roman. And maybe if she’s with Roman, she’ll remember she has kids and that none of them are Chad.

5. One New Character That isn’t Related to Anyone. Days has this habit of introducing a character and then revealing via retcon that they are the long lost kid of [insert character]. They have way too many retcon characters. And with the twisted family trees on Days, it makes pairing people difficult. You always have to think if people are related before suggesting a pairing since you don’t want to accidentally suggest incest.

General Hospital:

1. Recast Lucky. It is time. Other than a brief visit in 2015, Lucky has been crying and moping in Africa or Ireland since 2011. There’s lots of drama that could play out here. The fact that Aiden is his son, but he’s been an absentee father. Cameron isn’t his biological son, but he raised him for seven years. I’d want Lucky to get read for filth by both kids and Liz for abandoning them.

And he’s the son of Luke and Laura, one of the biggest soap couples of all time. It is ridiculous he’s not on the canvas when we have people like Brando, a rando cousin of Sonny’s.

2. Sonny’s Fake Death Should Have a Lasting Story Impact. This story will be pointless if Sonny returns home two months from now and everything reverts to the status quo. I want Carly in a new relationship and unwilling to give up the power she has running the Corinthos organization. Sonny and Carly have been stable for far too long.

Out of all the things I want on my wish list, this is the least likely to happen. This show is determined to keep them together until the wheels fall off because Sonny has no other options on the canvas. It would be shocking if this story had actual consequences.

3. Kill off Peter. It isn’t enough to expose him for his various misdeeds. He needs to be wiped from the canvas. It isn’t Wes Ramsey’s fault that his character received one of the most botched introductions to a show I’ve ever seen, but it has been a few years and fans still hate Peter. If the situation was salvageable, it would have already happened. It hasn’t.

This show finally realized Julian needed to go last year. They need to bite the bullet and do the same with Peter.

4. Write Michael Out. Since this show has no interest in making Michael a dynamic character despite him being in numerous episodes, it is time for Chad Duell to be shown the door. He’s been playing the role for over a decade and he’s never had a successful pairing. My first column for this site was about what could be done to fix Michael and nothing has changed since then. No amount of Willow praising him for allegedly being good in bed is going to make him a real leading man.

5. Bring on Liz’s Mother. I’ve been watching GH since 2002 and fans were asking to see her mother even back then. It is ridiculous that characters like Finn, Cyrus, and Martin can get a parent on-screen, but Liz, who has been there since 1997, can’t. It would be so easy to do and yet GH refuses to do it. When you think about everything Liz has gone through since her arrival in Port Charles, it is insane that her mother or her father Jeff hasn’t visited. She’s been raped, married multiple times, had three kids, had one of her kids kidnapped by her now-husband, and various other things that would warrant a visit. Yet it is portrayed like Liz doesn’t so much as get a Christmas card from her parents.

The Young and the Restless:

1. No More Socially Distanced Dancing. Who thought this was a good idea? It is just cringe-worthy to watch people dancing six feet apart randomly at Society. It always looks like it is from a Charlie Brown movie. I get that the intent is for it to be fun, but I just get so embarrassed for the actors. Stop making everyone look dumb, Y&R.

2. More Plot. Soaps should have more plot than a Richard Linklater film. If I’m watching a show and I’m longing for the days when white as hell Jack was replaced with a Latino doppelganger or when a woman fell into a volcano, you have a problem.

It is just sad that this needs to be on a wish list. You’d think a show would know that fans have lots of options for TV shows to watch and they need content to make a soap worth watching. Y&R is the soap equivalent of a tumbleweed rolling by. Where are the stories? Where is the drama? I’d like to speak to a manager, please.

3. Keep Imani. Amanda’s newly found half-sister was a breath of fresh air on this show. Y&R desperately needs that “I’ll cut you if you mess with my family!” energy that she was giving Amanda. It was a rare treat on this lifeless series. It was a real conflict and not some insipid fight over a hotel that fans decidedly do not care about.

Amanda and her mother Naya could start bonding and a jealous Imani could plot to destroy Amanda. Or Imani could set her sights on Nate, Devon, or Mariah if they want to be interesting. There’s so much potential with this character. Do something with it!

4. Bring on Another Man in His 20s. It is dumb that Kyle is now the only man in this age group. Because of this Sally is making eyes at Jack, who served in the Vietnam War. I know Y&R is fond of young women doing elder care with benefits stories, but it is gross when the man is old enough to be her grandpa.

It would be very easy to bring on Noah or Fen and actually use them. I don’t need to see Pee Paw Jack getting it in with a sweet young thing. This is one of the times I’m grateful Y&R is socially distancing. Otherwise, we all know Sally would be hopping on pop in the Abbott living room.

5. Put Sharon with Adam. He has zero chemistry with Chelsea. Mark Grossman and Melissa Claire Egan have really tried, but there’s nothing there and the show needs to quit being delusional. The fact that Mark and Sharon Case are dating in real life and can actually kiss on-screen should convince this show that they are the money couple.

And Sharon reuniting with Adam could cause so much drama. She’s married to Rey, so they could have it start as an affair. Faith, who holds a grudge for the tiny matter of Adam stealing her as a baby, would be furious at her mother for running into those baby stealing arms. And the rest of Sharon’s friends and family would be just as unhappy with it. Choose the dramatic option for once, Y&R.

Dispatches from Soap Land:

*Liam on B&B told Steffy he didn’t regret having sex with her, but he tells Hope he does regret it and begs on his knees for forgiveness. It is stuff like this why fans despise him. It is unclear which woman he was lying to. Liam is the scum of the earth.

*I really hope Days doesn’t put Allie with Tripp. She publicly accused him of raping her and it was his half-brother that did it. This is not a pairing fans want anytime soon.

*It is hilarious that these characters on GH are acting like Ava is evil for wanting her daughter with her when Sonny is presumed dead. I wish she would pimp slap all of them.

*I refuse to watch the special Abby episode of Y&R. Usually I feel obligated to watch every episode because of this column and the fact that I’m a co-host on a soap podcast, but I have my limits. I’m not a masochist.