If you follow me on the platform formerly known as Twitter, you know that each year I do a thread about the best and worst of soaps. This year, I have decided it is time to finally name my choices in this column. To keep it a reasonable length, this is a two-part column.
The Chandler Massey Award for Phoning It In: Trevor St. John, Y&R
Is Trevor aware that millions of people watch Y&R every day? Watching Trevor, you’d think he was in a waiting room for a colonoscopy. Not a professional actor at his job where he is paid thousands of dollars an episode. Y&R has one of the best casts in daytime history and it is embarrassing to watch the lack of effort put forth by someone who has been acting for 30 years.
Would the “Tucker tries to take over Jabot” story be better with an actor who gave 100%? Not really. It is a bad story, but having an actor just actively think about pizza in scenes does not help. It hinders the other actors and pulls fans out of the scene. I should be engaged with the story playing out in front of me. Not thinking about how Zuleyka Silver should get a special Daytime Emmy for carrying Trevor’s lazy ass in numerous scenes.
MVP Of B&B: Annika Noelle
If you’ve been watching B&B this year, you know it has been the year of Hope. Annika Noelle has been killing it in every episode. From Hope being distraught over her feelings for Thomas to Hope deciding she’s taking what she wants, Annika has been the moment. When I think of B&B in 2023, my first thoughts will be Thomas and Hope’s bangfest week and Hope reading Liam for filth. Not Eric coughing up blood or Sheila calling Deacon daddy.
Annika wasn’t just good in the splashy moments designed to get an actress a Daytime Emmy nomination. You could put on an episode from a random Monday and you’d see Annika acting her ass off. That is a testament to her talent and professionalism. She deserves to be in the Outstanding Lead Actress category next year at the Daytime Emmys.
Worst Father: Drew, GH
This waste of space spends two years being held captive, returns to ignore his daughter Scout, goes to prison for his she-devil girlfriend and now wants to send Scout to boarding school?! Sam should have kicked Drew into a hole after hearing like she did Sonny when she had cat poop disease. Scout truly was better off without her father.
Weirdest B&B Writing Choice: Sidelining Taylor
We all know Brad Bell has the attention span of Drew Barrymore in 50 First Dates. One day, he’s all in on a character. The next day, he forgets them. It is just egregious that this has happened with Taylor. Krista Allen has been a successful recast. Fans want to see more of her as Taylor. Yet Taylor disappears for long stretches and then pops back in for a hot second and is gone again. It isn’t lost on me that this started after Brooke reunited with Ridge.
There’s so much that could be done with Taylor. We could see her trying to break up Thomas and Hope. She’s very worried about her son’s mental health so it would make sense for her to want to intervene. We could see her dating. They could play her in this tedious story about Eric dying. Taylor has a history with Eric and she is a psychiatrist. It would be natural to have Taylor comforting her children and talking with Eric about his feelings towards his impending demise. Yet what we are getting is Eric coughing up blood and Ridge telling everyone about his father dying except his ex-wife Taylor and other siblings.
Weirdest Days Writing Choice: Baby Switch Redux
There are types of soap stories you can do every year. Affairs, murders, kidnappings, and love triangles are timeless soap stories. Baby switches are not in that category. There are three main reasons for this:
1. It is Daytime Emmy nom bait for the actress playing the character who thinks her baby is dead. If it happens too often, Daytime Emmy voters get desensitized to it.
2. If babies are getting switched constantly, it makes characters look dumb to not automatically assume the baby is really alive.
3. Fans will get tired of it. Seeing a woman screeching about a baby that isn’t dead will get old fast if you’ve seen that recently.
All these reasons are a part of why fans are not enthused about the latest baby switch. We just saw a baby switch that started with a car accident a few years ago, and Eric was the father of one of the babies then as well. The stories are far too similar to play out so close to each other. This is why most soaps wait five years to a decade between baby switches.
This story also ruins Melinda Trask. Why would she ruin her life to give Sloan a baby? Melinda is a bitch, not an idiot. This show just killed off one Asian character and now they’ve written another Asian character into a corner. Melinda is not a hunky white man who fans will forgive for just about anything. Women of color characters on soaps get dragged by fans for just being mildly rude to white characters. She is not going to get a ton of grace for baby stealing.
Weirdest GH Writing Choice: Esme the Amnesiac Teen Mother
I’ve truly thought about the year of Esme having amnesia from every angle. Why would Frank Valentini, Chris Van Etten, and Dan O’Connor like this? I have yet to come up with a fathomable answer. It doesn’t redeem Esme. She doesn’t remember what she did so there’s no character growth. It doesn’t make her presence more palatable to fans since she hasn’t paid for anything. It makes Esme seem like a victim the few times characters are allowed to be mean to her. It hurts characters who should be furious with her like Portia and Laura when they are kind to her. Laura has even gone as far to say she loves Esme! It has been truly baffling.
Esme was meant to be a vixen. Instead, she just holds a baby and tries to cock block Spencer. That is really fucking boring. If they had revealed Esme was faking her amnesia six months ago, this possibly could have been a good story. Instead, we got a mess that didn’t even benefit the character of Esme at all. There were ways to keep Esme on the canvas that didn’t make half the canvas look like idiots and didn’t infuriate the audience. Truly some of the dumbest shit in Frank Valentini’s 11-year tenure as executive producer on this show.
Weirdest Y&R Writing Choice: Mariah and Tessa’s Offscreen Adoption of Aria
Who writes an offscreen adoption of a baby? Josh Griffith. We never got to meet Aria’s mother. It all happened offscreen with Mariah and Tessa recapping what happened to Sharon. That is not storytelling. That’s laziness. I know Y&R doesn’t have the budget it used to, but I think they could have afforded one recurring actress for two months.
Camryn Grimes has only been in 36 episodes from January to November. That’s the episode count you’d expect for a C character that is over 50 that appears a few times a month. Not from a popular character played by a Daytime Emmy winning actress who is 33 years old. Camryn and Cait Fairbanks deserve better than this. If they had played the adoption like an actual story, maybe Y&R could have had three good stories this year instead of just two good stories.
Most Unnecessary Expense: Steve Burton, Days
Hiring an expensive actor from another soap in an effort to get attention is like buying an expensive car to impress your neighbors. It doesn’t benefit anyone at all. Your neighbors don’t give a fuck about you. They are broke and they haven’t had sex since the series finale of Ghost Whisperer starring Jennifer Love Hewitt aired. They have a nosy mother-in-law constantly telling them what they can and can’t do. They have bratty kids who constantly complain and say things used to be much better when they were younger. To be perfectly clear, in this analogy the neighbors are the other soaps and Days should worry about itself and the sensible Sedans they already own. Expensive cars are overrated anyway…
Most Necessary Expense: Bringing Back The GCAC, Y&R
It was so nice to see the Genoa City Athletic Club return for the 50th anniversary. It is a much better set than The Great Phoenix which is just a Wayfair mess. If I must see people talking about business stories that I don’t care about and rotating job titles, it is better to have it in a hotel’s dining area. I’m happy that I’ll never have to see a business meeting in a hotel lobby again. What CEO would have a meeting in the same area where Edith from Putnam, New York would be asking for more towels?
Most Welcome Exit: Austin Is Dead, GH
Dreams do come true if you have the tiny dream of seeing a bad character off a soap opera. Do you know how bad a character has to be for Frank Valentini to fire a friend? The character has to be about as popular as a bird that just shit on your car. I just hope this is the end of Roger Howarth on GH. Since Roger lives on the east coast, Frank is unlikely to run into him at Whole Foods like he did with Michael Easton which resulted in him getting hired back. Yet I do worry a year from now Frank will get it in his head that Roger should play his 4th different character on this show. Roger is a good actor, but he’s never had the range to play multiple different characters on the same show. Enough!
Most Unwelcome Exits: Shawn and Belle Leaving Town, Days
The former executive producer who shall not be named is a moron for firing Martha Madison and Brandon Beemer. Shawn and Belle should be leading Days and not treated like expendable characters. I know most of the cast has been fired at least once, but this time it really pissed me off. If they return, hopefully they are treated better. Shawn and Belle are the children of super couples and they led the show for almost a decade in the 2000’s. They should not be treated like this.
The Austin Peck Award for An Actor Suddenly Learning How to Act: Delon de Metz, B&B
Sometimes it takes months or even years for a soap actor to learn how to act. It could be the actor just needed the right material to show they have talent. It could be being mentored by cast members who teach them how to hone their craft and not embarrass themselves and the show. Whichever one happens, it is a real treat seeing an actor go from acting that would be subpar for porn to actual good acting.
It was so unexpected to see Delon finally delivering a good performance. He has been on B&B for three years and wasn’t even good enough to be called mediocre. I wanted Delon to be fired. It was a waste of a contract spot in my book. That was until Zende read Ridge and RJ for filth about the favoritism at Forrester Creations. Delon was good and actually the best actor in a scene. I never thought it would happen.
I think in this instance, it was the material that allowed Delon to show he has talent. Zende is usually trotted out to talk about other people’s drama and be in scenes where a woman is served a laxative. That episode was about Zende and he had a point of view. That is something that Black characters on B&B rarely get. I hope they write for Zende more so Delon can continue to prove himself and shut bitches like me up.
Head Writer Who Is Best at Pulling His Ass Out of The Fire: Josh Griffith, Y&R
Say what you will about Josh Griffith, but the man can pull his ass out of the fire and keep his job. Whenever it looks like his job might be in danger, he’ll pull something out of his ass to save himself. Last year, it was bringing Diane back from the dead. This year, he brought Cameron back for a month arc to torment Sharon and had Victoria’s not so dead daughter Claire put an IV of vodka right into her grandma Nikki.
Josh knows what will save his ass. Putting veterans in peril and drawing on the history of Y&R is money in the bank. He knows Sharon Case and Melody Thomas Scott will deliver. Having great actors like Linden Ashby and Colleen Zenk playing villains is the cherry on the sundae. Both of these stories brought ratings up. Mergers and musical chair job titles don’t move the needle. Vets and dramatic storytelling do. Hopefully in 2024, Josh will keep this energy up and not just in flashes. I don’t want to see LinkedIn: The Series anymore.
Dispatches From Soap Land
*Molly on GH having baby rabies is just so terrible. This has never been Molly. She wrote a novel as a teen, has always been ambitious, didn’t want to get married and now she can’t live without a baby? Pfft.
*I miss when B&B was mostly about Hope and Thomas fucking and not Eric coughing up blood. Blood is not the bodily fluid that should be coming out in that office.
*We are entering the scab material for Days. If this ends up being better than Ron Carlivati’s writing, he should be fired. Though given who was overseeing the scab material, Ron will probably come out looking better in comparison. We’ll see.
Austin was a complete failure but Howarth was the least of GH’s problems. Frank will continue to hire more actors to an already bloated cast. Chris and Dan will continue to write terrible stories that change direction multiple times, drag them for too long and conclude badly. I find it hard to justify getting rid of Howarth while Chad Dull and Hallmark get stories after stories. At least he doesn’t need to write his lines on his hands like the leading actor… btw, Howarth lives on the west coast, I fully expect him to show up on Days eventually, while Burton goes back to GH.
Thank you, Jenny! “I find it hard to justify getting rid of Howarth while Chad Dull and Hallmark get stories after stories.” That pretty much says it all. GH doesn’t deserve an actor of Roger Howarth’s talent, but I’d like to see him return as Todd Manning married to Blair Cramer. Todd was fully redeemed by the time OLTL wrapped up, so it shouldn’t be problem for The Censors That Be.
Spot on and so entertaining! LOL’d several times because you hit the nail on the head but in a hilarious way. Hopefully Brad Bell reads this and puts Taylor front and center where she belongs!
You think you’re funny Alan but you’re not. Your schtick got old a long time ago. You say the same ‘whitticism’s’ over and over. Yawn! You need new material.
Funny that homely Alan and Fat slob Casey can’t take criticism. You critique people but you can’t take it when you are judged. Grow some skin. Well, Casey doesn’t need more skin. He’s fat enough.