Alan’s Soap Box: Top 10 Ways To Fix General Hospital

It isn’t a secret that GH has been in a rough patch this year. I already did a column about what a hot mess the show was in May. Ratings are way down and fans are being vocal about their discontent with the show. How can it be fixed? I have some ideas.

10. Stop The Weird Obsession With Snitching

For the last two years, GH has been obsessed with stories about someone doing something wrong, another character snitching and the snitcher being portrayed as the villain. It started with Nina calling the SEC on Carly and Drew for insider trading and the show acting like Carly and Drew were victims. Now GH is portraying homophobic Natalia as a victim because Ava recorded her honest thoughts about gay people and leaked it.

It isn’t even subtext that Natalia is framed as the victim. The show literally had Kristina proclaim it alongside Blaze in an interview with Perez Hilton. It is unspeakably offensive that this aired in 2024. I don’t think it would have been allowed even 20 years ago and 2004 was the same year Daniel on One Life to Live was killing people because he was a closet case. Characters in the 2000’s weren’t applauded for being homophobic even if there were problematic elements to the story.

Who are these stories for? Was someone at GH personally hurt by a snitch? Do they think noticing bigotry is worse than actual bigotry? Questions we’ll likely never have answers to, but multiple people saw this buffoonery and let it air on national television.

9. Have An Actual Moral Center Of The Show

I have always felt like a soap opera needs to have a moral center. This character doesn’t need to be a saint. They can cheat like Marlena on Days did decades ago. All that matters is the audience knows this character is fundamentally good amidst all the chaos and backstabbing. GH is lacking in that department.

They likely consider Laura to be the moral center of the show, but to fans she forfeited that position after a few years of being too nice to psychopaths. She told Esme she loved her after Esme drugged Trina and framed her for making revenge porn of Josslyn and Cameron. She’s way too nice to her half brother Cyrus who put her daughter into a four year coma. The final nail was trying to get serial killer Heather out of prison. Laura is not the moral center of GH. 

There are options for the position. Trina would be a good moral center in the way that Bianca Montgomery was on All My Children. That role doesn’t need to be filled by an older woman. Though I doubt GH would be willing to have her be the standard bearer of morals given her treatment this year.

Dante is another option. He is one of the few male characters you can say with a straight face is a good man. The obstacle to him being the moral center is connection to mobster father Sonny and the time he lied about Sonny shooting him. That alone would make positioning him as the moral center fraught.

Anna is out of contention for the role. She is a good person who cares about people, but she likes the dongs of men of ill repute a little too much. She just let Valentin flee the country when he should be in federal prison for the Pikeman mess. Anna is used to shades of gray and fans love that about her, but it also means she can’t be a traditional moral center of a soap opera.

8. Start Using The Guarantees of Actors More Wisely

Not every character is going to be the focus of every episode they are in. Sometimes characters are there to enhance another character’s story. It is totally understandable. What fans find irksome is plopping a character into an episode halfway through for about a minute. That doesn’t enhance the scene. It is just straight up insulting.

They didn’t need to have Elizabeth randomly come when Portia was reading Laura for filth about her stupidity with Heather. I think the only reason it happened was to fulfill Rebecca Herbst’s guarantee and an insipid attempt to make fans feel sorry for Laura.

It was also stupid when they put Trina in the background for most of an episode. Tabyana Ali’s contract is up in like eight months. I don’t think episodes like that or having Trina listen to Gio talk about the violin is going to incentivize her to sign another contract.

7. Recast Spencer

Nicholas Chavez is a good actor, but he isn’t Genie Francis or Eric Braeden. He’s replaceable. There are plenty of men in LA between the ages of 22 and 30 that could play Spencer. They just have to let Mark Teschner do his job and they can get Sprina back on track.

I have worried about the package deal problem with Sprina a lot. It happens when a couple becomes so popular that fans don’t want to see them with other characters. It often leads to couples getting written off together or one of them dying. I’m less worried about it now. That can be tomorrow’s problem. Short term, the show needs Sprina back to boost fan morale.

There’s also the fact that the only Cassadine on the canvas is a baby. Nikolas is in prison, Valentin and Charlotte are on the run, Helena is in Hell having tea parties with Henry Kissinger and Spencer is currently “dead.” It is bizarre to have them erased from the show when they are trying to shove Violin Twink and a boring homophobe down our throats.

6. Put More Thought Into How They Introduce New Characters

Soap fans are notoriously fussy about new characters. That makes it imperative that when a show introduces a new character, it is a smooth rollout. Unfortunately for GH, most of the new characters that have been created in recent years have been flops. Gio could be beaten to death with his violin and I’d feel nothing. Blaze is supposed to be a huge pop star, but she isn’t that interesting. Natalia was DOA in the eyes of fans from the start.

They need to have an actual thought out plan. What is the character’s function on the canvas? Does it overlap with any other character? Who could this character be paired with? What is the character’s personality? What makes them tick?

It isn’t like having a clear plan for a new character is a foreign concept for GH. When Bob Guza and Jill Farren Phelps introduced Dante, they had it planned out. From Dante’s introduction as an undercover cop to his pairing with Lulu to Sonny shooting him and it being revealed he was Sonny’s son. It wasn’t some slapdash creation to give a talented violin player a job. It cemented Dante’s place on the canvas. None of the characters introduced this year will have that kind of longevity.

5. Get Rid of The Mob

When was the last time GH told a good mob story? Think about it. Not semi-decent. Not a mob story that had a few good moments. A mob story that was actually good. It has been a long time, hasn’t it? The only head writer who was talented at writing the mob was Guza, and even he ran out of ideas before he got booted in 2011.

They could move Sonny and Jason out of the mob. It wouldn’t be the first time a soap transitioned a mobster out of the crime world. Or Maurice Benard could just retire. He talks about it a lot. Steve Burton is only back for two years. Sonny and Jason could just leave and the mob could be done for good.

4. More Romance and Sex

The big wedding this year was for a pairing that doesn’t have love scenes. I actually did like Brook Lynn and Chase’s wedding, but having a Hallmark level chaste couple isn’t the most exciting thing in the world. There are senior citizen pairings on soaps that are steamier than them.

If GH had more couples with chemistry who did love scenes, I think the ratings would be better. Romance is the bread and butter of soaps! It is what gets fans buzzing the most. Not Morgan Fairchild in a home shopping segment. Not Perez Hilton interviewing a chemistry-less couple. Not Jason doing paperwork. Fucking! Get it together.

3. Stop Trying To Desperately Keep Actors

They have made improvements on this front. Roger Howarth and Michael Easton were fired and have not been given new characters. Gregory is in Soap Heaven trying to “Well, actually…” angels. Yet the show recently trying to push a redemption arc for Heather makes me think they haven’t fully learned their lesson.

The desperation to keep actors has ripple effects. The recent Heather story has greatly damaged Laura. Elizabeth had to be saddled in a pairing that had no chemistry for years because Frank Valentini was stubborn. Maxie has just recovered from the years of destruction the character of Peter wrought onto her. This recurring problem needs to stop.

2. Give Minority Characters Equitable Treatment

This isn’t just about Tabyana Ali who has been treated shoddily this year. It is also about Tajh Bellow, who is handsome and talented enough to be a young lead, yet TJ is a C character. It is about Donnell Turner, who has to pitch stories for Curtis when that isn’t his damn job. It is about Brook Kerr, who has to play scenes where Portia is portrayed as an angry Black woman. It is about Tanisha Harper, who has been on the show for two years and hasn’t had a real love interest beyond that fling with Zeke.

It isn’t any better on the LGBTQ+ front. Kristina and Blaze were made to defend a homophobe. Terri is co-chief of staff and she’s only in like 5 episodes a year, and only featured in social media posts when GH is celebrating AAPI month or Pride. Aiden is a gay teen, but they won’t give him an onscreen boyfriend. Lucas was only back for Bobbie’s funeral and that’s it.

The show can’t have it both ways. They can’t want credit for having diversity and also treat the minority characters like second class citizens. It is pathetic.

1. Fire Frank Valentini 

Frank, alongside Ron Carlivati, did save GH from certain doom in 2012. That is an indisputable fact. We wouldn’t have a soap opera to bitch about if those two hadn’t put in the work to keep GH alive. Still, that was then and this is now. Frank came in and cleaned up Jill Farren Phelps’ mess and now there needs to be someone to clean up Frank’s mess.

GH is clearly about to put on a full force effort to get ratings up. Lucky, Ric and Holly are returning. None of these returns are going to matter if the writing sucks or the show revolves around trying to save Carly from her own bad choices like we’re watching someone’s sad self-insert fanfic come to life.

Head writers do have a certain amount of blame when a show is bad, but executive producers and network execs approve the stories. They also tell head writers what direction they want them to go in and give notes. Head writers are the usual scapegoats, but I think ultimately the executive producer and those above them are more to blame. The buck stops with Frank and Nathan Varni. The show needs real change. Not just goodies to try to entice fans back.

Dispatches From Soap Land

*I’m so glad Ron Carlivati is out at Days. Ron has done a lot of stories I liked over his three soap head writing tenures, but also a lot I’ve hated. It was just beyond time for him to go. I doubt he’ll be unemployed for that long. He’ll probably be working in soaps again by next year, if not sooner.

*I want to like Kyle and Claire on Y&R, but I just don’t. There’s dramatic potential, but I don’t see a grand love story.

*Cherie Jimenez is great as the new Gabi. She is one of the bright spots on the show and I look forward to her scenes.

*What to say about B&B? Um… I’m thinking. Tanner Novlan sure is pretty! Now, do I have anything else? Oh, I’ve got it! They had better resolve whatever the situation is with Matthew Atkinson because Thomas reappearing and then disappearing is bullshit. I think that’s all I have to say.