Alan’s Soap Box: The State of Romance on Soaps

Written by Alan Sarapa

Romance is the bread and butter of soaps. It is likely one of the reasons many of you got hooked on a show. That one couple that drew you in and you ended up liking the rest of the soap, so you stayed. Or you are one of those people who just watch for one couple. I don’t really understand the mindset of only watching a soap for one couple, but if you only like two characters and the rest can fall in a volcano for all you care, good for you I guess? Whichever one applies to you, I think it is time to check in on the state of romance on soaps and give each one a letter grade like this is a report card.

The Bold and Beautiful

I’m not going to beat around the bush: B&B is getting a hard F as a grade. It isn’t because Brad Bell has these poor actors kissing mannequins like an Onlyfans video for someone with a very specific fetish. It isn’t because of social distancing. It certainly is a drag on creating romantic moments, but ultimately it is because the writing makes the worst Hallmark film you’ve ever seen look like a masterpiece in comparison to B&B. Usually, B&B could hide deficiencies in the writing with intimacy and a splashy location shoot, but in the time of COVID, they can’t put lipstick on this thrice run-over raccoon.

What happened to Brad Bell a decade ago to make him decide that Liam’s penis should be fought over like it is an Infinity Stone? What desirable qualities does he have that would make anyone want their fave to be with him? The show tries to have it both ways with him. They’ll have certain characters pointing out he’s trash, but at the same time act like it he’s a great guy and it is totally understandable that seeing a man kiss a mannequin of your wife would make you run to your ex-wife to knock her up. If you don’t watch B&B, yes, that is a sentence you just read and it is true. It is the storyline no one asked for, but we’re getting it anyway.

The thing is that this story doesn’t just make Liam look terrible. All involved look bad! Steffy looks like a desperate idiot for cheating on her romance novel hero boyfriend with her mouth-breathing dunce ex-husband. Finn looks like a chump for being too nice about his girlfriend cheating on him and having a baby with the fickle slut ex-husband. Hope looks like an idiot for even considering forgiving said fickle slut Liam for something he wouldn’t forgive her for. Liam has said multiple times he thought his marriage was over when he put a baby in Steffy. Why forgive a man who will just look for excuses to cheat on you?

Even if it gets revealed someone changed the paternity test and Finn is the father, that only marginally improves this story. Why should I care about Finn and Steffy as a couple? They haven’t developed Finn as a character at all. He just showed up 8 months ago to make heart eyes at walking red flag Steffy. The only things we know about Finn is that he’s a doctor, he has an unnatural level of patience, he loves Steffy for some reason, and he has a penis. Not being Liam only goes so far as to endear the character to fans. Part of making a strong pairing where one half is new is developing the new character so he isn’t just an appendage to the established character.

The other pairings aren’t any better. Katie and Bill are on reunion number 107 and we all know the cycle will repeat again. Brooke will eventually have some mustard on her face and Bill will decide the logical way to get it off is with his tongue. Then Katie will find out and cry and yell and give Heather Tom her standard Emmy reel. It is either that or another round of Katie’s body falling apart. At this point, I expect Katie’s arms to just fall off like she’s Mrs. Potato Head in the middle of a meeting at Forrester Creations.

Wyatt and Flo are a bore. Brooke and Ridge only have chemistry when they hate each other. The Carter/Zoe/Zende/Paris quad feels like a random CBS executive reminded Brad Bell that Black people exist and he was required to write it. They’ll likely have no story in six months and just sit around talking about the white people drama and what Liam’s penis did that week. Because on B&B, all roads lead back to Liam and what he wants to do with his erections. It is pathetic.

Grade: If I could give it a grade lower than an F, I would.

Days of Our Lives

Days is in a stronger position than the other three soaps in the romance department for two reasons:

1. No social distancing and they can kiss.
2. Days actually has couples that people like.

Go look at the Days tag on Twitter and you’ll see it filled with people talking about couples. You’ll see Cin stans gushing about the Romeo & Juliet themed episode that found Ben and Ciara reenacting the play. Others might have an issue with hearing Shakespeare in a Boston accent, but there’s a good chance they’ll like another couple. Maybe they are Xarah stans and are excited about Xander and Sarah getting engaged. Or they are Elani stans cheering at Eli and Lani reuniting with their kidnapped twins and looking forward to Jackee Harry debuting as Lani’s aunt.

There’s something for most fans, which really helps when a story is terrible. Most people hate the Allie rape story, but having couples like John and Marlena supporting granddaughter Allie help make it watchable. Soap fans are more likely to watch a story they dislike if it has characters that they want to see, and that has always been a strong suit for Days. You might think the story is a dumpster fire, but you are a Jarlena stan and you want to see John and Marlena even if you are reading the story for filth on Twitter.

I still think the stories on Days need work, but there’s no denying they care more about couples than the other three soaps by a lot. Days is the super-couple soap.

Grade: B+

General Hospital

GH is my favorite of the four soaps overall at the moment, but I don’t think head writers Chris Van Etten and Dan O’Connor care that much about romance. The only pairing that is getting really romantic writing is Ava and Nikolas. That marriage by blackmail has turned into a sexy love story. Ava finally has a man that loves her and won’t murder a child of hers as a twisted gift. Yay! The rest? Meh.

This show is still pretending Michael has chemistry with Willow which is laughable. Those two give off very Amish vibes. Like he’s the only single man in the village and he gave her father a goat. Given Michael’s track record with all women who sleep with him dying, maybe he should start giving out goats to prospective mates. She could be killed offscreen by a falling crane, but maybe a goat would sweeten the deal. The woman could put a little bowtie on him and enjoy whatever time she has left thanks to the curse of Michael’s tepid sex.

Anna and Finn could have been a good couple, but the bulk of that relationship is talking about Peter, so that makes that pairing tedious to watch. Speaking of Peter, I have a horrible feeling they will have Maxie forgive him after he’s exposed, so we can see the worst couple on soaps continue. I’d rather watch a million Michael and Willow sex scenes than still have Peter and Maxie be a couple. Fans have been screaming about this for years now to no avail.

GH really is the opposite of Days. Over at Days, the good pairings help gloss over subpar stories. GH has pretty good stories like Nina coming for Carly’s neck making up for the bad pairings. Is it too much to ask for both good stories and good pairings? It is? Darn.

Grade: The only reason I’m giving it a D and not an F is Ava and Nikolas. The power of Maura West and Marcus Coloma!

The Young and the Restless

Y&R actually has potential for romance and messy drama right now. I say potential because this show has formed a habit of setting up a juicy story and then taking it nowhere. Y&R is Lucy with the football and we’re Charlie Brown going for the kick and falling on our butts. I want to be optimistic, but to quote George W. Bush: “Fool me once, shame on… shame on you. Fool me–you can’t get fooled again!”

The most potential for drama and romance is Sharon and Adam who kissed last week. Sharon is married and Adam is with wheelchair-bound Chelsea who can’t so much as lift up her hand to flip Sharon off. It is the kind of mess this show desperately needed. Mark Grossman and Sharon Case kiss very well, which isn’t surprising considering they’ve been dating for over a year. The man knows how she likes her eggs cooked at this point. It would be unfortunate if they were giving us lackluster kisses.

Some fans hate Sharon and Adam as a pairing for obvious reasons. He did steal her baby. I’m personally on the side of wanting them together for these reasons:

1. The aforementioned chemistry.
2.  Mark and Sharon aren’t socially distancing in real life, so the lips don’t have to social distance on this very cautious set.
3.  The drama. Not one person in Genoa City would be happy about Sharon and Adam getting together.
4. There’s something very gothic-romance about Shadam as a pairing. I find it appealing in this iteration of the couple.

The other potential drama is Kyle having a three-year-old son with a married woman who is married to real estate billionaire Ashland Locke. And he’s only told his girlfriend Summer about the affair part. Not the son part. I’m excited about the potential of this story. Summer and Kyle are the hot young couple of this show. They can’t kiss due to COVID, so they need a conflict and this could be it. What will the billionaire do when he finds out his wife cuckolded him with Kyle? How does Summer feel about potentially being a stepmom? Can she accept a child that isn’t hers? If they play out the beats, this could be good.

The other reason I like this is that being a deadbeat dad runs in the Abbott family. Kyle’s father Jack had a son during the Vietnam War named Keemo that he hasn’t mentioned in years. Jack was also a bit of a deadbeat dad with Kyle, considering Kyle spent the bulk of his childhood in Chicago with his mother Diane. I’m hoping this story results in a messy custody battle like Jack and Diane had back in the day and that Kyle wins. If it ends in the son just living offscreen in New York, it will be a giant waste of our time.

The last potential messy drama is Devon sleeping with Elena and Amanda within one week of each other while Elena is dating Devon’s cousin Nate. Elena had better be pregnant now. She should have gotten pregnant in October when she cheated on Devon with Nate. Let her be pregnant and have that be the conflict between Devon and Amanda. It is what fans want and it is soap writing 101.

Grade: C-. I’m hopeful, but still expecting to be disappointed.

Dispatches from Soap Land:

*I’m so happy for Sasha Calle landing the part of Supergirl in The Flash movie. I’ve hated Lola since she dumped Kyle for giving her an expensive purse, but I’ve always thought Sasha was talented. Y&R has wasted her and I’m happy she’s fleeing.

*Cynthia Watros has finally gotten to show why soap fans still talk about Annie Dutton to this day. GH had her on a leash, but they let her off it. Her scenes ripping Carly apart were mesmerizing.

*Stacy Haiduk is amazing as Susan, and I want Susan to stay in Salem. She could romance Roman. He’s been known to have a taste for eccentric women.