Alan’s Soap Box: The Worst Romances on Daytime Soaps

Romance is the foundation of soap operas. Unfortunately for us, a lot of the pairings currently on soaps are shitty. I’m not trying to write a dissertation, so I’m just going to dive into the worst among them.

The Bold and the Beautiful

Ridge & Brooke

Thorsten Kaye has been playing Ridge for almost a decade, but he only has chemistry with Katherine Kelly Lang when Ridge and Brooke fight. When they are in a romantic scene together, she’s trying and he acts like he’s in a waiting room for a colonoscopy. It is not fun to watch at all. Yet, executive producer and head writer Brad Bell doesn’t see this. He’s going to have them together despite the lack of chemistry and fans begging for Brooke to get a new dick in the mix or even a previously used dick like Deacon’s.

Ridge and Brooke might be over for now, but we all know what will happen when he finds out that Sheila was the one who made Brooke drink. It will be “Oh, Logan, it wasn’t your fault! Now let’s reunite like I didn’t leave you for my ex-wife five minutes ago.” Brooke will cry that one tear and that’s not the only place she’ll be wet. She’s apparently a very moist woman for her age.

Ridge & Taylor

Taylor will be left twisting in the wind when Ridge inevitably goes back to Brooke. This is unfortunate because Krista Allen actually does have chemistry with Thorsten. I can’t feel too bad for Taylor because when you take back your ex-husband because his current wife kissed another man while drunk, you are setting yourself up to look like a clown. So Taylor will have to put on the clown makeup, the oversized shoes, the red nose and get in the clown car. Steffy and Thomas will have to join her in the clown car because they actively encouraged this buffoonery. Clown makeup might clash with Thomas’ Commander Riker beard, but he’ll have to deal with it.

Carter & Paris

This show has made Carter look absolutely pathetic. I’m convinced that if you held an elevator door for Carter, he would propose on the spot. If they actually let him get married, would he be both groom and officiant? It is his role to perform all the living room weddings. “Me, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? Yes, I do! I may now kiss the bride!” If I have to watch another living room wedding, the comedy of Carter running back and forth from the groom spot to the officiant spot might make up for it.

Diamond White is talented, but they’ve handed her an absolute dud of a character. They’ve tested Paris with multiple men. Even had her fantasizing about married man Finn last year. It is hard to be mad at her about that because Finn does inspire impure thoughts. Though, it is tacky to do that while living at a couple’s place. You wait until you have your own place to have horny thoughts about a married man. It’s called class.

Now they have her with Carter and he’s old enough to be her daddy. I don’t understand why they like each other because B&B doesn’t invest in couples. They meet, they get engaged, sometimes they get married, and then they break up when someone kisses another person. Not even fucks. Kisses. That’s the cycle. If you made a drinking game out of it, you’d have liver failure after a month.

Days of Our Lives

Gabi and Jake

Why are they still here? What value do they have? Head writer Ron Carlivati used to write Gabi as a fun schemer, but now she’s a herp derp moron who only does what the plot requires. Gabi wanting to run Titan makes no sense. It is a former mob front turned family company. Her gay baby daddy’s husband is a Kiriakis, but Victor damn well doesn’t consider Gabi to be family. I doubt she’s even on Maggie’s Christmas card list, and a Horton came out of her vagina.

Camila Banus and Brandon Barash still have chemistry, but they don’t work as well as they did when Brandon was playing Stefan. Sitcom husband Jake doesn’t have the same spark. When you pair people who have played a couple before in a new pairing on a soap, it rarely works. Lightning doesn’t strike twice. Mary Beth Evans and Stephen Nichols work as Kayla and Patch on Days, but when they were on GH as Katherine and Stefan, they sucked. The same holds true with Camila and Brandon.

They should just have Gabi and Jake move to Arizona. The show has enough DiMeras. They don’t need Jake to be scratching and sniffing his balls as EJ looks on in disgust. Gabi needs to be rested. Send them away.

Nicole & Rafe

Did Galen Gering give a member of the Corday family a kidney? That’s the only explanation I can think of for why he’d still be on the show. They fired him and Rafe lifted right out of the show, but then COVID happened and Ken decided to bring him back because we can’t have nice things. Then they put him with former mobster Ava and made her become a bang maid in his house while he shared custody of a teddy bear named Duke with Nicole.

This is by far Nicole’s worst pairing ever, and she used to be with Daniel who would yell at women like he was about to beat the shit out of them. Every scene of Nicole and Rafe together is insufferable. Nicole should have left town with Eric in 2020, and Rafe should have been devoured alive by rats a decade ago.

Xander & Gwen

I understand the logic behind pairing Xander and Gwen. They are both pariahs with sad childhoods. I can see why Ron thought they’d be well-suited together. There are two problems: 1. They are too similar to each other to pop. 2. Paul Telfer and Emily O’Brien don’t have a lick of chemistry. I really wanted to like them together, but I just don’t. They have sibling chemistry and not in a porn roleplay type of way. Like actual siblings.

Thankfully Xander and Gwen are on track to be over. She’s told many lies that are bound to catch up to her and Sarah will eventually get off that island and stop believing she’s dead Renee. I just hope Gwen gets to see Xander shoving his tongue down Sarah’s throat as she’s led away in handcuffs.

General Hospital

Michael & Willow

When I’m on my deathbed, I won’t be reflecting on all the good times I’ve had or about that time I was pantsed as a teen and they said I had an “assfro.” I’ll be thinking about Willow saying that Michael has a good dick. It haunts me to this day. I can’t escape the utter un-believability of it. Michael lasting longer than two minutes and seven seconds? Poppycock. And him making a woman achieve orgasm? I can buy people returning from the dead. I can buy a mobster making buy-an-island money without dealing drugs, selling guns, or engaging in sex trafficking. I can buy driving from New York to Switzerland. I refuse to believe Michael has ever made a woman cum in his life.

Curtis & Portia

They are attractive together and age-appropriate. They have a past, and Curtis might be the biological father of Trina. They make total sense on paper. Unfortunately, the chemistry isn’t there. Every scene is like witnessing an awkward first date. At least with Michael and Willow, I could buy them as friends. Curtis and Portia have the vibe of people who should just nod at each other in the office break room.

I really hope Donnell Turner has chemistry with Tanisha Harper who is playing the new Jordan. He’s been at GH since 2015 and the only time he’s had chemistry in a pairing was with Vinessa Antoine’s Jordan. When they recast with Briana Nicole Henry, that pairing flatlined. If Curtis and Tanisha’s Jordan have chemistry, they can move Portia over to ex-husband Taggert.

Brando & Sasha

I’m just going to use one sentence on this pairing since they don’t deserve a full paragraph: I don’t give a shit about them, and they could fall into a sinkhole tomorrow and it wouldn’t matter.

The Young and the Restless

Moses & Faith

Why the fuck are they written like they are on The Brady Bunch? The teens on 7th Heaven had more edge than this. Is it because they don’t want to upset people in flyover states by having drama in a relationship where a blonde white girl dates a Black boy? If that’s the case, that’s bullshit. It is 2022. You don’t have to go full Euphoria with them, but you can have drama. There’s no reason to write them this wholesome. This is a soap opera, goddamn it. Let the class slut find out Moses has a billionaire for a brother and make a play for him.

Sharon & Rey

When will they be over? We’ve been complaining about them for years now, and yet they are still together. I feel like a broken record every time I talk about them. Break them up and set Sharon free from pouring coffee in a Gucci outfit every day. I’m fed up with it. Give me something new to complain about, Y&R!

There is hope in sight for a breakup. They’ve been playing Rey with Chelsea a lot lately and Nick has been in a lot of scenes with Sharon. Just let Sharon catch Rey and Chelsea banging, and she can dry her tears on Nick’s ball sack.

Nate & Elena

They are pretty together and they do have chemistry, but they are so boring. All they do is have conversations about work-life balance and be a talk-to couple for white characters. That’s a big reason why you don’t see a lot of people talking about them on social media. They could be a dynamic couple, but they are just there. It is sad because Nate’s dad was a whore. If he was even half as slutty as his dad, he could set this show on fire. No one can be a slut anymore on this show and I’m very bitter about it.

Billy & Lily

Lily’s addiction to white dick has led her to be the babysitter of man-child Billy Abbott. I thought her decade-long marriage to Cane was bad, but having to coddle a 40-year-old little bitch is on par with marrying an Australian conman. Now they talk about Billy’s podcast. Podcasts are not an interesting topic for a soap opera, and I’m on a podcast. Maybe it could be an interesting idea if Billy used the podcast to expose scandals and secrets, but that might be too interesting for Y&R. Free Lily from the tyranny of Billy and podcasts!

Dispatches From Soap Land

*I’m so happy that Jack on Y&R is getting an Asian granddaughter. I assume Keemo dying was the price we had to pay to get this, but it is a miracle that the character was mentioned again and we get a child of his. The show needed a new female Abbott under the age of 40.

*The Devil story on Days reminds me a lot of Ron’s Fluke story on GH. That story went on for way too long too.

*I’m so happy that Chase and Brook Lynn on GH have progressed. Now he just needs to nut in her so we can get another Quartermaine. I know the show has too many babies, but if Maxie can have three damn kids, Brook Lynn needs one.

*Everyone on B&B is a dumb slut. That’s all.