Alan’s Soap Box: General Hospital Couples

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It is tradition in this column to have the February article be focused on couples. They’ve focused on all four soaps, but this time I want to give my opinion about various General Hospital couples. GH does have the most interesting slate of couples of soaps. Some are good. Others are so terrible that Soap Twitter would seriously consider sacrificing a goat for them to end.

Spencer & Trina: Sit On His Face Already!

It has taken almost two years and one recast of Trina for this pairing to kiss, and it was worth the wait. Having them kiss in the art gallery they first met after Trina finds out Taggert might not be her father was smart writing. You want the first kiss of a couple to be memorable and remind the audience of the journey it took to get them there. Nicholas Chavez and Tabyana Ali delivered and it was tens across the board. My concern with this pairing is that they waited too long to get here.

Fans are accustomed to looking at a new actor and pondering if they’ll stay past their first contract. Some will stay and become veterans, a few will get fired and some will flee for the prospect of greener pastures. GH fans are not delusional about Nicholas. His contract is up next year and there’s a good chance he’ll move on so he can show his butt on a Netflix show or be a series regular on one of those Chicago shows on NBC. That would mean a Spencer recast. There aren’t that many examples of a couple surviving being recast on both sides. There’s Belle & Shawn on Days and Tom & Margo on As The World Turns. It isn’t common.

Head writers Chris Van Etten and Dan O’Connor need to stop writing Sprina like it is 1985 and they’ll have these actors indefinitely because that isn’t realistic. The next year needs to be balls to the wall romance for them. I want highs and lows. I want at least two months of them happy and banging. Give us good memories so if next year is the end of the pairing, fans will at least have those to look back on and be wistful about. The time for slow burn is over. It is time for a damn forest fire of romance, goddamn it.

Willow & Michael: Tofu & Undercooked Chicken

Do you know any women who make their personality revolve around a boyfriend or husband? If he’s into football, she suddenly knows the name of head coaches and hates that team her man despises. If he’s into video games, her joy is now watching him play and making sure he has his Red Bull and pizza rolls. She’s tofu. Not really much flavor on her own, so she takes on the flavor of what is around her. Willow is unfortunately tofu. She defines herself by her relationship with Michael. She’d rather die than inconvenience him.

What makes this couple even more terrible is that Willow doesn’t even have a more interesting flavor to absorb because Michael is undercooked chicken with not a speck of seasoning. He’s bland. Not even hiring a twunk to try to destroy his father has helped the character. And just like undercooked chicken, he could put you in the hospital or worse. Almost every woman that has charitably hosted his penis is dead now. Willow is dying of cancer and I blame that salmonella dong.

GH could tell an interesting story about the unhealthy dynamic at play here. Willow was in a cult so it makes sense that she’s eager to please and willing to suffer for others. I just don’t think they have the range to write that. So we’ll keep getting the same writing where they just talk about the kids and about how Nina is a meanie who lures children to her house made of candy to devour them. They are just insipid.

Josslyn & Dex: Let’s Talk About Jex, Baby!

I’m so pleased they made Josslyn a cheater. I think back to the times where this show had her crying to a rock for a full damn year and stupid shit like fake diary entries. Now she’s the driving force for a messy story. Soap operas need selfish characters who can drive the story. Fans bitch about them, but if every female character was a sweet heroine the show would be boring. Although, even the sweet heroines on soaps sometimes cheat. The cooter wants what the cooter wants.

I do like Jex. Eden McCoy and Evan Hofer have good chemistry. My issue is that they haven’t developed Dex enough. What does he want out of life other than Josslyn’s pussy? The positive thing about a new character is they are a blank slate. Writers can do anything with them. They need to start filling in those blanks so I can fully invest in the character. He could have a crazy ex-girlfriend who locks Joss in a dungeon. He could be the child of someone who died from a mob hit ordered by Sonny.

I just don’t want Dex to be related to a past character. Writers have a bad habit of retconning to make new characters related to established characters. I understand the logic behind it. Soap fans act like fussy children when a new character is introduced so the writer makes them a relative of a veteran character. It is the writer’s equivalent of putting broccoli in cheese so the fans will swallow it. GH has done too much of this in the past few years. Some characters should just be new. You don’t need to make Dex the child of Casey the Alien and Karen Wexler.

Portia & Curtis: You Are Possibly Not The Father!

It took years for it to happen, but GH finally had Curtis learn that he might be Trina’s father. Unfortunately for him, it was after he married Portia. Brook Kerr ate those scenes up. She made you understand Portia’s reasoning for her actions and I felt empathy for her even though she’s a lying liar who lies. Brook was doing Daytime Emmy worthy work. Donnell Turner was not doing that level of work. It wouldn’t be fair to say he was thinking about pizza, but he was not bringing it like Brook was.

Portia and Curtis are considered by most to be a mid-tier pairing. You couldn’t really say they are popular, but they aren’t on the list of pairings that are hated either. You aren’t likely to see fan edits of them on your timeline. They are kind of just there. I do think GH could use this story to change things up. Have Portia turn to Taggert for comfort and have Curtis catch them in bed after he decides he wants to stay with Portia. Turn it into a real triangle and fans will be a lot more interested.

Sonny & Nina: The Mobster Is The Best Boyfriend In Port Charles

Sonny and Nina did not start with the typical script of a Sonny relationship. GH fans know it well. Sonny cries into the bosom of a woman about how mean his stepfather Deke was, he buys her dress, he takes her to his mob money island, she does something he doesn’t like, and the barware starts hitting the wall. Lather, rinse, repeat. Since Sonny fell in love with Nina when he had amnesia, we got to see Sonny fall in love without that formula. It was refreshing.

I am never going to be a Sonny fan, but I do find him much more tolerable with Nina than he ever was with Carly. It shows his softer side and I love how supportive of Nina he is. Maurice Benard and Cynthia Watros work very well together and it is clear they enjoy this pairing. Bitter Carson fans will just have to deal with it. Carly is dating that used car salesman named Drew now.

Anna & Valentin: He’s Lucky That She Has Questionable Taste In Men

Anna’s taste in men has always been questionable. She’s been married to a mobster and a doctor who gave a boat full of people a date rape drug. She is not drawn to accountants named Doug who are lactose intolerant. She likes bad boys. However, a pairing with Valentin seemed implausible due to the backstory between them. He was a hunchback who was obsessed with her and gave a baby to a supervillain because he was mad at her. It was a lot. If you told fans five years ago that Vanna would be one of the most popular couples on the show, you would have been called a dumb bitch in your mentions and via copious subtweets. Yet it has happened.

Having Anna be able to love Valentin didn’t happen overnight. It took a few years to make this problematic pairing palatable for fans. Head writers Chris and Dan get some credit for that, but I’m going to give the most kudos to Finola Hughes and James Patrick Stuart. If they didn’t put in the work, fans would not have tolerated Valentin eating Anna’s pussy last year. They got the pairing to the place that Valentin’s tongue was exalted for being there.

It is just fun to watch Anna and Valentin be a flirty team together. I love watching them scheme together as they try to bring Valentin’s father Victor down. It helps that Valentin worships the ground Anna walks on. Protip for soap writers: Fans love that shit. A man treating a woman like a goddess is catnip for soap fans. They will lap that up and ask for more. Just like Anna did when Valentin ate her out last year.

Ava & Austin: Maybe He Can Be Salvaged

Austin has existed as Diet Franco for about two years. His pairing with Maxie was a flop. The story of him being a long lost Quartermaine fizzled out. He’s been a dud. Though I do see potential in putting him with Ava. Maura West and Roger Howarth have always worked well together. This could be the key to making that character work. If not, have Austin slip on a banana peel and die and don’t have Roger return as Scooter McGroover, the long lost son of Leslie.

Elizabeth & Finn: Please Make It Stop!

Elizabeth and Finn are currently broken up, but they are still in each other’s orbits enough to make me think this show will try to get them back together. They don’t have another woman to foist Finn upon so our girl Elizabeth is the unfortunate chosen one. I just want it to stop. They could put Elizabeth with anyone else. A Lucky recast, Matt after getting him out of prison, a hunky janitor with a mysterious backstory and a fat ass. Anyone! Fans are begging like we’re the asshole heroes of a romance novel in the last 30 pages. Please? We can be nice for like three days. I’d say a week, but we all know that would be a lie.

Dispatches From Soap Land

*I can now empathize with the Days fans who complained about having to pay to watch the show. When the show is bad, paying for it does feel insulting.

*It is clear Brad Bell is trolling fans with having Brooke and Taylor be this close. He’s never going to have a big gay story on B&B. This is the same show where only straight men design clothes. He’s not alienating the overseas audience that made him rich by having Taylor get out a strapon she calls the Logan Destroyer.

*If Y&R is too broke to be able to afford breakdown writers, I’m very worried. Even Guiding Light had breakdown writers and four head writers when they were having Harley cut coupons in some rando’s house in New Jersey.

*I really don’t get fans arguing about soap couples. It isn’t like God is going to float down on a cloud and declare one pairing superior, damn the fans of the inferior couple to Hell, and take the fans of the superior couple to Dave & Buster’s.