There are days I feel sick, nauseous. Not because of some health issue, but when I see columns on WWE.com wondering what will be five years from now. I know the writers are likely taking a jab at the internet fans. The first page predicts John Cena’s in-ring career over but remaining active as a General Manager or owner-type position. At the very end, the writer slyly refers to the aging GM as a 19-time WWE Champion, making my blood boil, skin crawl, and stomach revolt.
Other predictions include Hideo Itami being a Mr. Money in the Bank and Dean Ambrose as the longest reigning WWE Champion of the modern era. Those I can live with.
I can live with kicking off RAW and Dean Ambrose. “Oh look, they sent the cruiserweight division to get me” referring to Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble as the stooges of The Authority. Live from the Barclay Center in Brooklyn, New York, the show kicks off with Seth Rollins ranting and raving about how he had the last word by Curb Stomping both John Cena and Dean Ambrose to close the show. While Mercury and Noble tried to coax Mr. Money in the Bank out, Cena rushed in and attacked. Rollins dove to the outside, retreating into the crowd, only to conveniently wind up next to Dean Ambrose who nonchalantly stood among the crowd. The inevitable all-out brawl ensued. Fast forward to The Authority to announce tonight, Ambrose and Cena will team up to face Rollins, Kane, and Randy Orton in the main event.
Nice start, Ambrose as always is classic.
No matter how hard WWE tries, they simply cannot convince the crowd to turn on The Dusts and Cesaro. Even putting them up against Dolph Ziggler and The Usos does not work. The fans love everyone in the ring, so quite frankly WWE has to realize not everyone has to be face or heel. Fantastic six-man tag match, Cesaro and Ziggler led the dance and I really hope we get a one-on-one between them in the near future. Cody Rhodes eats a triple superkick followed by a Superfly Splash from Jimmy Uso for the win. Dolph Ziggler earned the MVP for this one. Going from a spinning head-scissors into a sleeper hold, countering a very-European uppercut into a walking Famouser.
Kathie Lee and Hoda are on RAW. Clips from Cena being on their show aired, and JBL does his best impersonation of Jerry Lawler for the morning show ladies. To his dismay, they are brought to the ring by Adam Rose and his Rosebuds. In what quickly becomes the worst segment imaginable, they promote the Susan G. Komen Foundation for less than 30 seconds before they focus on themselves, drink wine, dance, and then rejoin the Rosebuds. This tasteless segment was a complete waste, and pretty insulting. They were supposed to promote Breast Cancer Awareness and instead hawked their own show while drinking faux wine. Complete failure. The production crew had to keep Rose’s theme playing in a futile attempt to drown out the boos from the crowd. This segment was completely disrespectful.
We’ve got another match between Bo Dallas and Mark Henry, with the latter still a bit peeved over Dallas and his antics leading to his defeat on last week’s RAW and Main Event. Crowd chanting “Sexual Chocolate” and “we Bo-Lieve” at various match points. Match ends via Count Out when Dallas escapes a World’s Strongest Slam through the announce table, dashing into the ring before Henry to win. So, that makes Dallas 3-and-0 against Henry. This is bad comedy.
Thankfully, we get a return appearance by Dean Ambrose and the show is once again watchable. He always appears to be slightly drunk or off-kilter. It makes his persona. Ambrose calls out Cena to hash out their issues, so of course, that does not happen. Not even close. Ambrose and Cena agree they don’t care what people think about each other, however Ambrose also adds he “doesn’t give a crap” about Cena either and will “drop him where he stands.” Crowd popped big for that one, while Cena then retorts with the ever-not-at-all-threatening line of “don’t give me a reason not to like you.” Uh what? As the crowd goes bonkers for Ambrose, he takes the mic and says: “Kinda hungry. I’m taking the Q down to Coney Island, grabbin’ a hot dog and hit the Cyclone.” With that, he strolls off.
Once again ladies and gentlemen, Ambrose the Awesome. They show an exclusive clip of Ambrose boarding a subway. Funny.
Brie Bella defeats Summer Rae with one arm tied behind her back. I could make a joke, but the internet would ban me.
Backstage: The Miz and Damien Mizdow clumsily try to offer their apologies with a fruit basket to Kane. The Corporate Goon doesn’t go for it and books Miz one-on-one against Sheamus. The entire time Sandow mimics each movement by the Miz. Perfectly I might add. Pretty funny stuff.
Jack Swagger defeats Tyson Kidd. Huh, Kidd on RAW again.
Edge and Christian cut a taped promo about hosting a special SmackDown 15th Anniversary show on the WWE Network following RAW.
Between each segment, there is hype to hear from Roman Reigns since his emergency surgery. Well, live via satellite he lets us all know he is doing better and hopes to be back soon. This paragraph might have been longer than the actual segment. I am not making this up. Way to go WWE. All that hype for a one-minute pre-taped bit.
El Torito vs. Mini Gator (Hornswoggle) came close to stealing the title of “worst segment of the night.” With a very loud “this is stupid” chant from the Brooklyn crowd, we can all agree this ridiculousness has to stop.
Big Show is apparently forced to attend sensitivity training and sit backstage as Rusev and Lana accuse us all of supporting hate crimes since we supported Big Show as he tore down the flag of the Russian Federation last week. Rusev speaks a whole lot of Russian to the crowd’s boredom. They call out Big Show but we get nothing but silence. Just then, the unimaginable happens.
IF YOU SMELLLLLL…
Yep. THE ROCK. The freakin’ Brahma Bull comes tromping out. The roof explodes in the Barclay Center, and the internet blows a gasket. The Rock cuts a classic-style promo. Points out how hot Lana is, but then of course points out how she looks like a “Soviet Streetwalker” with a bottle of Smirnoff shoved up her “Putin.” Wow. He craftily cuts a promo highlighting all the boroughs in New York, concluding with Brooklyn. Funny stuff. This makes the crap earlier somewhat forgivable. In a twist, suddenly Rusev learns the entire English language and delivers a threat to crush The Rock. Well, Rock does not take too kindly to threats by unloading his trademark flurry of fists sending Rusev to the floor.
Chants of “Holy Sh**” and “This is Awesome” were popular choices. I normally hear those chants during five-star matches, but then again when you follow Hornswoggle vs. El Torito, the bar is set pretty low. I gotta say, bringing out The Rock to Brooklyn. Wow. Good move WWE and you guys just put Rusev on the path to main event. Does not matter Rusev was sent running, the fact it was The Rock who delivered the beating just made him in the eyes of wrestling fans everywhere.
I was asked on Twitter by @Muffnman how much it cost to shuttle The Rock over for tonight. My reply, “Probably using the money saved by keeping Brock Lesnar off television.”
Honestly, I was hoping to hear “I’m afraid I’ve got some BAD NEWS!” from Wade Barrett.
Well, the show returns to dog-droppings with Paige and Alicia Fox teaming up to take on AJ Lee and her partner, Emma! Yes, she still has a job! Except no one cared, not even AJ, who left partway through the match because Emma was dancing too much and getting beat up as a result. I would have done the same thing. Paige and Fox win. CM Punk chants.
There have been some very creepy Wyatt Family promos tonight, focusing on Luke Harper and Erick Rowan. Once again, Bray Wyatt delivers the creepy in these video packages. WWE seems to be backing up the creative truck a bit, likely going back to what made the Wyatt Family gimmick popular in the first place.
Miz defeats Sheamus with an assist from his stunt-double who got a bigger pop from the live crowd. Yep, “Sandow” chants rang out from start to finish. Match itself was mediocre.
In a nice gesture, Joan Lunden comes out to speak about Breast Cancer Awareness and the crowd is silent with respect. This is what happens when you have someone who actually knows what to say and has a purpose for being on the show. This segment was better than half of Raw and quite honestly I would have not complained if Joan Lunden came out and smacked the almighty crap out of those self-absorbed witches Kathie Lee and Hoda for even attempting to use Breast Cancer Awareness for their own selfish promotion. Anyone else notice how the crowd, the rowdy, loud, and brash Brooklyn crowd remained silent throughout Lunden’s appeal and applauded with respect at the end? That is how it is supposed to be done.
Main event time sees John Cena taking on Seth Rollins, Kane, and Randy Orton all on his own. Match lasted all of three minutes before The Authority thugs beat up on Cena. Suddenly, a wild Dean Ambrose appears with a Hot Dog cart! He starts chowing down on a dog until Kane and Orton confront him. Like the wild west, Ambrose goes all quick draw wearing a holster with ketchup and mustard! He sprays the goons, then dives into the ring and attacks Rollins. Sauerkraut is sacrificed, and Rollins nuts are scooped by a pair of tongs. We close the show with Ambrose and Cena standing tall, until Triple H revealed the first two matches for Hell in the Cell. He first being Dean Ambrose versus John Cena, with the winner facing Seth Rollins in the Hell in the Cell cage. Ambrose scores first blood by planting Cena with a Double-Underhook DDT, and the crowd loses their minds, going with the “YES!” chant to close the show.
A very lopsided episode tonight. Some ups, and a lot of downs. The much hyped Reigns segment was a dud, and I have already spewed enough venom to the two overpaid bimbos who disgraced the program early on. Once again, no Brock Lesnar, and no Paul Heyman.
One question remains. They were in Brooklyn. Where in the hell was the Brooklyn Brawler?
