1. Just Say No to the Big, Over the Top, Make You Want Throw Yourself off a Bridge Ballad
Classic/Terrible Love Song: ‘I Will Always Love You’ by Whitney Houston Rockin’ Replacement: ‘If You Really, Really, Love Me’ by Steel Panther
Oh look, another overplayed Whitney Houston song! Listen, Whitney, I get it, you can sing really well about love and stuff. But honestly, this song is kind of sad. It’s about a girl who loves someone so much, and hates that they can’t be with the person they love, for some reason that we never get into. This is a common trope for love songs. I will always love YOU. What about YOU loving ME? When did this shit become a one way street? I’m pretty sure the whole point of gender equality is equality, right? In their song “If You Really, Really Love Me,” Panther shows off their feminist sides. It’s all about the give and take in relationships, and Steel Panther is very much in touch with that. Sure, they take on occasion, “Never hassle me because I’m unemployed/If I sleep all day don’t get annoyed/ Then I’ll know that you really really really really really really really love me.” But they also give back, “Just be happy that I’m hung like a horse/and you get to ride the pony of course/’Cause I’m really really really really really really/Really really fond of you too.” Not only is the Panther song way less sad and tear inducing (I didn’t cry by the way, I was cutting onions and have allergies), I believe it can give some valuable insight into the modern relationship. It’s a tricky world out there, and Steel Panther is there to help. Well there you have it, my definitive list of Steel Panther songs to keep you sane on Valentine’s Day. If you want my advice, just go ahead and put all three CD’s on your music player of choice to ensure that you have a truly bitchin’ Valentine’s Day with your special friend, friends, or if you really fucked up, your long term monogamous partner.
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