marla pachter returns to bon temps for some more sucktitude …
And, we’re back! Just in case you forgot what’s happening on the show in this time of crazy ridiculousness where nothing makes that much sense, there still wasn’t a “Previously On…” So, yeah. Basically you are SOL. Sorry about it.
We fade in on a creepy shot of Sookie sleeping while a ball of light appears next to her. Miles away a light portal opens up and a shady looking dude we’ve seen before steps out of it. How are these two things connected? Does this make any sense? Oh wait – isn’t THAT guy Warlow (Rutger Hauer)? The answer to these questions (and more!) are “they’re not,” “no”, and “yes.”
So creepy old dude from the last episode isn’t Warlow. Actually, it turns out he’s just Jason (Ryan Kwanten) and Sookie’s (Anna Paquin) Fairy Grandfather. Okay…
If you didn’t watch the episode and have no intention of watching the episode, you should just go to a few minutes in so you can watch Angry Black Lesbian giving birth. Okay. She wasn’t really giving birth. She had like a crazy new kind of bullet in her that was emitting blacklight. I didn’t know blacklight affected vampires, did you? It really did look like she was giving birth for a good 30 seconds though, guys. I was so confused.
The point of what I will now deem “The Birthing Scene” even though there were no babies involved, was to show that the government is creating new, improved weapons of mass-vampire destruction. In the words of Tony the Tiger, that’s “Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!” for humans. But terrible for vampires. I don’t really have sympathy for the vampires on this show anymore. Scratch that. I don’t really have sympathy for any of the idiots on this show anymore. I JUST HAD A REVELATION.
Cut to Bill Compton (Stephen Moyer), who is kind of still Bill Compton, but also not really still Bill Compton. Bill was escourted (in his mind, naturally) by three naked blood-covered ladies to meet up with Lilith. Remember, this part is in Bill’s mind. Although Lilith just said it was “a place”. It was nice to see Lilith clean and with clothes on for once, I was starting to feel really bad for that actress. Lilith (Jessica Clark) told Bill that “Events have been set in motion.” THANKS TRUE BLOOD WE HADN’T NOTICED. Jeez, what is it with this season? It’s like they forgot what story telling is.
Speaking of terrible story telling … Hey, look! A random plot point from last season that we’ve all forgotten about (because they didn’t remind us before the episode. *cough* *cough*) and that didn’t really need any wrapping up anyway. Scott Foley’s wife (from last season, not in real life) came looking for Terry to see if her husband was cheating on her. Pretty sure he’s super dead, but I honestly don’t remember 100%. Maybe this will become important, but probably not.
Sookie just happened to randomly stumble upon a fellow half-fairy, wounded in the woods. Cause. Why not? He was super hot and flirty, so naturally she took him to her house to nurse him back to health. He is clearly going to be important later in the season. THIS SHOW IS SO SUBTLE.
OMG, then Jess from Friday Night Lights (Jurnee Smollet) just walked into Merlott’s (though you may also know her as slutty abused hood rat who gets AIDS in Tyler Perry’s Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor)! With a bunch of hippies! How fun. Oh, they’re a group of humans who are vampire rights activists. Stereotypes. I see what you did there. Jess from Friday Night Lights is trying to get Sam to come out of the… shifting closet, I guess. Yeah. That’s how I’m going to say that. Come out of the shifting closet. Sam is not ready, and is putting a lock on his closet door.
Guess whattttttt. Fairy Grandfather taught us that Sookie’s a princess! And she can channel her light into a vampire-killing supernova. But only one time, cause she’s only a half-fairy. And then she’ll cease to be a fairy. Kinda seems like she should just do that right away since vampires all suck now and being a fairy has only been a complete and utter burden on her life. But okay. Save it for a special occasion. What do I know?
Then Sookie’s True Soulmate (Joe Manganiello) was a dick to Sam. You know… I’m starting to think he’s not Sookie’s True Soulmate anymore. And he’s just permanently a dick now. I’m sad.
This episode mentioned Hoyt twice. You guys, I kinda miss Hoyt (Jim Parrack). It also showed us that Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis) is an awesome babysitter. AND that Bill is definitely no longer Bill. He’s become one scary mofo, who apparently can see the future. The future is looking pretty bleak, kids. Pretty friggen bleak. For both the vampires, and us, the viewers.
I know this recap feels a little all over the place. Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. J/K. Blame it on the bad writing of True Blood!
