Real Men Talk Reality TV: Breaking Amish, Season 3 Premiere

BB: We started the week in Beverly Hills watching a whole bunch of rich kids in the wild on E! Now, we end the week on TLC watching the premiere of their “hit” reality series, Breaking Amish. The premise is simple — a group of young Amish 20-somethings are torn on whether they want to stay Amish or break away from their heritage in order to pursue an “English” or non-Amish way of life. Luke, I think with a change in wardrobe you’d make an amazing Amish man.

LK: Oh man, I would be King of the Amish people. I already live with with no electricity and no modern appliances, like a TV. How did I even watch this show? It’s an Amish secret.

BB: The questions is…can you grow an amazingly sweet beard?

LK: I am woefully disappointed by the immense lack of beards, butter churning, or barn building on this show. As someone who knows very little about the proud Amish culture, stereotypes are basically all I have.

BB: I’ve seen Witness, my favorite cover band is The Amish Outlaws and one of my favorite wrestlers was The Angry Amish Roadkill. I’ve also watched Amish Mafia — which is amazingly bad. So, I consider myself a bit of an Amish expert and all I can say is this — this is no “Amish Paradise.” Weird Al would be hella pissed Luke…hella pissed.

LK: Heck, I’m hella pissed by how immensely boring this episode was. I get it, to leave Amish culture is a massive sin. But then literally spent an hour with these people complaining about their lives. They have clearly all gone out into public before and absolutely do not want to be there. They’re even only happy in photos from “English culture.” I did not need an hour to have this hammered in.

BB: No Amish was broken at all in this episode. But, we did find out about these Amish folk’s secret desires, which were all quite…well…boring. I mean I wish they had raised a barn, it would’ve helped break up the constantly woe is me monologues.

LK: That guy who played the guitar was pretty cool, but none of these people are shooting for the stars. I find it interesting how only Barbie had a secret stash. What, none of the guys have ever snuck in Playboy before? I call shenanigans.

BB: Honestly, the Amish musician was the one I felt the worst for — he’s adopted, he’s been racially discriminated against and all he wants to do is play music like Johnny Cash. And the kicker is — he’s actually not a bad singer!

LK: If I found out I was adopted into Amish culture and even got a taste of the outside world, I’d just go.

BB: Speaking of Barbie’s “secret box” was I the only one thinking TLC would just go for it and reveal that she had a vibrator in there?

LK: No, I thought so too. Show the wild side of these generally milquetoast people! I see in previews they go nuts, but I want that now. Conflict! Yelling! Make out sessions! That’s what this show needs.

BB: #vibratorfail… Instead, she had a DVD player which, I think we can all agree was totally ruined by the dirt, the exposure to the elements and the general lack of upkeep. #DVDfail.

LK: I didn’t see any DVD’s either. It’s probably just a paperweight. I mean, how can she possibly vanish long enough to watch a movie? “Hi Mom I’m going to walk around for two and a half hours.”

BB: She could’ve used butter churning as her excuse and it would’ve made the show seem a little more authentic Amish. But, what about the big “secret” one of our other gals had — which wasn’t “Amish porn” as we both suspected.

LK: Sadly, it wasn’t. Apparently one of them likes to use a tanning bed. That’d be a shock if she didn’t already look like a leather sofa.

BB: She reminded me of Derek Jeter’s glove from 2002.

LK: I’m more shocked that no one even bothered to ask her about it. “You look different. Did…your skin tone change?”

BB: Can we also talk about how TLC filmed her in slow-motion sashay down the dirt road. It was like “Hey she’s Amish, but those curves though.” #yikes

LK: More than half this episode was in slow-motion, it was insane. What is this, the freaking Matrix? I didn’t realize Neo was Amish but whatever.

BB: Was it or me or did none of these people have any reason at all to not “break Amish?”

LK: They kept having all of these reasons that, truthfully were easily resolved. They obviously acknowledge that English culture is better. They want to go but can’t because of wives or children. Simple solution? Bring them along! It’s not like they’re hyper ingrained like their parents. And clearly Guitar Hero’s wife confronts him later.

BB: And lest we forget, she already hooked up with another guy! What a Amishussy. But seriously, these people’s significant others are already either out of the Amish life or are shunned like their significant other — so everyone should leave.

LK: I can understand the parents wanting to stay. This is literally their entire lives. But the kids definitely want something else.

BB: You know who I actually feel bad for? The Amish. This show makes them out to be the biggest assholes in the world and frankly, I think that’s painting a section of society with an awful broad and damning brush.

LK: I have no doubt that the Amish are a very kind and respectful people. Yet last night we saw them as spiteful, closed minded assholes. Like those guys trying to build a barn and saying the woman can’t help? Jeez.

BB: Man, I just wish this show was about barn raising, butter churning and heroin dealing. It would’ve been so much better.

LK: I’d watch that in a heartbeat. And bowling if the film Kingpin is any indicator.

BB: Then Bill Murray would be in this series and THAT would be the greatest reality series of all-time. Fact.

LK: Let’s just make this show “Bill Murray’s Amish Paradise.” Now THAT I’d watch.

BB: I think we’ve got ourselves a hit series.