BB: Oh, New Jersey. Not only are you our home, but you are also the home of the most drama in the world. On Sunday night, the drama brought us back to a familiar place — The Manzo homestead. That’s right. Former Real Housewife of New Jersey Caroline Manzo has her own series now, Manzo’d With Children. Luke, let’s talk about this, “fambily.”
LK: Bravo’s ability to pad it’s schedule with cloned reality shows absolutely astounds me. All things considered, Caroline Manzo and her family is nothing special. But she was on RHONJ so suddenly that fulfills all necessary criteria to have your own show. Jeez these people have it so easy.
BB: What’s crazy is that, despite all the promos on Bravo, it was listed nowhere on any channel guides or even in the TV Guide.
LK: Yeah! Someone at Bravo really messed up. There was plenty of confusion this morning on whether or not Manzo’d was even airing. According to Bravotv.com, 9:00 PM doesn’t exist. I think we can consider that declaration from Andy Cohen that a day is only 23 hours. He has singlehandedly altered Earth’s rotation around the Sun.
BB: Going back to your point, this show is so scripted it’s absurd. The Manzo Brothers are partners in Little Town — which has three locations in Hoboken, NYC and at Metlife Stadium. There’s no way these guys should be living at home. Also, Lauren Manzo owns her own her own store and is engaged. It seems like Bravo really wanted to make an Italian-American version of The Cosby Show. Except with less humor and a shit ton of less dancing. Which makes me sad. Who doesn’t love jazzy Cosby dancing?
LK: Or pudding pops! Can you imagine Caroline Manzo walking around with a crazy sweater going “Bip bop beep have the puddin’ pops.” Oh man I’d love to watch that. Instead I have to watch grown men and a woman hang out at their Mom’s house for absolutely no discernible reason. The two brother’s especially did everything together. It was just…weird.
BB: You know who I didn’t mind? Their big gay friend Greg. He was funny and generally called out everyone out on their shenanigans. He might also be the “bro”-est gay man I’ve ever seen on television.
LK: Greg seemed like a fun guy to have around. If only he was there on better terms. Apparently he’s the “Bride’s Man” for Lauren’s wedding. My own fiance had that idea for our own wedding, which I shot down faster than a patriot missile
BB: Oh man, that whole wedding thing lead to one of the most annoying things of the episode — Laura Manzo’s obsession with her armpits.
LK: Great, now I need to eat again. The mere thought of those pits caused me to vomit out my dinner.
BB: Oh my God, I just wanted to scrub my eyes out with razor wire.
LK: You want to know how rich you are? You have enough money to get botox in your armpits, and spend a lot of time reminiscing at how you used to be overweight and lost it all because of lap band surgery. Sorry Lauren, us “normies” lose weight by eating right and exercising. Have you heard of this new activity called jogging? It has a silent “j”.
BB: Sounds terrible!
http://youtu.be/PND0_84fWB4
LK: I do give the Bravo production staff credit for shortening what was likely a several month long dress search into a mere few minutes. You know for sure that Lauren didn’t only look at one dress to be a “princess.”
BB: But, we were reassured she was wearing her leopard underwear. Vomit. Gag. Burn my eyes. Then we talked about boobs for a good 20 minutes. Their weight, how it is to grab them, the weight. Sadly, this show took all the fun out of boobs. And I love ‘em!
LK: Boobs are the best Bill! I’d say they’re the best thing since sliced bread.
BB: They’re the best thing since bread – unsliced! But, I don’t need to see Caroline Manzo grabbing her cans and trying to weigh them!
LK: Jacqueline Laurita is a different story altogether..
BB: Yeah, she was definitely the saving grace of the episode. Can, we have a moment for Jacqueline Laurita?
LK: The show’s promotion loved playing up how crazy she is, but she was nothing compared to the psychobabble that is the Manzo household.
BB: Yes, the amateur psychology the kids pulled on their Mom was the type of thing future generations will look upon and say, “This…this is where American society went wrong.” That or the XFL.
LK: I think American society went wrong long before this Bill. Remember, we live in a time where a show called Manzo’d with Children is considered good enough for airing.
BB: And of course, we can’t have a reality series premiere without the requisite “let’s do something sooooooooooooo crazy, it’s hilaaaaaaaarious!” And that was the kids taking Caroline to try the trapeze.
LK: It’s a good thing I’m not blind, because a deaf person could confuse Caroline’s screaming with a giraffe being strangled by a wailing chimpanzee.
BB: Well, I mean, Caroline has a good reason to be scared of heights — as she says, in another life she was a princess girl trapped in a high up tower. So, makes sense, right?
LK: Sure, why not. I’m personally not afraid of heights. Does that mean I was a cliff jumping bad ass in my past life?
BB: It totally does. In fact, you were a viking who conquered the hordes of heathens that roamed the plains.
LK: I saw that tower with Caroline Manzo and thought, “Yikes. She probably has all of her kids in there. Let’s go somewhere else.”
BB: And that’s where we should all go Luke, somewhere else. Somewhere far, far way.
LK: RUN TOOOOOOO THEEEEEEE HILLLLLLLLLLLS!
BB: RUN FOOOOOR YOOOUR LIIIIIIIIIFE.
http://youtu.be/geHLdg_VNww
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