Written by Matthew Widdis
After a recap of Dolph Ziggler’s return and Corleone-esque beating of Kofi Kingston, that dastardly Kevin Owens makes his way down to the ring with a retrospective of his recent history with Kofi and The New Day. KO says that he had nothing to do with last week’s attack on Big E’s knee but he takes full claim to Xavier Woods’ pain. He goes on about how he’s going to batter Kofi Kingston until he can’t possibly win vs Dolph Ziggler at Super Show Down. New Day’s music shuts him up as Kofi comes out, runs him down for being a lying liar that tells lie and their match gets under way.
Kevin Owens vs Kofi Kingston
Kevin spends the majority of this match in his Ring of Honor/NXT viciousness mode. He even scatters the pancakes and attempts to remove Kofi’s crimson kicks! Owens pulls out all the offensive stops, including the old Swanton bomb! Kofi, the fighting champ, weathers the storm and manages to hit Trouble in Paradise after avoiding a pop-up powerbomb. All the while Dolph Ziggler watches from a monitor backstage.
Your winner by pinfall… Kofi Kingston!
Shane McMahon is in the back and going over details for Shane McMahon Appreciation Night with Elias and their new pal, Drew McIntyre.
Elsewhere, R-Truth and Carmella sneak through the arena hallways to avoid the WWE roster, especially Drake Maverick who just misses them while posting his “Wanted” posters.
Kayla Braxton is mid-ring with Smackdown Tag Team Champions, Daniel Bryan & Rowan. They have some harsh (and deserved) criticism of WWE tag team wrestling… and knock knock jokes, apparently. They run down the environmental impact caused by the crowd but that brings out Heavy Machinery — “Tucky” and “Lil’ Brother Otis” — come out to run them down and challenge for the titles! Daniel says they accept and will make them sorry… just not here in a “fracking” state like Oklahoma… and they slip out.
Bayley is warming up with her Hindu squats and her Smackdown women’s title belt on display.
Meanwhile, Sonya Deville is praising her BFF, Mandy Rose, on making the cover of Hers magazine. They have a great time handing out copies to everyone in the halls, including The WWE Women’s Tag Team Champions, The IIconics, and a less-than-enthusiastic Ember Moon. Mandy’s cover is on the TitanTron when she gets into the ring with Carmella
Carmella vs Mandy Rose (w/ Sonya Deville)
Near falls after a pump knee lift by Mandy and a moonwalkin’ Bronco Buster by ‘Mella but Sonya manages to distract Carmella with more copies of Hers magazine (available on newsstands now!) That’s all Mandy needs to duck a superkick and fold up Carmella for a win.
Your winner by pinfall… Mandy Rose!
R-Truth is sneaking around the halls when he’s assailed by Jinder Mahal for a school boy and a two count. He manages to toss Jinder into a stairwell and escapes to a photo booth. The usual rabble of 24/7 hopefuls run right past him like he’s Scooby Doo. Truth comes out just in time to bump into Drake Maverick, sending them both crashing to the ground and apologizing as they gather up Drake’s wanted posters. Realization hits and they’re off running. Everyone calls the cornier parts of 80s and 90s WWE “cartoons.” This is cartoons… and you like it. You do.
Aleister Black uses his trademark James Lipton delivery to tell us that, while we wait for him to throw out a name and pick a fight, he’s waiting for someone… anyone… to step up and challenge him.
Here comes the money! Shane-O-Mac comes down to the ring with Elias and McIntyre. Greg Hamilton is a damn good ring announcer. He doesn’t get enough props for that despite his bit revolving around that fact. Shane says that he’s just trying to help out the family business and put smiles on faces. Faint but steady “A-E-W!” chants finish up when they play a Shane highlight video that starts with his Mean Street days in the Attitude Era and focuses on his insane risk-taking before celebrating his punching out Mr Miz and teaming with Elias to attack Roman Reigns. Elias starts to sing us a song about how great Shane is when…
R-Truth is chased into the ring by Drake Maverick with a referee in tow! Once in ring, Truth hits his forward-facing suplex for a pinfall.
Your winner by pinfall… and STILL WWE 24/7 Champion… R-Truth!
Truth suddenly realizes where he is and who he’s interrupted. Shane has Elias and McIntyre give him a Drift Away and a Claymore for it. Elias goes for the cover, though!
Your winner by pinfall… and NEW WWE 24/7 Champion… Elias!
Shane makes a match for later in the night with the new champ and the Scottish Psychopath vs Truth and Roman Reigns because reasons.
Kayla Braxton is in Lacey Evans’ dressing room as The Lady is having tea time with Charlotte Flair. They lament the turn of events at Money in the Bank but are ready to take on Becky Lynch and Bayley whenever the opportunity arises.
Bayley vs Lacey Evans
The Queen is on guest commentary. Lacey Evans makes her way to the ring in some Memorial Day observant ring gear. Wow, does this woman not skip back and shoulder day at the gym. Not a complaint, mind you. Not even a little bit.
After Bayley gets tossed outside, The Queen doesn’t hesitate to loom over her and mock her. Back in the ring, Lacey does a bit of ground-and-pound attacking the left elbow and some grind-and-bind using wear down holds on the champ. Once momentum changes, The Hugger changes zip codes from San Jose to San Quentin, getting fired up and going after Lacey outside the ring and beating Charlotte to the punch, too. A distraction by Charlotte allows Lacey to get an O’Connor Roll on the champ but it takes too long and, by the time the ref is in position, Bayley reverses it into a bridging schoolgirl pin.
Your winner by pinfall… Bayley!
Charlotte jaws at Bayley as she leaves the ring, even holding the ropes open for her as she leaves. Outside of maybe Kevin Owens, I can’t think of anyone in WWE (maybe in wrestling) who makes the most out of every second on camera more than Ric’s girl.
It seems that Charlotte isn’t getting invited back to tea time! Lacey puts the blame for her loss on The Queen and goes after her. She’s pushed off the ropes and gets a Micatin mouthwash courtesy of Charlotte’s barefoot big boot. They’re broken apart and Bayley smiles ear-to-ear.
Backstage, R-Truth is still feeling the effects of being beaten by Shane Inc. as Carmella coaches him.
Next week’s RAW sees The Undertaker return (Yay!)… to promote Super Show Down (Awww.)
Speaking of which, a video package/history lesson to get us interested in Triple H vs Randy Orton plays. This would make for a good retirement match but not something I want to spend 15+ minutes on, really.
Sarah Schreiber is backstage with Zelina Vega and her client, Andrade. They play a video of Finn Balor going over the abuse he took at Money in the Bank. Andrade takes credit for power bombing Finn onto a ladder and tells him that El Idolo is a demon in and of himself.
This week on Firefly Fun House, Bray Wyatt shows us his crafty side with a paper plate mask of his alter ego, The Fiend. Abby the Witch calls him a sicko and that she can’t stand being stuck in limbo. Bray says she’s just a bully and proceeds to limbo under a pole by two traumatized children by doing his signature Japanese horror movie spider walk.
Roman Reigns & R-Truth vs Drew McIntyre & Elias (w/ Shane McMahon)
Truth hasn’t limped more than ten feet out the entranceway before he’s run down by Elias, McIntyre, and McMahon. Once Roman gets Elias in the ring, the match begins. Roman ends up tagging Truth into the match (because he wasn’t paying attention up until now, apparently) and a lengthy beat down is “what’s up.” Roman cringes as Truth is battered back-and-forth until he manages to pinball Elias and McIntyre and make the hot tag. Roman beats up Elias, menaces Shane, and dodges a Claymore attempt that sends Drew McIntyre sliding across the announce table like a six-foot-six hockey puck. A spear puts Elias down for the three count.
Your winners by pinfall… R-Truth & Roman Reigns!
After the match, Roman checks on Truth and comes to a realization: the match is over and the 24/7 clock is running again. He hits another spear on Elias and urges Truth to cover him. 1… 2… 3!
Your winner by pinfall… and history-making first-ever two-time 24/7 Champion… R-Truth!
Final thoughts:
After all the talk about how terrible WWE creative is since (long before) Double or Nothing, they deserve some praise for what they’ve been doing with Firefly Fun House and the 24/7 Title. Are they for everyone? No. But pro wrestling is and, as such, should have something for everybody.
When we’re talking about competition and AEW, it reminds me of something from the waning days of WCW: casual fans turned their backs hard on WCW for cutting to commercials in the middle of matches. Indeed, this is a gripe of mine, even with the picture-in-picture that Smackdown does. Cutting out of your main event for nearly four-and-a-half minutes will not fly anymore with most.
While he was getting booed for four years for not being Daniel Bryan people came up with all sorts of reasons to justify hating Roman Reigns. “Roman can’t wrestle” was the least convincing of these. I’ll trust my own eyes and take the word of: Jim Cornette, Chris Jericho, Eric Bischoff, Bully Ray, and Bret @#$%ing Hart over Twitter haters. That said, outside of his great chemistry with Elias, he did not seem himself tonight. He seemed… distracted maybe?
I’d love to see the long-pined-for Roman heel turn involve The Big Dog bullying Kofi into SummerSlam but damned if this Ziggler feud doesn’t have a heap of gravitas and it’s a crying shame it’s attached the poor-received Saudi show.
