Written By Alan Sarapa
In these uncertain times, you are bleeping tired of hearing about these uncertain times. I know I am. You can’t escape it. 80% of commercials have this cloying sentiment that feels fake. The news feels like the “This is how it started!” first 10 minutes of a post-apocalyptic film that makes you envision dressing up like a Mad Max character six months from now. Jeans are now considered formal wear. And you especially can’t escape it when three out of four soaps are now in reruns.
We all want the soaps to start shooting again safely, but given that Los Angeles County has a stay at home order that has been extended three months, that probably can’t happen until September. And what would a soap look like when love scenes are off the table?
Well, Australian soap Neighbours might be the model our American soaps have to follow. They’ve resumed filming and are keeping actors socially distanced, but using camera tricks to make it look like they are closer. They are also using a skeleton crew so less people are on set.
I know what you’re thinking. “Alan, a socially distanced soap sounds terrible! I want smooching! And punching! And this character that hasn’t been on since 1986 to return!”
I know, irate soap fan in my head. It would be difficult to accept less romance and hot guys punching each other, but when people’s lives are on the line, you have to accept it. Do you really want your favorite actor to risk death to shoot a love scene? Wait. Don’t answer that. I don’t think I’d like the answer. Instead, let me provide the answer to how each soap can handle this new reality.
The Bold and Beautiful – Instead of the show revolving around Archie, I mean, Liam marrying Hope or Steffy every three months, they could do a battle for control of Forrester Creations, the fashion house that has been the backdrop of all the drama for 30 years. Recast Rick Forrester (the currently off-screen son of Eric & Brooke) and have him make a play for the CEO chair. It could set off a war between the Logans and the Forresters that is dramatic and sidelines B&B’s usual “Hey, we just met. Let’s get married!” antics.
And recasting Rick would be a good way to bring Rick’s ex-wife Maya Avant (who you might remember was revealed as trans in 2015 and was leading lady for about a year until Brad Bell got bored) back into the fold. B&B desperately needs some black characters who aren’t just the best friend or just show up to marry people, but can’t even file the paperwork correctly despite being a lawyer.
And telling a business story like that might be the way to transition Thomas away from being a Lifetime movie villain. I’m fine with him being a villain, but murdering that girl from Dance Moms to try to get Hope’s cooter might be too much.
Days of Our Lives – I’m not going to suggest a business story for Days because fans of that show don’t care about that. DiMera Enterprises and Titan, the two big companies in Salem, started as mob fronts! It isn’t like Y&R or B&B where you care about who is CEO. And it isn’t like the show itself cares about business stories either. They only decided like a year ago what Gabi Chic was when it has been around for years!
My suggestion for Days is to write out the characters that are over 60 and use the younger characters. Before you get the torches and pitchforks, remember that Days has a cast that has a large amount of elderly people. While we love the vets, it might be best if they all go on a group vacation off-screen. Have them appear via Zoom occasionally with tales of Kate getting food poisoning and the captain of the ship trying to kidnap Marlena…because of course that would happen to her on vacation.
Days will have to be reliant on the younger characters and bring on even more of them. Get Joey Johnson (son of Steve & Kayla) out of prison where he’s been since 2017 for smothering Ava Vitali to death with a pillow. Make it a recast since the last actor was a mouth breather whose acting would make gay porn stars look award worthy. Joey returning with an edge after three years in prison would be interesting. They could even have Salem’s resident serial killer, Ben, mentor him.
And Ron could create some new characters. I know some fans react to new characters like a petulant child being made to eat broccoli, but the family trees on Days are so twisted and intertwined that you have to bring on new people for the characters to bang. If they cast an actor to play Joey who has an actress girlfriend, they could cast her as a new character and then they can have a bit of romance on the show. It would be a smart thing to do.
My other suggestion for Days: Demonic possession on a budget. Marlena’s possession in the ’90s is the most well-known story for a reason. Have Sarah or Allie get possessed and wreak havoc on Salem with none of them realizing it is her. Of course since this is Days, Gabi would get blamed for it. If they wrote coronavirus into the show, Chad and the Hortons would blame Gabi. “I saw Goody Hernandez coughing in Horton Square!”
General Hospital – Laura Wright who plays Carly and Wes Ramsey who plays Peter are a couple in real life. Thus as the only cast members who are not socially distanced from each other, GH should take advantage of this, but not in a romantic way.
Peter could buy Ric and Liz’s house from circa 2004 where Ric held a pregnant Carly (then played by Tamara Braun) captive in a panic room in a plan to murder her and give the baby to Liz. Peter could discover the panic room and keep it from Maxie. It is doubtful that Maxie remembers the panic room considering during that time she was trying to bang her adoptive cousin Lucas who turned out to be gay.
Carly could overhear Peter talking to an assassin ordering a hit on Robert, but she gets caught and it gets her thrown in the panic room. Peter would consider killing her, but he needs a patsy before he can do that. He’d pick Nelle as the most natural person to take the fall, but before he can do that, he finds a used pregnancy test in Carly’s purse (nasty!) and confronts her about it.
Carly wouldn’t be pregnant. The test would actually be a fake one that Josslyn used to prank Carly. Seizing on the opportunity to not be hacked to death with an axe, she’d claim to be pregnant and thus she’d be faking pregnancy in the same panic room where she spent most of her pregnancy with Morgan.
Peter would have qualms about murdering a pregnant woman, so he’d just fake her death in a car explosion. The funeral would have to be mostly offscreen for obvious reasons, but at end of it they could have Sonny alone and mourning Carly when in walks Brenda.
Getting Vanessa Marcil back would be a good move for GH. Ratings always go up when she returns and they’ll need the boost after showing reruns for months. Sonny and Brenda reconnecting (from a respectable distance!) while Carly fakes morning sickness in a panic room just sounds like classic soap.
My other suggestion for General Hospital: Hire Lauren Swickard (Josh Swickard’s real life wife) as Serena Baldwin. Serena could be a witness to a crime and have to stay with Chase for protection. Romance could blossom and they’d only need one set. It would be a straight up romance novel plot and exactly what fans will want from soaps.
I would also advise GH against writing COVID-19 into story. No one wants to be depressed by real life. They can have a story about appreciating doctors, nurses and hospital staff, but leave that misery for real people. Let the fictional people suffer in different ways.
The Young and the Restless – This show desperately needs a psycho. It is boring! Mariah cheated on her girlfriend Tessa with some rando bartender, and it was forgiven so quickly. If you can’t milk an affair on a soap for drama, you are doing something very wrong.
Do a time jump. Reveal Theo and Lola got engaged, but Summer, being a horrible Newman driver, accidentally runs him over and he dies. Lola is devastated. Her new restaurant in Miami gets shut down for roaches. Abby fires her from Society because a clump of Lola’s hair is found on a dish. She has nothing left and snaps. She wants revenge.
Lola remembers Summer has a peanut allergy and spikes her shake with peanut butter. She ends up in a coma just like when Patty gave her a peanut butter kiss as a child. She then sets her sights on Nick and seduces him with implied sex. It would just have to be her stripping and then him taking his shirt off. Nick would go for it because his most consistent character trait is being a dumb slut.
Lola would get pregnant and when Summer wakes up, Lola would tell her all about carrying her new brother or sister and then show her a big engagement ring. “Summer, you can call me Mom if you want!”
My other Y&R suggestion: Tell a damn story for Devon and Elena. Bryton James and Brytni Sapry being a couple on and off screen means they are the only opportunity for a real love scene. And don’t just have them happily humping all the time. Maybe Elena could get pregnant and the memories of Devon’s first baby and Hilary dying could cause him to regress in his grief. He could call out Hilary’s name during sex. He could be crippled with anxiety about something terrible happening to Elena and the baby.
****** There’s a lot of unknowns about what production will look like when soaps resume filming. Will there be reliable rapid testing so they can literally test everyone in the building? Who will pay for that? Is it coming out of the budget? That for sure will lead to less filming time. How often will they test? Who is going to tell Y&R’s Eric Braeden that he’s probably going to be used less for his own safety? I pity that person.
I just hope fans will be there when the new episodes come and they can be understanding about the limitations. I know asking fans to be logical and not tweet a “Why can’t they have a wedding with the whole cast? Where are the vets?!” rant is asking a lot, but you should start mentally preparing for it. One day, it will go back to normal. You just have to deal with the reality of the situation now and accept it. In these uncertain times, what the bleep else are you going to do?
Dispatches from Soap Land:
*Y&R has done a pretty good job of picking reruns, but who thought it would be a good idea to show an episode about Sheila’s sister Sarah who became Lauren’s doppelganger? No one liked that story the first time around. It is widely regarded as one of the worst Y&R stories ever. Jack’s Latino doppelganger Marco had more fans!
*GH really needs to start only doing pregnancy stories with characters who don’t have kids. Maxie doesn’t need another kid. Carly and Sonny certainly didn’t need another kid.
*Camila Banus was snubbed for an Outstanding Lead Actress nomination. She carried Days on her back in 2019, but they’ll give nominations to someone who was only on for three months last year and a man who thinks about pizza when he’s allegedly acting?
*CBS might be only airing the Daytime Emmys next month because they are desperate for programming, but I still expect an award ceremony over Zoom to be more dignified than the year they had Vine girls interviewing soap actors who couldn’t even be bothered to Google beforehand or the year that it was just a giant Vegas infomercial.
