Once or twice a year, a movie will come along that truly gets my blood boiling. A couple of them in the past have been The Dictator and Paranormal Activity 4. Remember those gems? Back in 2009, I wasn’t part of the Pop-Break family, but I assure you, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen would have been one of those films. This sequel is everything I hate about movies. It’s loud. It’s obnoxious. It’s boring. It’s lazy. But most important of all, the humor is bottom of the barrel crap. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is Michael Bay’s opus – a relentless barrage of torture, and easily one of the worst movie experiences of my life.
In honor of Transformers: Age of Extinction gracing our presence this weekend, I decided to inflict pain on myself, and revisit this masterpiece. I knew it would be awful, but I forgot how truly terrible this movie was. It’s time I release my own revenge, as I present the Top Ten Worst Things About Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Get ready, folks. It’s going to be rough.
*Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Spoilers*
Honorable Mention:
Leo Spitz: I wanted to include Leo to show that even someone as irritating as this character couldn’t crack my top ten. That’s how bad this movie is. Remember, Leo? Sam Witwicky’s annoying college roommate. Sam walks into his freshman dorm, and already this guy has his little tech center set up, running some kind of lame internet empire. It’s just stupid, a word you’ll hear a lot throughout this top ten. Leo’s worst moment though is when they are transported to the desert, and he starts running around shouting “I think we’re in Vegas!” Huh? The actor who played Leo is Ramon Rodriguez. I looked him up, and discovered he was also in Battle Los Angeles and Need for Speed, two films I also hate with a burning passion. I think it’s safe to say that me and Ramon don’t have a good history.
10. John Turturro’s Underpants
Turturro’s character pulls down his pants, and for no reason we get a close up of his underwear riding up his ass. I hate this movie.
9. Robot Heaven
So Sam Witwicky “dies,” and wakes up in Robot Heaven. Yeah. He’s talking with the ancient Primes or whatever, I don’t know, who gives a damn? There are plenty of movies where characters are passed out or in a coma, and they have an important vision or dream inside their head. It’s certainly worked before, and you could make the case it’s happening here, but when Witwicky wakes up, the matrix key is suddenly whole again. Hmmmm. I believe we are meant to think that Sam actually went to stupid Robot Heaven. Whatever you say, Michael Bay.
8. The Mafia Bot
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is infamous for its inclusion of stereotype robots, and don’t worry, we’ll get to those other ones later in the countdown. But let’s not forget about this little annoying piece of garbage. Not only does he wheel around spouting off cliché and stereotypical Italian phrases such as “They’re gonna whack me,” but he spends a lot of screen time with Megan Fox. The real capper to this character is when he humps her leg. Yup. An Italian stereotype robot humps Megan Fox’s leg. Think of how much money went into creating that scene. Really makes you think, doesn’t it?
7. The Action
“Oh, come on, Dan. You have to admit Michael Bay is great at action!” I don’t have to admit anything. The one element you want from a Transformers movie is superb action, and while I admit there are some cool moments, the action in this film is mind numbingly excruciating. You ever hear of the expression “too much of a good thing?” That’s what I’m talking about. Michael Bay has no shame. In every single action shot in this film, there’s something on the screen either exploding, smoking, or a character getting dismembered. It’s overkill to the point where not only am I not entertained, it’s actually nauseating to sit through. But worst of all, it goes on, and on, and on, and on. Not only that, you can’t tell who’s who. I still don’t know who Ironhide is. It really brings my piss to a boil when people compare Zack Snyder and Man of Steel to Michael Bay and a Transformers movie. HOW DARE YOU! The action in Man of Steel is a lot, but it’s all earned with character development. You care what’s going on. There’s weight there. In a Transformers movie, it’s just a bunch of metal clanging into each other for over two hours.
Turturro’s character pulls down his pants, and for no reason we get a close up of his underwear riding up his ass. I hate this movie.
6. Tyrese’s Dialogue
Out of all the actors in this film, I felt for Tyrese the most. The dialogue he is forced to spout in this film is shameful. Here’s just a few examples:
“I really don’t like that dude. He’s an asshole.”
“I see how this day is going in this godforsaken desert.”
“This ain’t good. This ain’t good.”
“We’re about to get our asses whupped.”
Aside from just how atrocious those lines are, the way Tyrese delivers everything he says is painful. It’s hard to explain without seeing the movie, but every time he says “little kid,” or transforms into “Mr. State What’s Happening Right Now,” it’s just hard to watch.
5. Mr. and Mrs. Witwicky
Ugh. The dad is annoying, but basically forgettable. This is really about Sam’s mom, played by Julie White. Wow. Her “comedic” antics are non-stop. Whether it’s getting high on pot, or tackling a Frisbee player at college, it makes you wonder why the hell this is in a Transformers movie. I thought this was supposed to be robots fighting, not mom crying uncontrollably, getting high, and reusing the Sam’s baby booties joke over and over again. Not only that, but we’re also subjected to seeing her dogs humping each other every five minutes. Why, Michael Bay? Why? I don’t understand why this was needed in the film. Why are dogs humping necessary in a Transformers movie? Can someone please answer this for me?
4. Robot Balls
There’s a giant robot, and it has testicles. What the hell am I supposed to say to this?
3. Enter Jetfire
While only #3 on the list, this sequence encapsulates everything I hate about Michael Bay. They awaken this ancient robot from the past who sort of talks like a pirate, and the minute he wakes up, the film bombards you with the most agonizing five minutes you will ever witness in a motion picture. The robot starts running around shouting, you can’t understand a word he’s saying, the other characters are yelling, Jetfire farts at one point, the Mafia Bot is yapping away, Leo and Shia LaBeouf are screaming, everything is just loud as hell, and then the scene ends with everybody teleporting to Egypt, with no explanation whatsoever. This whole sequence is just an incomprehensible mess of noise, nausea, and pain. I’ve never gotten a tooth pulled, but I would imagine it’s similar to this experience.
2. The Racist Bots
What else is there to say about these characters? Mudflap and Skids. These two characters are the iconic imagery for why everybody hates this movie. I’m not going to repeat their lines of dialogue here. Everyone knows how bad the stereotyping is. Not only that, but they explicitly have the characters say they can’t read, or don’t read well. Wow. You got to be kidding me. What truly boggles my mind about these characters though is that movies are typically screened for studio executives before they are released, and with a huge film like this, I have to imagine that happened here. These are smart people. Didn’t someone raise their hand and say, “Uhhhh, shouldn’t these characters be re-edited or something?” Maybe there simply wasn’t time, as these characters are not only annoying beyond belief, but they surprisingly get a lot of screen time. There might be defenders of this movie out there, but I can’t imagine anybody on the planet who thought these characters were a good idea, or heaven forbid, funny.
1. 2 hours, 29 minutes, 47 seconds
That’s how long this movie is. Even with all the elements we broke down today, and everything that I detest about this film, if it was ninety minutes, I’d certainly still hate it, but I wouldn’t have been filled with so much rage. This run time is inexcusable. WE AREN’T MAKING LAWRENCE OF ARABIA! In watching the film, there is easily an hour to be deleted, and even someone with no background in film whatsoever could edit it down, no problem. When I watched this film again, I constantly kept checking how much time was left. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I still saw 80 minutes, 60 minutes – it goes on for eternity. I remember seeing this movie in the theater, and walking out when it ended. I felt disoriented, and my legs could barely move. It felt like I was in that theater for ten hours. The light in the lobby hurt my eyes. Almost two and a half hours of noise, potty humor, and endless exposition. The reason this ultimately takes #1 on the list is because it’s an excuse to say the entire movie is the worst thing about Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.
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Daniel Cohen is the Film Editor for Pop-Break. Aside from reviews, Daniel does a weekly box office predictions column, and also contributes monthly Top Tens and Op-Ed’s on all things film. Daniel is a graduate of Bates College with a degree in English, and also studied Screenwriting at UCLA. He can also be read on www.movieshenanigans.com. His movie crush is Jessica Rabbit. Follow him on Twitter @dcohenwriter.
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